so I didn't do my homework.Too intimidating.

So I've gotten far enough in therapy to have actual homework, which theoretically keeps me focused on recovery during the week when I'm at home. I usually put it off though until the weekend (therapy is Monday) or don't do it (no consequences). This week my assignment is to find a free online course to take on any subject, no cost, no accountability. No problem, I'll find something easy that's computer related and go with it. Therapy's getting hard, she wants to do memory work and that's difficult for me. There are places in my memory I don't want to go.

Life without Geodon!!!

I finallyu got off Geodon which seems to be an addiction and a reaction. My first reaction was nervous disorders and problems to do with the nervous system....Geodon is the cause of those problems if you get those disorders after coming on Geodon. Then I had to be put on Klonopin to stop the nervous disorders from Geodon. I swear I am not lying I will swear to court. But don't start these meds without a doctor/psychologist.

I can handle it now!!!!

I am not on Geodon which makes me sleep all day any longer! No voices, but, I still need Resperidone for those. I explained to Dr. Yedla that I was more depressed about sleeping all day and not seeing my family for a whole day. I got so depressed I was almost planning suicide. But she gave me Provigil and I am awake all day to spend time with my family!!!! I am so much happier. But she took me off Geodon and that scared me. Geodon kept me asleep at solid times for 10 hours. Then I was so sleeping I couldn't keep my eyes open. I think Dr. Yedla got what I was saying....just about every med for schizophrenis puts you to sleep. If I could just wake up from my sleepy, sadativeness all day long.....I would be much better....Hell my quality of life is much better now!

I gotta go
Jen

Without Geodon

I have been without Geodon for two weeks now and NOW I am not hearing voices. Geodon is an anti psychotic medicine but it seems that I heard more voices while I was on it. And the hallucination after finally been of the drug awhile went away too. Y'all might want to rethink your meds.

Psychotic Depression

I had a new one this week...a bout with Psychotic Depression. We moved in our new house and the neighbors complained once about a barking session our two dogs had (and I don't blame them for complaining, it was really bad and we weren't home which is when the dogs are most upset.

After that I had also been off of my Abilify for about 5 days, then 5 more days after that (I ran out and couldn't get to the pharmacy) I started hearing them through the walls talking about us and our dogs--even when they were not at home.

Hearing voices is horrible!!!!!! I have so much sympathy for you now, Jennifer. It took me 4 days back on my meds for them to go away and I was so glad when they were gone. Now the neighbors come and go like normal but I don't hear them talking and honestly I never really did, it was just my brain. My therapist reassured me that this won't happen again if I keep taking my meds and I believe that because it never did before. But it was awful.

I wonder if it's part of what my mother went through. Anyway my little episode is over and I'm back to normal now, as normal as I can be, anyway, considering.

The Schiz Attack Yesterday

I had a "schiz attack" yesterday and (at least, that's what I call them) all my senses went crazy. The voices were extremely loud and hurtful and I was completely delusional. I was so off the wall that I don't remember exactly what they said but I got mean...oh yeah, it was about drugs...methamphetamines. The voices were saying that I was the dope and they were trying to make it pure by using me as like some magical way. Just because I decided not to drink so much anymore. I drank 3 nights in a row before this happened. The alcohol gets rid of my voices and my physical pain so I can even dance while I am drunk. By deciding to quit drinking I was pure to them...it's craziness, I know, but they were so loud. So with me being "pure"; cause I don't do illegal drugs or anything... they (the voices) needed me to stay awake for a certain number of days to make their drug into a "good" product. Because that is what methamphetamines do- keep you awake for 18 to 36 hours at a time. Anyway, I was pure and not getting any sleep...the voices were keeping me awake as a power for their drug.

I have probably confused you by now but it makes sense to me. And some of the voices believe I am the opposite of their lives and others believe they have to go through the same things I go through so they help me....these few that think they are living my life. This is so insulting to me that all the voices think I have so much to do with their damn life. That because I said something or handle things a certain way they might do worse. So I think why would these voices or "people" let my life decide their fate or gain. Because they are the dumbest thing I have ever heard and most of them come from Georgia, anyway. I can't stand their insulting my intelligence. They make me feel like they have all the control over my body and life by keeping me awake.

After I take my medicine; I usually knock out- go right to sleep-but for the last 3 nights I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours. With a nap, that makes it a total of 7 hours sleep in four days. How am I supposed to react...I have to be mean and hateful to get them to leave me alone and it is one by one that the voices will go away. But their are always more...they bait me until I have to react by humiliating them, or yelling mean and hateful things back at them. I have to be stern. But, I have been told to ignore them but it is near impossible to do. What would you do if you heard screaming like someone was being tortured...it would effect and bother you.

Sometimes there are weeks when I don't hear much more than a sentence or two about nothing. That's when I can ignore them. But when it all makes sense....I already can't sleep and the voices are saying that they are keeping me up for this drug...it makes sense because that must be why my meds aren't working....they have magic.

You probably can't understand but methamphetamine is a drug I never want to have anything to do with ever again!!! It was on April 10th, 2002 when I did my last dealings with that drug and I hate it. Sometimes I miss the energy of it but I always remember what came out of all that...all the bad stuff!!! There was always bad things happening around that drug...bad people. Then there were people who had good hearts and because they let some junkie teach them how to use it and tell them what it would do to them ...well...those people are usually lost forever. But I made it out alive and almost healthy. I have Paranoid Schizophrenia and Bi Polar and a bad hip and I smoke cigarettes. But I can't get the addicts and dealers away from me in the schizophrenic world but they will not be back in my real world. I promise and swear to that!!!!