I've just started "therapy" (which I say with a tad of sarcasm since it's not ever enough to do any good, but anything's better than nothing, I know) with my newest doctor, who is being supervised by a doctor who has worked with 25 DID cases so far (my thought...'whatdya want, a medal?') and figured I'd try to describe how it feels to have DID. There are two different feelings. No, there are bunches. But I'll describe the two main things.
One is when I switch into someone who I don't share thoughts/consciousness with. Then, it's like absolutely nothing...like I've been asleep and I suddenly wake up in the middle of something, functioning perfectly well, at least to all appearances, but I have absolutely NO memory of the time that passed. That one is the rarest for me, since I share consciousness with several of my parts.
When I share consciousness with someone inside, and the switch happens, it can happen a couple of different ways. The easiest/gentlest way (and least common LOL) is for me to be in the middle of talking to someone for example, and suddenly I'm feeling an absolutely irresistable urge to say something that is NOT what I want to say, and it's an urge that cannot be ignored, and once I give in to it, for a few minutes maybe it'll be me and that urge, then I'm still kinda there, but it's like I'm standing behind myself, I can see what happens but I cannot control my body or my words. Sometimes there's tunnel vision, where all I can see is a small area in front of me, and I can hear the words being spoken like when you make a toy telephone out of tin cans and string.
Then there's the abrupt switch, which sometimes even happens in mid conversation with someone. Or worse still, what I personally call the "cluster switch", where everyone suddenly talks at once. Example...roomie asks..."What do you want for dinner tonight?" Me: "McDonald's-Wendy's-KFC-I'll cook something-Subway". Then I end up just looking at her and saying "Should we take a vote?" When those happen, there aren't any physical feelings really, just frustration that all the words can't come out at once.
The situational switch. I can be mild and calm, and if someone says or does something that I think is unfair to us in some way, suddenly I'm a raving lunatic (and keep in mind, I still absolutely do NOT NOT NOT swear. so this is the only way that my roomie can tell that Celeste has emerged) Most of me will quietly just take any abuse from anyone but Celeste will gleefully tell you to F*** yourself, and exactly where you should do it, and with what. She's ballsy. Makes me jealous. Except that a couple of times she's threatened to or attempted to physically attack someone....VERY uncool. (Though she wants me to add, they had it coming to them)
One thing in common to all the switching is the headache afterward, one that they haven't come up with a cure for yet. Right now my doctor is letting me try Midrin for it, with mixed results so far. Even Vicodin doesn't fix these headaches. They're right on top of the head, right in the middle...and so painful that I can't even describe it.
I think the main difference in my opinion between having DID and 'hearing voices' is that with DID, the voices don't come from outside of my head, they come from my mouth to the outside world. Each of 'me' has her own likes and dislikes, and lots of times they clash. Sometimes, like with Celeste's comment earlier, we hear each other's thoughts inside, or see them in what's called the 'Hall of Records' where we can exchange information (very necessary in order for us to have survived life without being detected for so long, and function in school, etc.).
Anyway, I can't really find words right now to describe more than that.
No comments:
Post a Comment