New Colors!!! And bad stuff...

I have been off Geodon because I took myself off of it. Geodon helps me to know that the hallucinations aren't really happening. I took my self off mainly because I thought I didn't need it any longer. Boy, was I wrong. I am having "audio hallucinations" every day. The voices argue with each other and even correct each other if something isn't said right. I have been off Geodon for about 3 months now.

Depakote ER- my insurance will only pay for the generic form of this drug for major mood swings and WalMart doesn't carry it.
Been off of it for about 3 months.

Wellbutrin- I ran out of refills on this drug before it was time to see my psychiatrist (4-8-2009). I have been off this drug for about three weeks. This is an anti depressant, also.

Paxil CR--I have been off this anti depressant for about 2 months because I couldn't afford to refill it. My insurance will only cover a percentage of that medication for some reason.

Trazadone- sleeping medication only seemed to help the first fe3w days and then I couldn't sleep at night again.

But I see my psychiatrist on the 3rd day of April...so soon I will be on all the meds again.


My world has been crazy. My daughter sees me talking to myself, I have been hitting the walls where I thought the people were fighting with me through that certain wall. One of the voices named Billy Cannon is pretending to be standing on my neck while I sleep and I literally wake up gasping for air. They are trying to kill me and I have done nothing to them. I get so damned depressed I want to die, and I think about taking all my Klonopin and Trazadone and just die. I hear my father say he doesn't want me calling anymore and I hear my mother doing evil minded things to me...like making me depressed and she tells me to kill myself. I haven't spoken to either one of my parents since Christmas because of it.

Four whole days.

I had four days of total hell, and finally broke down. I through my daughter out of the house...but she came back after an hour and a half and I begged her forgiveness. She forgave me. I won't say what she said to me that made me want her out of the house, I shouldn't have taken it so hard.

I go back to see my Psychiatrist and Therapist in the beginning of April. I have been freaking out for a while now and I am having stomach problems , a doctor said was probably due to my medications.

Freakin' out again...

I had a little trouble from the voices and I began hitting the walls and yelling at the voices while my husband and daughter were at home. My insurance will not pay for brand name medications anymore. So I came off Paxil CR and Depakote ER, The Depakote Er is for my Bi Polar mood swings and boy I can definitly tell the difference with out it. My voices are confessed drug addicts and dealers. I quit drugs 7 and 1/2 years ago. I have no desire to ever do anymore drugs.

But sometimes my voices will say they gave me some "crank" and I really feel it. Is that a tactile hallucination or what.

Paxil CR... Can 't say enough about it!!!

I got my Paxil and the nightmares went away the very first night. I slept straight through the night for four hours... which is more than I have had in 2 weeks. I feel much better and I stay up now...during the day and into part of the night. I was alot more in control of my depressing thoughts, also. I know Paxil CR isn't for everybody but it works for me. I also take Wellbutrin...150 mg twice a day. I haven't been on it but a few months. I have been on Paxil CR for four years then I had the thoughts of suicide so my psychiatrist thought I needed a little more of a boost with the Paxil CR. Fixed me right up!!!

I didn't do as much running around as I did yesterday but then there isn't much cleaning to do so I wrote in my diary. And wrote a letter to my son.

Nightmares for 2 weeks!

I have had the worst nightmares again. They wake me up every hour and a half to two hours. I can't sleep so good. It's because I couldn't get my Paxil CR filled until today. I should sleep tonight though.

I had surgery done on my back on December 26th, 2008 and it went great...no pain. But the voices keep telling me they are giving me all their pain. My left side started hurting and my right leg. And then after I finally got my meds filled this morning, the voices and the pains went away. I feel so much better. AMEN and THANK GOD to doctors and psychiatrists.

Not sleeping...

I can't sleep lately. But I can sleep during the day. I have my meds back and they keep me low but I am not sleeping. I have even taken a few sleeping pills...nothing.

Crazy world I lived in...

