...the voices. They taunted, caught and kept my attention most of the day until Mel (my husband) called me this afternoon. Mel and I had an arguement about 4:00 am this morning and it was something he had gone on and on about most of the week and I cracked. I snapped. At first, I didn't say or do anything...no voices or any other symptons. I just went back to sleep. Then at nearly 9:00 am I woke up to voices that were naming my every move. Voices that were trying to rape me anally...I could feel every move....a tactile hallucination. The voices seemed to have to keep my attention or they would lose or "win" something bad. After a long and very frustrating 4 hours of this. I got a phone call from my husband saying that he apologized for this morning and that is when I got the message that one voice named David said he stole my "Good Feeling" away from me. SO I got mad and deep inside me I took myself back, as well as, my "Good Feeling" and began to put my clothes on and get ready for my husband. I just now realised that I am missing about 1 1/2 to 2 hours inside this delusion.
Part of the memory loss I have been experiencing for the last ...well, damn, I don't know how long...I've known about it for awhile now.
One psychiatrist told me I should put on my shield and I started thinking that I only have the yellow gold shield and that one must not be strong enough cause I could steal feel the rapist. I can't think of any metal strong enough to keep him out...I don't know about metals either. CAst Iron?
Anyway, today was a very emotional day. I stayed in the back room and when it is all over and done and I got to go outside...it was a beautiful day and I had missed it because I was so out of it. I've never been to the Mental Ward of a Hospital, yet. I wander what I do if I decide I have to go...I felt suicidal this time for a little while. I stared at my pills, a deep, long time. But what stopped me was I was going to Mama's tomorrow.
That's all for now....
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