New Colors!!! And bad stuff...

I have been off Geodon because I took myself off of it. Geodon helps me to know that the hallucinations aren't really happening. I took my self off mainly because I thought I didn't need it any longer. Boy, was I wrong. I am having "audio hallucinations" every day. The voices argue with each other and even correct each other if something isn't said right. I have been off Geodon for about 3 months now.

Depakote ER- my insurance will only pay for the generic form of this drug for major mood swings and WalMart doesn't carry it.
Been off of it for about 3 months.

Wellbutrin- I ran out of refills on this drug before it was time to see my psychiatrist (4-8-2009). I have been off this drug for about three weeks. This is an anti depressant, also.

Paxil CR--I have been off this anti depressant for about 2 months because I couldn't afford to refill it. My insurance will only cover a percentage of that medication for some reason.

Trazadone- sleeping medication only seemed to help the first fe3w days and then I couldn't sleep at night again.

But I see my psychiatrist on the 3rd day of April...so soon I will be on all the meds again.


My world has been crazy. My daughter sees me talking to myself, I have been hitting the walls where I thought the people were fighting with me through that certain wall. One of the voices named Billy Cannon is pretending to be standing on my neck while I sleep and I literally wake up gasping for air. They are trying to kill me and I have done nothing to them. I get so damned depressed I want to die, and I think about taking all my Klonopin and Trazadone and just die. I hear my father say he doesn't want me calling anymore and I hear my mother doing evil minded things to me...like making me depressed and she tells me to kill myself. I haven't spoken to either one of my parents since Christmas because of it.

Four whole days.

I had four days of total hell, and finally broke down. I through my daughter out of the house...but she came back after an hour and a half and I begged her forgiveness. She forgave me. I won't say what she said to me that made me want her out of the house, I shouldn't have taken it so hard.

I go back to see my Psychiatrist and Therapist in the beginning of April. I have been freaking out for a while now and I am having stomach problems , a doctor said was probably due to my medications.

Freakin' out again...

I had a little trouble from the voices and I began hitting the walls and yelling at the voices while my husband and daughter were at home. My insurance will not pay for brand name medications anymore. So I came off Paxil CR and Depakote ER, The Depakote Er is for my Bi Polar mood swings and boy I can definitly tell the difference with out it. My voices are confessed drug addicts and dealers. I quit drugs 7 and 1/2 years ago. I have no desire to ever do anymore drugs.

But sometimes my voices will say they gave me some "crank" and I really feel it. Is that a tactile hallucination or what.