Well, I have been doing okay with the schiz until the last week. I haven't slept in four days ...no more than 12 hours the whole four days. That could be because of the heat....but my voices say it is because, David, one of the voices and his two friends are keeping me geared up until I "come home" says the voices. I believed yesterday but I don't today. And Samantha is back with her grueling bit about my kids. Guilty conscience....regret ...the things that really get to me. I just wander how I will make it through work today. With no sleep and the voices so loud and demanding. I feel so powerless in my mind that I can't keep things settled in my head. But here I am typing this. Somehow I always make it through it. I am counting on it like I never have before. My therapist (a new one) says she is starting a group therapy and she wants me to help other schiz's learn how to cope and learn skills to cope with schizophrenia. I just told her what I do when I have an "attack" and she was kinda getting real excited....go figure...I sit for hours scared to death for my life and the psychiatrists and therapists are absolutely thrilled about it. They get this look on their faces like "Oh Goody!!! A real one...a real schizo". They have also changed my diagnosis to Schizoaffective, which means I have a mood disorder with the schiz like being Bi Polar. So I say "Great!". Now I am a paranoid Bi polar woman with Sciatica of the leg....

Anyway, I am discovering better ways of doing things and better ways of handling my schiz. When I have an attack, which is like severe panic and anxiety, terror and fear, being terrorized by the voices which make me think that they are in control of what I feel....no shit, I have felt that I was being raped very, very violently and have felt people stabbing me. The voices say tthat they are doing this to me constantly. I hear them now but they sound kind of off to themselves chatting and laughing together...doesn't seem to be about me...so that means I have to keep busy.

I recall the first voices I ever heard... I lived in Georgia and was 15 years old when I went around the house looking for my deoderant...the tv was on and I had my back turned towards it when suddenly I heard a voice say"You looking for something????...It's up there where you left it on the firplace." Not that I should have left deoderant there but I kinda shrugged it off. The next thing I heard was a few seconds later when the voices coming from the television said "Yeah, I can see you..." then I just left the room. It wasn't till I was 19 that I began talking to myself and in a delusion constantly. I thought of it as daydreaming but I seem to carry too extremes. Hell, "daydreaming" was the only escape I had from the misery of my life. Escaping started as like the first day I can remember ever in my life.....I was about 3 years old, maybe...almost 3...we lived in California and I had on a diaper or little panty's and my father was taking them off and he started touching me and I began dreaming I was far away in a grassy field to far for anyone to reach me...and I didn't like the touching.Eerieness, and feeling like if I moved I would break apart inside...scared in other words. Then my family moved us to South Carolina and the "touching and playing" went on for 6 years till I was about 9 years old. Then suddenly, Lisa, was there and I was free!!!! He didn't do it again. I wanted to tell Lisa but I was afraid she would not like me anymore. But even though daddy never touched me again like that I had the eerieness of the first time EVERY single time he was around. I only felt able to breathe anyway I wanted to when he wasn't home. Free to breathe....I could be just me then.

That's enough for now....Jen