Fighting off urges...

I need to fight off the urge of talking to my "voices". I tend to tell my "voices" to "Get Away!" and that is not a good thing when you have customers around you. OOOPS! I can imagine trying to explain that to one of my bosses....hahahaha

Apparently self-injury is common in people with DID.

I just wish I could fight the feelings more than I am able to. Sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel 'real' in an unreal world. Makes me feel better, more in touch with things, more HERE instead of so fragmented. I've successfully fought off the urges about 5 times so far since my diagnosis...and I'm proud of each time. It was embarrassing when I had to go for blood tests yesterday and my arm was all scarred with long straight lines. The technician didn't say anything but she did see and I just looked away. There are some things that are so broken that they cannot be fixed. Ever.

It is better

...Too take my medication once in the morning and once at night. If I take both Geodon at night I end up too sullen. I hope I spelled that right. It makes a difference in my attitude. I feel too sedated if I take them both at night. I feel that way all day long. It cuts down on the "voices" also.
I am off to work after having a couple days off. I just Thank God I can work. Sometimes it gets hard but I think I am strong enough.
It gets overwhelming to live two different lives. I "hear" one life and live another. I remembered a long time ago that my "voices" would tell me that all the things I was hearing was my own brain...but I didn't believe them. Now I note constantly that I don't hear any "voices" when I am in a conversation with a real person. I put in quotation marks the word "voices" but to me they sound as if someone is right next to me talking to me. It is just that my doctor puts the word in quotation marks- that is where I got it from. I told him that I felt people trying to read my mind and all he said was "How do they do that?". It isn't the reading my mind that bothers me as much as the feeling I get...I feel uncomfortable, uneasy, and insecure. It is hard to work or be able to do much of anything (especially concentrate) with the feelings I get from the "hearing", "seeing" and "smelling" things. I just realized that I doubt anyone will understand this either...but at least I do.

No"cocktails"

My Doctor feels that with the reactions I had to higher dosages of medications that I couldn't handle it...I will just be on Geodon and Paxil. I was devastated at first....because I wanted to get rid of the rest of the "voices" but, I am alright about it now.

I have to take a bunch of meds also...

At least what you have can be controlled or at least somewhat alleviated by medication. Mine can't. I take Paxil for depression and Klonopin for anxiety and Inderal for chest pain..all things caused by what I have, but even though the medication is helpful for anxiety (and when I start thinking that I'm fine without it, all it takes is to forget to fill it and let it run out for a couple days, then I see how much it really does) it can't fix what's really wrong. Supposedly therapy can, years and years of it...but the world that I live in inside myself isn't really all that bad most of the time. Yes, I get jealous of people who can do 'normal' things, but when I start thinking of what it would be like to be 'cured', to be just myself without each of my insiders, it scares me. They each have their own opinions and preferences and ideas and things, and they've been with me so many years that I don't think I have the right to change their lives, if that makes any sense. I hate most of all, though, not being believed. I think of all the things I struggle with, that is the part that I hate more than anything else. Then again, there are periods of denial that I go through where I don't believe it myself...but there are certain things that are absolutely undeniable. I just wish it were fixable no matter how many meds it took to fix it.

These last few days...

...have been quite peaceful. I go to see my doctor today so maybe I can get some more medical help. Maybe this time he will find the right addition to my combination of drugs. I just have to keep trying different kinds until we find the ones that help. Hopefully I will only need one more drug. The Geodon got rid of the fighting in the mornings and the feelings of being raped. It also helped with the bathroom paranoia...seeing faces in the toilet and feeling like I was being watched. Some of that is still there sometimes. It helped though. I can't wait to get shed of the feelings of someone "linking" to my brain and portraying my every thought. Or the hearing myself think. With the Geodon I know the difference between real and unreal... I know that it is not possible to read someone's mind but it doesn't stop the "feeling" as though someone is reading it. I know they can't but it feels like they are. I know this sounds strange but it is not something that I can just "talk" about to anyone...people get weird when they hear stuff like "psychotic features". I mean really what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear "psychotic features". But all it really means is that I hear, see, feel, and smell things that are not there. I am not violent nor are most schizophrenics. I just don't want to "hide" myself indoors...I choose to live or try to live normally. But here on this blog I can choose to hide nothing. Everyone needs an outlet. With people I have to be very careful about what I choose to tell them.
Well let's get ready to see my doctor and begin my "cocktail" of medications. Oh and Lisa, remember your physical health is important, too. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

I cancelled the lithotripsy I was supposed to have.

