Rude awakening

Yesterday, I woke up with someone screaming outside my head "You are going insane, bitch" and "You are psychotic, bitch." and they continued over and over again until I was shaking all over. My gums were hurtin' really bad too. I went on through the morning, taking my pain killers and medication as soon as I could. It finally quieted down after the Geodon got in there. It was the first time ever for me to hear that kind of stuff. It took most of the day to recover and be able to know what I was doing. I remember being at work ...like a robot...doing the work but I couldn't give you details. I can't remember the first half of the night. I am pretty sure that what happenend yesterday morning was a psychotic breakdown. And if it had last much longer I wouldn't have been able to go to work. I would've gone to the hospital. All in all the actual episode seemed to have lasted about ten minutes with the voice screaming at me that I was going insane. And I remember glancing at the "window" into myself and thinking I was still functioning. I mean, I could light up a cigar and smoke it and look for my purse. Even though I was shaking all over.
I awoke this morning to find out I was out of sugar...that meant no espresso...NO! So I stole my husbands car and went to the store and came right back. I haven't felt like myself in a couple of days and the last thing I was going to put myself through was not having my morning rituals..two espressos and two Goody Powders. It just seemed like too much stress to go without my espresso. I felt I couldn't deal with that right now. Well, at least it is not alcohol or illegal drugs anyore. THANK GOD!!! I couldn't handle the ups and downs then I sure couldn't handle it now.
I am afraid that I am going to end up in a mental hospital, rocking myself, because the voices have taken me away from my own head. I caught myself rocking yesterday right after the voice stopped screaming those words at me. I thought...OH NO here I go. I am going to end up on a check afraid to leave my house. Please, Lord, let me work and be able to live as normal as possible.
When they discribe Schizophrenia as a "disabling brain disease" (note the word disease) I kinda thought to myself "well, it might be a disorder but not a 'disease'". I just note the things that I could do everyday...that they actually say most Schizophrenic's can't do. And I thought I have been doing it for so long...like working, leaving the house and I am able to go to WalMart too. Crowds don't bother me. Loud noises do but not loud noises of crowds of people. I guess because I "hear" all the time. Loud noises seem like a person is hollering inside my head. Anyway, about the "disease" part of schizophrenia...it is a disease!. I feel like I am getting worse. Like these last few weeks or this last month there is always something going on with my schiz. Something new...and the hallucinations (visual) are hapening 5 or 6 times a day. Something is going on here. WHich it could be the stress of my husband's cancer diagnosis. They found some polyps and one was cancer...the doctor cut them out and thinks he got it all but...BUT...!!! We just got married in November...am I already gonna lose him. He is THE ONE...you know....