I can handle it now!!!!

I am not on Geodon which makes me sleep all day any longer! No voices, but, I still need Resperidone for those. I explained to Dr. Yedla that I was more depressed about sleeping all day and not seeing my family for a whole day. I got so depressed I was almost planning suicide. But she gave me Provigil and I am awake all day to spend time with my family!!!! I am so much happier. But she took me off Geodon and that scared me. Geodon kept me asleep at solid times for 10 hours. Then I was so sleeping I couldn't keep my eyes open. I think Dr. Yedla got what I was saying....just about every med for schizophrenis puts you to sleep. If I could just wake up from my sleepy, sadativeness all day long.....I would be much better....Hell my quality of life is much better now!

I gotta go
Jen

Without Geodon

I have been without Geodon for two weeks now and NOW I am not hearing voices. Geodon is an anti psychotic medicine but it seems that I heard more voices while I was on it. And the hallucination after finally been of the drug awhile went away too. Y'all might want to rethink your meds.

Psychotic Depression

I had a new one this week...a bout with Psychotic Depression. We moved in our new house and the neighbors complained once about a barking session our two dogs had (and I don't blame them for complaining, it was really bad and we weren't home which is when the dogs are most upset.

After that I had also been off of my Abilify for about 5 days, then 5 more days after that (I ran out and couldn't get to the pharmacy) I started hearing them through the walls talking about us and our dogs--even when they were not at home.

Hearing voices is horrible!!!!!! I have so much sympathy for you now, Jennifer. It took me 4 days back on my meds for them to go away and I was so glad when they were gone. Now the neighbors come and go like normal but I don't hear them talking and honestly I never really did, it was just my brain. My therapist reassured me that this won't happen again if I keep taking my meds and I believe that because it never did before. But it was awful.

I wonder if it's part of what my mother went through. Anyway my little episode is over and I'm back to normal now, as normal as I can be, anyway, considering.

The Schiz Attack Yesterday

I had a "schiz attack" yesterday and (at least, that's what I call them) all my senses went crazy. The voices were extremely loud and hurtful and I was completely delusional. I was so off the wall that I don't remember exactly what they said but I got mean...oh yeah, it was about drugs...methamphetamines. The voices were saying that I was the dope and they were trying to make it pure by using me as like some magical way. Just because I decided not to drink so much anymore. I drank 3 nights in a row before this happened. The alcohol gets rid of my voices and my physical pain so I can even dance while I am drunk. By deciding to quit drinking I was pure to them...it's craziness, I know, but they were so loud. So with me being "pure"; cause I don't do illegal drugs or anything... they (the voices) needed me to stay awake for a certain number of days to make their drug into a "good" product. Because that is what methamphetamines do- keep you awake for 18 to 36 hours at a time. Anyway, I was pure and not getting any sleep...the voices were keeping me awake as a power for their drug.

I have probably confused you by now but it makes sense to me. And some of the voices believe I am the opposite of their lives and others believe they have to go through the same things I go through so they help me....these few that think they are living my life. This is so insulting to me that all the voices think I have so much to do with their damn life. That because I said something or handle things a certain way they might do worse. So I think why would these voices or "people" let my life decide their fate or gain. Because they are the dumbest thing I have ever heard and most of them come from Georgia, anyway. I can't stand their insulting my intelligence. They make me feel like they have all the control over my body and life by keeping me awake.

After I take my medicine; I usually knock out- go right to sleep-but for the last 3 nights I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours. With a nap, that makes it a total of 7 hours sleep in four days. How am I supposed to react...I have to be mean and hateful to get them to leave me alone and it is one by one that the voices will go away. But their are always more...they bait me until I have to react by humiliating them, or yelling mean and hateful things back at them. I have to be stern. But, I have been told to ignore them but it is near impossible to do. What would you do if you heard screaming like someone was being tortured...it would effect and bother you.

Sometimes there are weeks when I don't hear much more than a sentence or two about nothing. That's when I can ignore them. But when it all makes sense....I already can't sleep and the voices are saying that they are keeping me up for this drug...it makes sense because that must be why my meds aren't working....they have magic.

You probably can't understand but methamphetamine is a drug I never want to have anything to do with ever again!!! It was on April 10th, 2002 when I did my last dealings with that drug and I hate it. Sometimes I miss the energy of it but I always remember what came out of all that...all the bad stuff!!! There was always bad things happening around that drug...bad people. Then there were people who had good hearts and because they let some junkie teach them how to use it and tell them what it would do to them ...well...those people are usually lost forever. But I made it out alive and almost healthy. I have Paranoid Schizophrenia and Bi Polar and a bad hip and I smoke cigarettes. But I can't get the addicts and dealers away from me in the schizophrenic world but they will not be back in my real world. I promise and swear to that!!!!

