Provigil

I just got prescribed Provigil it is an amphetamine that keeps me awake 12 to 15 hours a day because all my meds are downers and last 12 hours. asked my psychiatrist how could I live if I am sleepy all the time and after trying to take my meds at night and still sleepy at night she gave me Provigil. nly problem is that it just wakes me up for 15 hours which is a lot better than sleepyiness all day but my insurance won't cover it because I don't have sleep apnea. Dammit. I have to pay $250 for a months supply. I payed for 7 pills just to see if it was worth the bother and it is so I am going to pay for it. My complaint is that insurance will cover a bunch of downers but won't let me wake up during the day.

My Father Died June 11th, 2009

It hurts but I am okay. I can hear him talk to me sometimes; he is laughing. Now I know he isn't in any pain. He had a heart attack at the age of 55 years old. I love you, Daddy, goodbye.

Effexor- instead of Paxil CR

I have been on a small dosage of Effexor for depression and I have noticed the difference. I still cry and am depressed but I am not as suicidal. Paxil CR made me gain weight...104 lbs. no matter what I did I could not lose the weight. I was up to 254 lbs. I have been off Paxil CR for 6 weeks and the last two months I have lost 14 lbs. I'm not hungry, I'm not snacking. And I eat once a day. I still eat a little ice cream in the morning and drink about 3 glasses of Coke and 2 glasses of sweet tea a day. I ddrink something all day long so I can keep my belly filled. And when drinking caffeinated drinks they make you PEEE ALOT. So it runs through you and you are always filled up. I have about two pieces of pizza one day and beans the next and speghetti with meat in the sauce the next day. Normal food...just not alot...a little. Keep the drink (vitamin water is the best ) and lose the food.

Celexa

I was taking a drug called Celexa, but it seemed to only knock me out and make me miserable. I have a good life with my husband and I really love my life, but, Celexa made me suicidal. I kept taking it for a month (it is supposed to be an antidepressant) to see if maybe it took a few weeks to start working like most antidepressants, but it just seemed to knock me out and make me crazier. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to understand that I am tired of being sleepy and tired and sedated all the time. But she told me to take all my meds at night. So I did but I still felt groggy and sleepy until about 3:00 pm in the afternoon. These are powerful drugs. I know I am a Schizophrenic but I don't want to live my life sedated all the time. It's not fair. So my Therapist told me to ask my psychiatrist about a drug called Provincial. I did and she says "You just want uppers and downers." I said " No, it's just that all my medication sedates me and I am sick of being tired and sleepy." I also said something like "y'all are so easy to give us drugs that sedate us but what about the ones that actually want to be awake, and try to live...I can't NOT take my meds because they help me, But I don't want to be knocked out all the time". Now I am off Celexa for good and am on an antidepressant that works for me, Effexor. And it does NOT make me sleepy.

Disability

I am now receiving Social Security Disability from Social Security Administration. And I just had my second set of shots for my hip. I can barely walk through Walmart without having to stop because of my hip. I could use the little shopper's chair scooter but I am only 37 and feel ridiculous in it. Getting the Disability gave me a huge sigh of relief about being able to pay the bills and me not working. Now I can concentrate on my hip and my schizophrenia w/bipolar. I don't have to be afraid of how much it is going to hurt when I do something at work I know will hurt my hip and brain.

I have had audio hallucinations for the last couple of days non stop and I went off on the voices. A part of me keeps telling myself that it is totally a hallucination and not to worry about it but I can't help it...the voices take my whole concentration from me and I can't keep them from talking to me, about me, etc. While I am typing this I am not hearing any voices but ... well, I pray they leave me alone tonight.

Suicide???/

I got bad news...my hip pain will never go away. The orthopedic specialist says that there is nothing else to do but to give me the epideral shots every 4 months. The shots only last 6 weeks for me. Another thing is that my psychiatrist says there is nothing more she can do about my "voices" either. I will have to live this way for the rest of my life. I feel like I have been sentenced to life in prison. I already have to use a scooter in Walmart...that place is so damn big.

It's a fact that the number one cause of death for Schizophrenics is suicide. I wonder will I be one of those. I have really begun to think seriously about it. I am miserable, the "voices" and the pain. All my medications are downers...they knock me out...that would be the way I would go. Why is it that the doctors don't mind handing out downers that make us "high" and sleepy but, they won't prescribe an upper for any reason.