I couldn't stand the thought of the needle for the spinal injection and it was causing us to sleep about 3 hours a night and to switch out repeatedly trying to find someone inside who could handle the massive amount of terror. Then after it was cancelled, I had to deal with Jenny (who is apparently still 10) wanting to draw...and as usual, her picture was all sharp angles and points and dangerous things and nuclear missles. But she was able to communicate that she was afraid that the doctors would be angry with us for cancelling the surgery..and one thing we've never been able to handle (with the exception of Celeste, at least) is having someone be angry with or unhappy with us or something we've done. We'd rather do nothing, than be criticized. Criticism or even the anticipation of criticism or anger always leads to cutting. I'm proud of myself though, we didn't cut this time although the urge was very, very strong. Cutting is usually the only way that Jenny can disappear back inside, because she doesn't feel that type of physical pain when she does it, and she cuts until it does hurt...then whoever is left in front at that point cleans up, takes care of things, and deals with the inner devastation that we feel afterward, and shame, and depression. My doctor feels my meds are working properly, and perhaps they are, I'm not so sure of that since I'm becoming more and more limited in what I can do as the days pass...but I'm in no active therapy at all right now and I wish more than anything that I could find a therapist that would deal with me who is experienced with DID/MPD and that I could afford on disability. I need it badly and want it badly but my doctor discontinued the therapy that we were doing and never explained why even though I've mentioned it, and I gave up rather than push her. I checked into therapists locally and the nearest one I've been able to find is about 90 minutes away--which seems like a thousand miles to someone who can Barely drive 2 miles to the store and that's only on VERY good days, which are rare and becoming more rare. So I do what I can by letting us draw and things like that. But I'm feeling more and more like a freak and feeling more and more anger than ever and that's not ok with me. I'm NOT allowed to feel anger, never have been, never should be. I tried to tell my doctor that I'm going to explode but she doesn't seem to believe me and I've told her before, several times, that #1, I do not lie to her, and #2, the most frustrating part of DID is not being believed. I think a lot of it is that her time at that clinic is up in about 6 more months and she felt a need to stop working on it. But why not just TELL me? I would have dealt with it better had there been honesty.

AHHHHH

It all sounds as if I'm in a crowded room with a bunch of people yelling and arguing. They are not arguing any certain topic, just odds and ends...more like bickering about nothing. I haven't tried to count them but there is about 7 of them. I even see my customers accuse me of instigating the nonsense. I wanna curl up in a corner and hide. It is all very frustrating and nerve racking. If I try to make it stop it seems to get worse. I end up humming to myself to rty to make it all stop. But then my "voices" want to hum with me and that makes me mad. It is like trying to get away from someone that follows you and is there no matter what you do to get away. I feel as if everyone in the world can hear it and it makes me paranoid. I think I am going insane. If I talk to myself it helps but then I don't really like the idea of being caught talking to myself. That wouldn't look good for someone trying to become an Assistant Manager.
On that subject...I was passed over for assistant manager but I have only been there 6 months. It sorta has me frustrated about it but I still try to prove myself. And I really think I do a good job. I am always there I haven't missed a day of work yet. And I will be working every single day until we get more help. My boss seems to want to make me an assistant but it is not up to him...It is up to his boss. With the stress of not getting any days off for at least two weeks there will probably be more "voices". This is like a test to see if I can handle the work load.
I feel anxious most of the time that no matter what I do the "voices" will start or get worse. It is like this all the time and it is a hell of a way to have to live. I see why most people who have Schizophrenia can't work. As if I wasn't crazy enough...stress makes it mountains worse. I wish they would invent a pill that made it go way within an hour of taking the pill. But it doesn't work that way. For my schizophrenia, my medication stopped certain parts of the schizophrenia like the fighting in my head in the mornings but did not stop other parts of it. There is the fighting outside of my head at work I need to stop.
This week I see my doctor and I am pretty sure he will begin to try to find another medication that could help me. I will be on a combination of medicines for my Schizophrenia instead of just one pill. Probably for the rest of my life. That means looking out for drug interactions and trying not to accidently overdose myself... wish me luck.