How do y'all like the new look?????

Ok...let's see now...the bad one...I am haviong an ongoing delusion in my head that my mother is wishing me certain pains and I can feel them. I believed it was the voices until another voice said "Even your mother does it to you" (giving me painful things...like migrains and emphazima). It feels like the whole world has been keeping a secret from me and my mother is even involved. It is painful, hurtful and I just break down and cry. I have called her since this started not wanting to hurt anymore from it. ANd, apparently, in this delusion other people can only be happy when I am miserable and they try to say or do things to me that are making me sooooo sad.

But, just a little part in me thinks I should try to return to a parttime job and get away from the house for a few years.

First post in 2010

I have been doing pretty good- I mean hardly any voices and I feel pretty good. A couple of hallucinations but not very bad ones at all.

I get Disability from having two bad hips and schizophrenia and bipolar. My family doctor is sending me to a Pain Specialist so maybe this will help...my brother -in -law says it helped him alot so yeah I think it will help me. Which in turn keeps my voices down. I finally got some pain killers, muscle relaxers and arthritis meds for my hip so I feel better...yeah less pain.

My husband got a new hip and he feels better. Whenever we are in pain , we get bitchy...much quieter at the house now...LOL

My Voices

I wish you could have what I have if you're going to have something, because what I have is at least funny at times. I've got one insider who makes sarcastic comments, but they're always funny and she's kept me going when I didn't think I could a few times. I've got one who's only about 2 years old and is obsessed with trains and ice cream. There's one who communicates only in songs/music...she'll play just the right song inside for the situation and she does have a sense of humor also.

The hard part for me at least is knowing that it isn't going to change. That they're with me as long as I'm around and dissociative voices cannot be controlled by medication, not even the new antipsychotics. I hear them and I know who they are, and that they're inside my head, and I've always known that is where they were, and basically that's the difference between what you have and what I have.

My therapist says if I'd had therapy when I was young (real therapy, not counseling) I could have learned to live somewhat normally maybe, but now it's hard-wired into me to cope this way and truthfully I can't imagine coping without them. It's weird to me to look back on life and realize you all know them, most of them anyway, you just don't know that you met them.

The only harmful thing they tell me to do ever is to cut, and I've really slowed down on that so it's only maybe once a month if even that. Right now I'm so stressed, our propane is off and we had to do Christmas for Paula and Bekah and that took most of what we had. I couldn't see disappointing Bekah so Santa came to her and gramma took lots of deeeeep breaths and Klonopin that day.

I just wish your voices were kind and funny to you like mine are for me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone really, but it's hard to hear that your voices aren't kind to you.

Meds and Mama

I am taking my meds normally and for now there are no voices. I am suddenly afraid of the dark though. I drank last night and am not feeling too good right now. I keep hearring my mother give me headaches when I drink. I feel I don't want to speak to her again. I can't get it in my head that they are just hallucinations. They are bad ones. She keeps saying she will make me sick if I don't quit drinking. But the drinking is lightening me up alot. I think that I am 38 years old and should be able to drink without Mama's voices trying to stop me.

It's over for now...

My husband had his prostate surgery; they removed it. So for now it's over. At the last Mel was getting tired all the time and not eating normally. It really had me worried. Now it's gone. I hope it never ever comes back. I was losing my mind. It was the worry. Now, I finally have my meds refilled and I am back to normal. My psychiatrist has fixed my meds to where I am doing alot better. She was increasing and decreasing certain meds so that I wouldn't be so miserable and sleepy all the time. So now I am on the bare minimum doses that will take care of my schiz. Instead of 7 bottles of medication; I am on 5 (including Provigil).

My quality of life is much better. If you are having miserable problems with your meds; I would advise that you tell your doctor or psychiatrist about it. Say "My quality of life isn't very good at all, I sleep too much (or whatever the problem is) and I am miserable."

Hospital...

I had to go to the hospital about the schizophrenia. I lost it real bad. I was completely crazy in my head. But I want you to know they put me on suicide watch and wouldn't let me go smoke and it made me so mad that my head went straight. Half way anyway. I said I just want to go home after being there for 2 hours and they just prescribed my regular meds and home I went!!! I kept wanting to hurt someone before I went to the hospital. I mean really wanted to hurt anyone. But instead of telling the doctor that I said I was suicidal. Embarassed and afraid they would put me in a straight jacket....

I went BALISTIC!!!

My husband has Prostate Cancer and I have no control over myself. I want to hurt someone real bad. I am not handling my emotions well at all. I popped two Klonopin and calmed down but I'm completely crazy inside. HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!!!

Panic Attacks!

