A psychology teacher...

A few months ago, a psychology teacher, who came to my store, asked me a question. I have never really stopped thinking about it since. She asked "How do you not know that it isn't real?" I kinda realized right then and there that most people probably think that way about Schizophrenia and other Mental Illnesses. My first reaction was to ask her how could she not hear it...? But I said "You know, if it sounded like a ghost haunting, or just jibberish then I probably would know that it isn't real. But it sounds just like people I know and have known most of my life. And they talk about things that only that person would know about." I don't think she could understand at all. I hear my mother alot lately, I also hear my brother and my father....I don't hear my sister much because I guessed that she was always busy. I hear my Aunt Lisa, sometimess I hear my Aunt Linda. Each person talks about things that only they might know about ...about me anyway. The voices (as people would call them...I call them people or family) checks in on me sometimes or just has a light conversation with me and then goes back to their world. ...But I have come to the conclusion that maybe...maybe...it is just my brain assuming what that particular person would say or do about something. I miss my family a great deal and I need them but money keeps me from making those trips and work also. I can't even get to Georgia much anymore. Maybe I just miss and need them so much I hear them everyday.

Sometimes, the voices are like a warm comforter around me and I don't feel scared too much...they baby me when I'm sick...they tell me what to do in order to solve a problem...they scream for me when I fell scared for the moment. And my mind thinks everyone can hear it they just refuse to say they can because they would be called crazy. It is a delusion that has never gone away. Not even with the medicine. I don't feel that the "people" can SEE me much anymore but they can hear me if I will them to.

Other times, they are people I don't know very well and they are mean and nasty! They start telling me that someone in my family will have a wreck and get hurt or die. Stevie drives a tractor trailor so I worry about it to a breaking point, as well as, my step father and everybody who drives. I get paranoid about it and it last for hours. I am like a desperate person trying to save the whole world when these voices start up. It is like knowing that something awful is going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. You're kinda just sitting there waiting and watching to see if everything is going to be alright. Did I say the right words to stop this from happening?... will it work? In my Paranoid Schizophrenic world it is called "The Magic". "The Magic" can make anything possible if you use it right. If you use it wrong it will turn into a chaotic, terrible event. It's real hard to explain.

But most of the time now I don't hear many voices...I am too busy. I am able to look for the answers to the problems myself without the voices interfereing. Things are quiet nowadays. Even at work.


So to answer the question with my honest reaction....

How do you not know that it isn't real?

I can't help it but how can you not hear it. How do you not get messages through the television or radio? How come I do? It gets so loud sometimes that I can't hear real people speaking. I am learning loads more about my disease and I am learning that it is not real...the things I have heard for 19 years...the things I have seen or hallucinated... but then I have even seen my husband talk with his mind so many times...how can it not be real?