New medication and psychotic attacks

I'm tired of all the insecurities and all the fear. I'm off work today, thank goodness or it woulld be awful....

I see a new psychiatrist now. She gave me a new presccription to try and knock down the voices. After 4 days on the new medication; the voices went from screaming, terrorizing, antagonistic and petty to nothing. The voices were telling me that I wasn't worth living and I should die. And any little or major pain that I felt at some point or other was pain that I deserved. The voices would make me feel raped in my anus and say that I could do nothing about it. They would say you are going to take this persons heart attack and then my heart would feel cramped. Those are just some of the things they did to me in the last few weeks. These kind of hallucinations are called " tactile hallucinations", that means that I can feel the hallucination itself. A really awful thing some schizofrenics go through. I feel them....

I couldn't take it anymore...the panic attacks were so awful that I don't understand how I make it through except for waiting for the Klonopin to start working.

My therapist told me today that I should write a book on how to cope with Schizophrenia...since I deal with the symptoms while I keep a job at 40 to 70 hours a week. And I was thinking reallly hard on it and deciding that I should but now as I write this I don't think I could. Just remembering the things the voices said to me and what they have done to me brings me down....too down...I think I don't want to live this way. I don't want to live. I got rid of the voices with the new prescription so things should be better but today I had another panic attack regardless of the new medication...so now I feel like it is all worthless and useless-----fear and terror will always be a part of my life and I can't stand the thought of it. I'm low...really, really low.

If things aren't better in an hour or two I am going to the hospital....it will be my first time in the psych ward.