I have had 4 of them in the last month and I am tired of it. All I feel when an attack is happening is a deep fear, total terror inside me. I shake, and most of the time I cry. The way for me, or anyone to come out of it is to get their mind off of the attack. This is really hard, but you can daydream about some beautiful place that makes you feel safe or try talking to someone while it is happening. The conversation will get your mind off the attack. What I always do during an attack is to wrap myself up in a warm comforter on the couch or lately, in my bed. Wherever I feel safe. And I wait for the Klonopin to work, or I talk to someone. It is difficult to get your mind off of it while it is happening but, you CAN do it. But, like I said earlier, if you don't have medication for the panic attack then you can do those two things to bring it to control.

My insurance company...

Agreed to pay for my Provigil. My psychiatrist had to explain to them why she prescribed it to me. I feel much better and am awake throughout the day...it's wonderful...without insurance to pay for it it would cost $339.00 for 30 pills.

It just might have worked...

Telling my therapist about Daddy molesting me just might have worked for me. I feel alot better than usual. I'm gonna go ahead with the therapy and maybe this will change me. Sheila, my therapist says that all my problems are stemming from the molestations and the sooner we get therapy going the better I will be. She says I should start feeling a whole lot better and I do. I could get over this depression and maybe I would be able to decrease my medications for schizophrenia, also. I have been put on one less Risperdal and increased one more Geodon for now. It has worked for me against the voices. No voices and I have my peace of mind back. Instead of "protecting" Daddy like I thought I was doing I am able to work on myself now. I had a dream where Daddy was telling me to work on myself now that he is gone from this earth. I know he is in a better place on the other side of life in the after life. Because I have had the dream about him. In the dream we both were laughing and he was at a tool box looking around inside it. He was under a light and he was showing me to work on myself now and I knew that he was okay.

It's something I believe now that I have had the dreams about Grandma, Larry Dooley, and Daddy all under the light. I had dreams about my Grandmother worrying about me until I met and married Mel after I quit drugs. I think that those dreams stopped because I was off the drugs and had quit them. Then I had two dreams of Larry Dooley and one of them he was driving a speed boat and the other we were moving. Then the dream about Daddy. They were amazing. I miss them all.

Feeling better...

I have begun therapy about my father molesting me. It will be a long road but a healthy one. I think I delayed therapy because of the voices. But I must be ready for this. I told her some of the story about it and she says it is like a breakthrough for me and I will start feeling better. I do feel better. I have been holding it from therapy for five years now.

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geodon...my hallucination medicine...from 160 mg to 240 mg a day. It helped a lot.

Goin On...

It's getting easier to think of Daddy and instead of the memory of his deceased body; I remember good times. The last half of my life my Father was a good father to me and showed me how he loved me...like a father loves a daughter. I am grateful for the time I had with him.

Grieving...

I lost my father at such a young age. We both new the drinking would be the end of him but I guess I never actually thought he would be gone forever. I remember being so very paranoid when the voices would say that my parents would die the next day or something like that. I would be sooo afraid that I would pray right then and there. Now, I pray that God doesn't take my mother at such a young age. I want time with her doing things we used to do. .. Yard sales and flea markets but then it might remind her too much of Larry.

grieving....I'm hurting to death...when I think of Daddy and he's not in any pain anymore.

Provigil

I just got prescribed Provigil it is an amphetamine that keeps me awake 12 to 15 hours a day because all my meds are downers and last 12 hours. asked my psychiatrist how could I live if I am sleepy all the time and after trying to take my meds at night and still sleepy at night she gave me Provigil. nly problem is that it just wakes me up for 15 hours which is a lot better than sleepyiness all day but my insurance won't cover it because I don't have sleep apnea. Dammit. I have to pay $250 for a months supply. I payed for 7 pills just to see if it was worth the bother and it is so I am going to pay for it. My complaint is that insurance will cover a bunch of downers but won't let me wake up during the day.

My Father Died June 11th, 2009

It hurts but I am okay. I can hear him talk to me sometimes; he is laughing. Now I know he isn't in any pain. He had a heart attack at the age of 55 years old. I love you, Daddy, goodbye.

Effexor- instead of Paxil CR

I have been on a small dosage of Effexor for depression and I have noticed the difference. I still cry and am depressed but I am not as suicidal. Paxil CR made me gain weight...104 lbs. no matter what I did I could not lose the weight. I was up to 254 lbs. I have been off Paxil CR for 6 weeks and the last two months I have lost 14 lbs. I'm not hungry, I'm not snacking. And I eat once a day. I still eat a little ice cream in the morning and drink about 3 glasses of Coke and 2 glasses of sweet tea a day. I ddrink something all day long so I can keep my belly filled. And when drinking caffeinated drinks they make you PEEE ALOT. So it runs through you and you are always filled up. I have about two pieces of pizza one day and beans the next and speghetti with meat in the sauce the next day. Normal food...just not alot...a little. Keep the drink (vitamin water is the best ) and lose the food.