I had a "schiz attack" yesterday and (at least, that's what I call them) all my senses went crazy. The voices were extremely loud and hurtful and I was completely delusional. I was so off the wall that I don't remember exactly what they said but I got mean...oh yeah, it was about drugs...methamphetamines. The voices were saying that I was the dope and they were trying to make it pure by using me as like some magical way. Just because I decided not to drink so much anymore. I drank 3 nights in a row before this happened. The alcohol gets rid of my voices and my physical pain so I can even dance while I am drunk. By deciding to quit drinking I was pure to them...it's craziness, I know, but they were so loud. So with me being "pure"; cause I don't do illegal drugs or anything... they (the voices) needed me to stay awake for a certain number of days to make their drug into a "good" product. Because that is what methamphetamines do- keep you awake for 18 to 36 hours at a time. Anyway, I was pure and not getting any sleep...the voices were keeping me awake as a power for their drug.
I have probably confused you by now but it makes sense to me. And some of the voices believe I am the opposite of their lives and others believe they have to go through the same things I go through so they help me....these few that think they are living my life. This is so insulting to me that all the voices think I have so much to do with their damn life. That because I said something or handle things a certain way they might do worse. So I think why would these voices or "people" let my life decide their fate or gain. Because they are the dumbest thing I have ever heard and most of them come from Georgia, anyway. I can't stand their insulting my intelligence. They make me feel like they have all the control over my body and life by keeping me awake.
After I take my medicine; I usually knock out- go right to sleep-but for the last 3 nights I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours. With a nap, that makes it a total of 7 hours sleep in four days. How am I supposed to react...I have to be mean and hateful to get them to leave me alone and it is one by one that the voices will go away. But their are always more...they bait me until I have to react by humiliating them, or yelling mean and hateful things back at them. I have to be stern. But, I have been told to ignore them but it is near impossible to do. What would you do if you heard screaming like someone was being tortured...it would effect and bother you.
Sometimes there are weeks when I don't hear much more than a sentence or two about nothing. That's when I can ignore them. But when it all makes sense....I already can't sleep and the voices are saying that they are keeping me up for this drug...it makes sense because that must be why my meds aren't working....they have magic.
You probably can't understand but methamphetamine is a drug I never want to have anything to do with ever again!!! It was on April 10th, 2002 when I did my last dealings with that drug and I hate it. Sometimes I miss the energy of it but I always remember what came out of all that...all the bad stuff!!! There was always bad things happening around that drug...bad people. Then there were people who had good hearts and because they let some junkie teach them how to use it and tell them what it would do to them ...well...those people are usually lost forever. But I made it out alive and almost healthy. I have Paranoid Schizophrenia and Bi Polar and a bad hip and I smoke cigarettes. But I can't get the addicts and dealers away from me in the schizophrenic world but they will not be back in my real world. I promise and swear to that!!!!
