Normality

Basically this week I feel pretty normal...a normal wife...a normal "feeling" parent and a normal working woman. I think my life would be quieter if I didn't work but then I would probably have more paranoia. I "hear" more voices at work then anywhere but I am more paranoid at home. I still feel like people are watching me and can see me undress, shower and use the restroom. It feels freaky but...not much I can do about it. I am coping with some depression this week. I seem to be getting haunted by memories of David and the kids. Especially right before I lost them. People say some things go away with time...but the desvatation of losing the kids has never gone away and the "haunts" of memories (not good memories) prolongs these feelings. I don't know whether it is normal to go through this from time to time after something devastating happens (I did not lose my kids to death but to Welfare) or if it is my schizophrenia. I lost my kids partially due to the schizophrenia and things I was doing and saying because of it and partially due to the fact that they were molested in my home. It was very awful and distorting for me to lose them. I said things to them that I don't remeber saying and to this day cannot believe I could have ever done that to them.....I never ever meant to. They know this now...THANK GOD. I never meant to hurt my kids. But it was alot of the things I was hearing in my mind and they were awful things. I ended up saying them to my kids. I can remember what it was I was hearing but I can't remember saying it to my kids. But I did and luckily Welfare saw it or else I would probably still be doing it. I didn't know that I had schizophrenia then...it wasn't something you talked about in front of people or even mention it to my family...you just didn't tell people you heard voices. I am rehearsing over and over again what I will say to my kids about the schizophrenia...my son knows but he doesn't know what I hear and he doesn't know much about it. So when I go to explain why they had to stay in Welfare custody....I just hope they forgive me and love me. My son does...we have a great relationship. But my girls are still in custody and I won't tell them about the schizophrenia until I am face to face with them...that way they won't think I am going to die from it or something.
This site is helping me so much. This is the place where I can let all my worries out. I can just write out all my gripes, worries, sorrows and other frustrations out.
I wanted to write this down too. I saw a T-shirt a while back that said "I was schizophrenic but we're all ok now" ... "we're" meaning all the voices...I thought it was cute and wanted to share it. Mel would never let me have a shirt telling everyone I was schizophrenic. He says he is not ashamed of it but he thinks it should be private. I told him about the things that I hear and he is starting to understand...he is literally the only person I can tell face to face and the only one who didn't freak out besides my Aunt Lisa...the other woman who writes on this site.
Well, why don't I explain what I hear lately...and it is not JUST hearing things. It is actually feeling things that are not happening - such as I feel like people are inside my head and it causes alot of tension and alot of paranoia. I feel uneasy and like I am never alone. And alot of times these people that I feel inside my head are fighting. It is like a bad marriage and the only thing these people want to do is argue and bicker at each other. I think I have mentioned this part before but I also used to feel as though I was being physically raped but I couldn't even fight my attacker off. He would just rape me and make himself feel huge and I could feel it...I was in alot of physical pain for months because I could constantly feel this. But the medicine stopped that stuff almost immediately. I take Geodon. But now I just feel like people can hear me and my husband making love. Because of this we are not making love so much lately. I have been smelling unpleasant odors that are really not there...we won't say what. The fighting in my head is what bothers me the most lately and that happens when I am late taking my medicine like last night. I am feeling alot better and I am not suicidal anymore. I don't feel worthless at all either. I heard about one woman who was schizophrenic and went to the hospital believing that the devil was turning her insides to liguid...she was feeling alot of pain and they had to admit her to the "psych" ward. So I am thankful I am taking my medicine regularly. I know that this all sounds absurd to you all but to a schizophrenic without medication it feels very real...the feelings are intense and extreme...please try to understand