I have been thinking seriously about suicide, then I wouldn't have to live like a crazy invallid. I'll be in a wheel chair if the pain gets any worse!!!! I can't stand the thought of it. To make my husband go through this with me seems so cruel. He shouldn't have to. I have become such a burden......

I went to see my psychiatrist and she decided to keep me off Paxil CR, Depakote, and Wellbutrin and put me on Celexa for depression. We'll see how it works...I know that it knocks me out.

New Colors!!! And bad stuff...

I have been off Geodon because I took myself off of it. Geodon helps me to know that the hallucinations aren't really happening. I took my self off mainly because I thought I didn't need it any longer. Boy, was I wrong. I am having "audio hallucinations" every day. The voices argue with each other and even correct each other if something isn't said right. I have been off Geodon for about 3 months now.

Depakote ER- my insurance will only pay for the generic form of this drug for major mood swings and WalMart doesn't carry it.
Been off of it for about 3 months.

Wellbutrin- I ran out of refills on this drug before it was time to see my psychiatrist (4-8-2009). I have been off this drug for about three weeks. This is an anti depressant, also.

Paxil CR--I have been off this anti depressant for about 2 months because I couldn't afford to refill it. My insurance will only cover a percentage of that medication for some reason.

Trazadone- sleeping medication only seemed to help the first fe3w days and then I couldn't sleep at night again.

But I see my psychiatrist on the 3rd day of April...so soon I will be on all the meds again.


My world has been crazy. My daughter sees me talking to myself, I have been hitting the walls where I thought the people were fighting with me through that certain wall. One of the voices named Billy Cannon is pretending to be standing on my neck while I sleep and I literally wake up gasping for air. They are trying to kill me and I have done nothing to them. I get so damned depressed I want to die, and I think about taking all my Klonopin and Trazadone and just die. I hear my father say he doesn't want me calling anymore and I hear my mother doing evil minded things to me...like making me depressed and she tells me to kill myself. I haven't spoken to either one of my parents since Christmas because of it.

Four whole days.

I had four days of total hell, and finally broke down. I through my daughter out of the house...but she came back after an hour and a half and I begged her forgiveness. She forgave me. I won't say what she said to me that made me want her out of the house, I shouldn't have taken it so hard.

I go back to see my Psychiatrist and Therapist in the beginning of April. I have been freaking out for a while now and I am having stomach problems , a doctor said was probably due to my medications.

Freakin' out again...

I had a little trouble from the voices and I began hitting the walls and yelling at the voices while my husband and daughter were at home. My insurance will not pay for brand name medications anymore. So I came off Paxil CR and Depakote ER, The Depakote Er is for my Bi Polar mood swings and boy I can definitly tell the difference with out it. My voices are confessed drug addicts and dealers. I quit drugs 7 and 1/2 years ago. I have no desire to ever do anymore drugs.

But sometimes my voices will say they gave me some "crank" and I really feel it. Is that a tactile hallucination or what.

Paxil CR... Can 't say enough about it!!!

I got my Paxil and the nightmares went away the very first night. I slept straight through the night for four hours... which is more than I have had in 2 weeks. I feel much better and I stay up now...during the day and into part of the night. I was alot more in control of my depressing thoughts, also. I know Paxil CR isn't for everybody but it works for me. I also take Wellbutrin...150 mg twice a day. I haven't been on it but a few months. I have been on Paxil CR for four years then I had the thoughts of suicide so my psychiatrist thought I needed a little more of a boost with the Paxil CR. Fixed me right up!!!

I didn't do as much running around as I did yesterday but then there isn't much cleaning to do so I wrote in my diary. And wrote a letter to my son.

Nightmares for 2 weeks!

I have had the worst nightmares again. They wake me up every hour and a half to two hours. I can't sleep so good. It's because I couldn't get my Paxil CR filled until today. I should sleep tonight though.

I had surgery done on my back on December 26th, 2008 and it went great...no pain. But the voices keep telling me they are giving me all their pain. My left side started hurting and my right leg. And then after I finally got my meds filled this morning, the voices and the pains went away. I feel so much better. AMEN and THANK GOD to doctors and psychiatrists.