Therapy

Well, I talked to my therapist about hearing so many "voices" at nighttime lately. And it seems that we have found the problem. See I use to take my medicine twice a day...one in the morning and one at night for a total of 120 mg of Geodon a day. But when my doctor increased and then decreased my dosage from 120 mg to 160 mg and then back down to 120 mg he told me to take both pills at bedtime instead of one in the morning and one at night. Well the medicine began to wear off about 6:00pm the next night and since I couldn't take more until 12:00am (I work 2nd shift) the "voices" would get louder and louder. My therapist advised me to try the one pill in the morning to one pill in the evening again and see if that was the issue. So far, so good. It has been very peaceful at nighttime again. I have to watch that stuff when they put me on my "cocktail". The "cocktail" should start next week. I am sorta worried about taking several medications for schizophrenia. But I'll be careful.I gotta not forget to ask about my sleeping pills and should I quit taking them while I am on a cocktail.
Well, the working is going ok. I will have put in about 30 hrs overtime in next week because we lost a worker this week. Luckily, I got two days off before this started. &0 hours aweek until we find help. Can you imagine working 70 hours a week in a convenience store. whewwwww. I am kinda taking it pretty well right now. No extra voices or anything. Stress usually makes my "voices" insane. See there is a difference between me being insane and my "voices" being insane. I will go for now and get ready for work.

Paranoid...

I have been paranoid that people can hear my brain and they know what I am thinking all the time. It doesn't really seem to bother me but I feel it bothers them though. Which in turn makes me extremely paranoid. It has been going on for awhile and is worse the last few day. So I bought a Xanax which is making me feel normal again. Mel wants to go bowling tonight. It sounds like a good idea to get out of the house and do something else for a change. It seems that the more paranoid I get the less talkative I get. I am in a flat stage right now. Nothing is exciting anymore. Which is probable good. The more excited I get the more "voices" I hear.
My eyesight has change and Mel has made me an appointment with an eyedoctor for Thursday morning. He takes care of me. I am a very lucky woman to have him. I never had anyone take care of me except for Mama--she don't count though. I just wish this paranoia would go away so I can work better. I am off tonight and tomorrow. And I want to take advantage of it. I also want to get a weight machine. It will cost $159.00 which is pretty good for all that it does. That will help me to lose weight which is my top priority nowadays. I have lost 16 lbs since June so it is going real slow. But you would think that that was a healthy way of losing weight...wouldn't you. It's not fast enough for me. But I can at least see the difference now. That makes me feel better. Well I need to go fold some laundry and other stuff. I wanna geek on my computer.

Schizophrenia

Seems the "voices" are driving me up the wall. Most of them happen at work. There aren't as many but it looks like just one medication won't be able to stop it. SO I guess the Doc and I will be talking about other medications. The side affects for some of them are things like Diabetes and Blood Infections. Some of them I will have to have a blood test done every two weeks. But I was told it is a good medication for Schizophrenia. I just hope I won't need that one. Or maybe the other medications will be enough for me to say "NO" about the one that needs a blood test every other week. I was also told that if I felt suicidal at anytime while trying these medications I am to go straight to the emergency room. Glad I have some insurance now. :) Sometimes I think that this is too much just for Schizophrenia and I should've just stuck it out. But when I remember what it was like without the Geodon...I know that I have to do this. Or I will be screaming at the "voices" again. It slowly got that bad. The hallucinations caused alot of paranoia but I still have just alittle bit of that. I wander if what I am writing makes any sense at all.

Illness on top of Schizophrenia...

Some kind of infection. I have had a couple of periods this month and three separate spottings. My throat is swolen and I just all around don't feel good. I have been having more 'bouts at work with the schizophrenia. It really is getting harder. But I really need to work.