"Walking Away"

I had another bad bout of the schizophrenia. I cried most of the morning and then half of the afternoon I felt as though if I could just start walking down the street and not say a word to anyone everything would be fine...just disappear. These are dangerous...I would say that these are my "suicidal thoughts". See, let me explain, if a schizophrenic has suicidal thoughts it is supposed to mean that the person should be in the hospital and have their medications readjusted. It is suppose to be the "sign" that the medications aren't right and the person should go straight to the hospital if they are having suicidal thoughts. It means something is really wrong. So what they do is hospitalize you in the psychiatric ward and do a little manipulating with the medications for about 3 days.

The two times when I thought I should be in the hospital for schizophrenia, I wasn't thinking of suicide...ok, a little,....but I KNEW I wouldn't try it. I think that the extent of my "suicidal thoughts" is that I get a real intense feeling that I should just start walking down the road, without a goodbye or explaination and leave it all behind, then things would be so much lighter a load to handle. The intensity of wanting to do this is something pretty powerful. Like yesterday, I could see myself leave the store, (I work) and with every step my cares and my pain and my worries and all the stress began to lift off my shoulders....and I could see myself living alone...it seemed SO much an easier thing to do...could you imagine. I have an intense fear of showering...I feel as though people are watching me and I can't shake it..I could just imagine that I wouldn't feel forced to shower everyday anymore because I wouldn't be working... I would just be walking. No more feeling like someone is going to hurt me because they can see me everytime they want to. I live so scared of the simplest things. The idea just seems like heaven to me.

At the same time, I have this, also intense, feeling that I should be in the hospital that something is definitly wrong with me. I even took an extra dose of Geodon yesterday...didn't do anything. Everything felt so wrong inside yesterday, I knew that that was my sign to go to the hospital...I should have went but dammit I was just out of work two weekends ago for that toothache. It wasn't until last night about the last hour of work that I felt alright again. The next time I should probably go.