Not sleeping...

I can't sleep lately. But I can sleep during the day. I have my meds back and they keep me low but I am not sleeping. I have even taken a few sleeping pills...nothing.

Crazy world I lived in...

I was out of meds for 6 days and it was grooling. I had nightmares every time I fell asleep and I was very delusional and hallucinating at the same time. I could barely sleep for a couple of hours at a time and every time I fell asleep I would have a crazy nightmare. The voices kept saying that they were keeping me up because they wanted me to go crazy and have a nervous breakdown. I actually think that I did have a nervous breakdown. I went on Sunday to drive my daughter back to Georgia and I couldn't stop shaking. I was shaking on the inside and the outside. I felt sick too. I don't know how I made but I had to pull over about 4 times ands sit in the car until I thought I could go on. I would just sit there for about 45 minutes at a time. All I could tell Tina was that I was really sick. But aftewr that, when I got home, I layed down in bed and could not hardly move for about 4 days. Mel knew I was sick or something. I hurt everywhere and the voices were terrible. Maybe I was just sick but Lord that was hard.

Well on the fifth day I felt better and even had the energy to clean the house.

Wellbutrin....

I am not too sure if the Wellbutrin is working or not... the first month I tried it I started acting like a human and even had more energy but I don't seem to get that now. I had suicidal thoughts this afternoon. Just for a few minutes but still. I could just see me lying on the couch asleep for the rest of my life...unhappy, and the voices have been terrible the last four days. They slacked off today.

Well, I know that now that the IT classes will start Monday...I am looking forward to it.

Something is wrong with me....

I can't seem to stay awake and I feel like all my muscles just don't work anymore. I'm not taking Klonopin in the mornings like I was prescribed (one in the morning; one at night) because I would sleep until 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I only take Paxil Cr and Depakote in the mornings now. I feel so lazy that I just don't have any energy. This depresses me so much. I am going to see my physical doctor about this and then address my psychiatrist about it. I have never been lazy like this...it is rediculous. I hope I don't have cancer or something. I have been having sharp stabbing pains at the left ovary and my left leg stays in pain.

I will post when I find out something.

Almost did it last night.

The only thing that stopped me was that I sat down on the ground to wait a bit and I was too fat to get up in time...mental note, next time don't sit down. After a while it became funny in a sick way, but definitely funny, and I just went home.

I have my suicidal days too...

I've gotten as far as having a definite plan outlined in my mind for when the time comes. No pills, that's not reliable and could just leave you embarrassed or comatose. No knives or guns either, not reliable enough either. My way is absolutely foolproof, and just knowing that keeps me from doing it in some strange way. It's like it's always there, if I need it, but nothing so far has been quite bad enough to need it. I think it's more of a feeling of knowing that I could control it if I absolutely had to that helps.

Suicidal...

If y'all don't know already I go to a Mental Health Clinic of this county. (No need to name it). The psychiatrist sees you for a grand total of 15 minutes maximum and that is to get medicine and refills and you see a therapist for all that you need to talk about. Well, my therapist likes to talk about her family problems and such. I like her as a person; she is great, but as a therapist she sucks. She had the nerve to ask me why I was suicidal...REALLY!!! How the hell am I supposed to know I feel this way for no reason as far as I am concerned.
I dream of taking the whole bottle of Geodon I have plus other meds. I feel like I am barely hanging on. I am scared to death my daughter will see it and know about it...So now anyway, my husband, who is literally my life saver through this is setting me up with a REAL psychiatrist. One who listens to your problems and then decides on advice to give you from 12 years of schooling not two years of tutoring. This has got to work. I'm at the end here. I'm desperate.

Depression

Dee's job may be closing sometime in the next year. Or it might not be. Depends on who you believe, but it made the front page of the newspaper so it's not just rumors. That happens, we live on my $856 a month. This is the first place I've lived that's felt like home in ages, and I'm scared to death that we'll lose it. Not only that, but it's actually a very cheap rent for this area, and finding another place is extremely hard. I'm fighting it but the depression is taking over and I'm already hating 2008.

My Paxil keeps me alive.

We didn't have any money so I didn't have any signs of a birthday. Shouldn't matter, I know...but it does. I guess on the bright side, no cake means no calories, right?

Whatever.