Sometimes...

I feel like someone has stolen pieces of my life... Like somehow my own brain is stealing it's peace of mind. There are times in my life when I can only recall the things I was "hearing" instead of what was happening in real life at that time. I can remembering "hearing the voices" and what they were saying to me more then I remember moments with my children. It is truly amazing how a brain can go on what seems like a crusade or go to another world without being on illegal drugs. I did not want to go to this other world but then --where my brain goes I, apparently, must follow.
My brain constantly tries to convince me that there is another way of living....a more powerful way... With the medication I take (Geodon) I am able to tell the difference between real and unreal. Without the medicine, it wouldn't take long before I couldn't tell at all and my mind would be a mess.
I remember times before June 2004 that I was in the house by myself argueing (real loud) to people that only I could hear and see. But they were real to me. And in June of 2004 I started to go to the Mental Health Center and was able to get help.
I really thought that I would get some "miracle drug" that would stop all of it at once, but it doesn't. I have come along way though from feeling like I was being raped...I actually could feel it--physically and emotionally (a hallucination). Hallucinations that you can really feel are absolutely the worst thing I could ever know of. Because when it is a hallucination you can't fight it off or fight back.
I was thinking about this yesterday when I noticed that, at least, I was only hearing things. At least, I can work. And at least....I am able to live controlled... there are still people who don't ever leave their house and can't work... most don't work.