I was out of meds for 6 days and it was grooling. I had nightmares every time I fell asleep and I was very delusional and hallucinating at the same time. I could barely sleep for a couple of hours at a time and every time I fell asleep I would have a crazy nightmare. The voices kept saying that they were keeping me up because they wanted me to go crazy and have a nervous breakdown. I actually think that I did have a nervous breakdown. I went on Sunday to drive my daughter back to Georgia and I couldn't stop shaking. I was shaking on the inside and the outside. I felt sick too. I don't know how I made but I had to pull over about 4 times ands sit in the car until I thought I could go on. I would just sit there for about 45 minutes at a time. All I could tell Tina was that I was really sick. But aftewr that, when I got home, I layed down in bed and could not hardly move for about 4 days. Mel knew I was sick or something. I hurt everywhere and the voices were terrible. Maybe I was just sick but Lord that was hard.

Well on the fifth day I felt better and even had the energy to clean the house.

Wellbutrin....

I am not too sure if the Wellbutrin is working or not... the first month I tried it I started acting like a human and even had more energy but I don't seem to get that now. I had suicidal thoughts this afternoon. Just for a few minutes but still. I could just see me lying on the couch asleep for the rest of my life...unhappy, and the voices have been terrible the last four days. They slacked off today.

Well, I know that now that the IT classes will start Monday...I am looking forward to it.

Something is wrong with me....

I can't seem to stay awake and I feel like all my muscles just don't work anymore. I'm not taking Klonopin in the mornings like I was prescribed (one in the morning; one at night) because I would sleep until 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I only take Paxil Cr and Depakote in the mornings now. I feel so lazy that I just don't have any energy. This depresses me so much. I am going to see my physical doctor about this and then address my psychiatrist about it. I have never been lazy like this...it is rediculous. I hope I don't have cancer or something. I have been having sharp stabbing pains at the left ovary and my left leg stays in pain.

I will post when I find out something.

Almost did it last night.

The only thing that stopped me was that I sat down on the ground to wait a bit and I was too fat to get up in time...mental note, next time don't sit down. After a while it became funny in a sick way, but definitely funny, and I just went home.

I have my suicidal days too...

I've gotten as far as having a definite plan outlined in my mind for when the time comes. No pills, that's not reliable and could just leave you embarrassed or comatose. No knives or guns either, not reliable enough either. My way is absolutely foolproof, and just knowing that keeps me from doing it in some strange way. It's like it's always there, if I need it, but nothing so far has been quite bad enough to need it. I think it's more of a feeling of knowing that I could control it if I absolutely had to that helps.

Suicidal...

If y'all don't know already I go to a Mental Health Clinic of this county. (No need to name it). The psychiatrist sees you for a grand total of 15 minutes maximum and that is to get medicine and refills and you see a therapist for all that you need to talk about. Well, my therapist likes to talk about her family problems and such. I like her as a person; she is great, but as a therapist she sucks. She had the nerve to ask me why I was suicidal...REALLY!!! How the hell am I supposed to know I feel this way for no reason as far as I am concerned.
I dream of taking the whole bottle of Geodon I have plus other meds. I feel like I am barely hanging on. I am scared to death my daughter will see it and know about it...So now anyway, my husband, who is literally my life saver through this is setting me up with a REAL psychiatrist. One who listens to your problems and then decides on advice to give you from 12 years of schooling not two years of tutoring. This has got to work. I'm at the end here. I'm desperate.

Depression

Dee's job may be closing sometime in the next year. Or it might not be. Depends on who you believe, but it made the front page of the newspaper so it's not just rumors. That happens, we live on my $856 a month. This is the first place I've lived that's felt like home in ages, and I'm scared to death that we'll lose it. Not only that, but it's actually a very cheap rent for this area, and finding another place is extremely hard. I'm fighting it but the depression is taking over and I'm already hating 2008.

My Paxil keeps me alive.

We didn't have any money so I didn't have any signs of a birthday. Shouldn't matter, I know...but it does. I guess on the bright side, no cake means no calories, right?

Whatever.

