Destiny

I feel like I am destined to be schizophrenic or something. Even when I am not in the mood to be a paranoid I get it anyway. A JOKE!!! These last few days have beeen exciting and boring at the same time. I am excited that my son is living with me and that I have custody...but I am scared to death that my daughters who are still in custody will never speak to me again. They are going to be SO hurt. I got a message ( like some schiz's get or think t they get) that I have to just be there for my daughters. It is all I can do. I feel so helpless. And devastated at the same time. When can they come home, Lord? But I am excited to have my son here...a whole lot of deep emotions which I am dealing with. Seem to be doing pretty good on the outside...functioning and all...

I also just had my meds increased which seems to be doing great on the voices and positive symptons but I feel dreary. And I know that means that the increase is not being tolerated well. Or maybe I just need to get used to it first...and then see how I feel. But if I don't start smiling soon..I think I might be fired...(retail). Someone is going to say something.

It hurts inside. I hurt for the girls. It hurts alot! And I feel like I don't even have the time to cry. I am not suicidal but I feel like I can't go on like this. This is a bad time to have to work 6 ten hour days in a row...and next week it is going to be 11 days in arow.