They spread like wildfire...

...the voices. They taunted, caught and kept my attention most of the day until Mel (my husband) called me this afternoon. Mel and I had an arguement about 4:00 am this morning and it was something he had gone on and on about most of the week and I cracked. I snapped. At first, I didn't say or do anything...no voices or any other symptons. I just went back to sleep. Then at nearly 9:00 am I woke up to voices that were naming my every move. Voices that were trying to rape me anally...I could feel every move....a tactile hallucination. The voices seemed to have to keep my attention or they would lose or "win" something bad. After a long and very frustrating 4 hours of this. I got a phone call from my husband saying that he apologized for this morning and that is when I got the message that one voice named David said he stole my "Good Feeling" away from me. SO I got mad and deep inside me I took myself back, as well as, my "Good Feeling" and began to put my clothes on and get ready for my husband. I just now realised that I am missing about 1 1/2 to 2 hours inside this delusion.
Part of the memory loss I have been experiencing for the last ...well, damn, I don't know how long...I've known about it for awhile now.

One psychiatrist told me I should put on my shield and I started thinking that I only have the yellow gold shield and that one must not be strong enough cause I could steal feel the rapist. I can't think of any metal strong enough to keep him out...I don't know about metals either. CAst Iron?

Anyway, today was a very emotional day. I stayed in the back room and when it is all over and done and I got to go outside...it was a beautiful day and I had missed it because I was so out of it. I've never been to the Mental Ward of a Hospital, yet. I wander what I do if I decide I have to go...I felt suicidal this time for a little while. I stared at my pills, a deep, long time. But what stopped me was I was going to Mama's tomorrow.

That's all for now....

Today, being a day.

I'm prettty shaky this morning, from the coffee, I guess. It has been rough these last few days with panic attacks and nervousness. A couple of times I was afraid to walk, this happened just a minute ago,also. just scared to walk, like my chair was the only thing holding me to sanity. I just took my medicine so most of this should go away. I was shaking bad...then it just stopped right after I took my Klonopin...that means I find my comfort in the pills. Knowing that I will feel somewhat normal soon. The psychiatrist, Dr. Scott, and my therapist, SHeila Walker are trying to get me to learn how to deal with these symptons without relying on the meds. I rely on the Klonopin when I have the attacks, I know this BUT, I rely on the Respiredal for the voices...it works like a miracle and I also rely on the Geodon for the delusions and hallucinations...so what the hell am I doing wrong but taking the medication I need to take. And these attacks, by the way, are not always panic attacks or anxiety attacks...they are more like a schizophrenic bomb went off in my head. There are ways they could find out if I was having panic attacks or whatever but they haven't offered to prove any theory. They told me also, that the physical goes along with the mental in most cases...such as...a schizophrenic might have a few days of voices and confusion and it be because he or she has a head cold. Maybe I should see a private psychiatrist.

Audio Hallucination

Before I knew what was happening the television said "I want to kill myself..". Then another voice on the television said "Just give it another 24 hours." This had nothing to do with the movie it was what I was hearing...an auditory hallucination. Then the first voice (who seem to be a man) said "I feel like I'm being punished for something." And I said "Like what?" The man went on and said "Conspiracy,..., I see faces, punishments..."He went on describing all the symptons I had went through with schiz...I thought he was making a joke out of it then...but I didn't say anything. Can't very well punch out the television set now can I?! Instead I said you are having symptons of schizophrenia and need to see a psychiatrist; the medicine will help you. And I left it at that deciding I was having an hallucination again. Boy, you try to help some people, whether they exist or not...oh well...intentions are good!11 Merry Christmas!!!