This Christmas...2007

I spent the last two weeks coming off of Paxil CR cold turkey. I ran out and had no money to get anymore. My own fault I wanted to have a Christmas this year. I had nightmares every night at least 5 times in the night where I would wake up and go back to sleep to get a whole new nightmare. It was awful. I will never let them put me on it again. I would have been able to get it filled if my insurance company (still good insurance though) hadn't decided to raise its co-pay on Paxil CR to $22 every refill. Usually would only be $9. Paxil is a contreversal drug these days. But it helped me it just wasn't helping enough. They raised Paxil CR as high as they could raise it for me and I still had suicidal thoughts. But I didn't want to commit the suicide but the thoughts aren't what I want to have entering my brain either. SO I decided it is time to try something else. Yes, I do need my psychiatrist's permission to get something else. We'll see what she recommends. But it turned out to be a sad CHristmas with the death of my stepo father and memories of the 2006 Christmas we all had together...I missed him so much. I went through that alone, too. Afraid it would ruin my mothers Christmas if I were to talk to her about it...so I left it alone. I missed my last therapy and need to make another appointment. I will next week.

That's about it..still awaiting the arrival of my grandson in February. I can't wait.

Attacks

I have been having attacks every week, lately. They are of course differentt as all of them are except for the black fear I feel inside. I had two this week. I am out of three medications but they are just for moods besides Topomax...forgetfulness...so they say. I forget major things. But so far so good in college.

Yeah, I decided to go to college online; an accredited school, of course. I can only imagine what I'll learn. I am trying to get my Associate Degree in Information Technology. So far I have good grades and all is well. I am in the third week. It isn't as easy as it sounds ...it's real college..but there are reason I would rather go to an on-campus college and also very good reasons to start out at online college. My disabilities are thew best reason. I want to go to another college to get my Bachelor's Degree.

I tried to work for 3 1/2 years with voices so loud I couldn't hear my customer's. Going into black periods when I totally can't remember what things are around me and be so scared because of the black terror that creeps up inside me until I'm afraid to move. Coming home from work and sitting in my safe spot on the couch all curled up. Sometimes the voices are nice and help talk me through them. Sometimes I just need two Klonopin to stop it cold but then I knock out. Then there are times that the attacks last for hours and I just can't get myself together. But I am having them every week now. I just can't work like that. But I am not done trying to work. While getting my Bachelor's I will try again hopefully more stable in a good job.

October 6th to 8th, 2007 nighttime

I was at my mother's apartment when I began to leave...I noticed I was feeling lightened up suddenly but sad at the same time. It was my Step father's birthday October the 6th and I think I left Mama's at 12:00 am on the 6th. Anyway, she needed this time to herself so I left. But earlier that morning I noticed I had run out of medication and didn't have anymore to take of anything except my Paxil CR (anti-depressant). So I took it that morning thinking I would have to go without the meds today because I didn't have time to go to the pharmacy before I left on my trip. I was going out of town. ALONE!

Anyway, I made it through the whole day and then as I was sitting there talking with Mama I became uneven...mood swinging really sharp-like...crying then laughing then crying again. I know it had alot to do with the subject of my step father Larry F. Dooley and that I was worried about my mother. As I left I went on down the road and got about 20 miles down the highway where I was to change roads and they had blocked it completely off. They had big barrels all the way across it. So I had to turn around and go completely back to where my mother lived nearly and go another way. I would have to go through Tennessee. Chattanooga is complicated for me to go through but I had done this one before and it was the only other way I knew to get home. That's when I started to freak out and the main voices came. Loud and chatty at first. Once I knew I would have to go through Chattanooga, it all began. I was tired from driving all day, also. Then there was the fight with my 19 year old son.
At first, the voices said "I'm home!!!" I said nothing. Then the voice said "You scared me to death!" Talking as if to me and about me doing something. Then something else was said "Do you know who this is?" And since most of my voices have names I did know who it was. I said "Yeah...How are you?" He said "Fine, now." and "And how are you?" I said "Great" I think. And I had a speed limit change and let off the gas. Then another voice jumped in and they began talking and the first voice said to me "Here's you something to make it home on." Talking about the thing we call "running medicine". Makes you awake and you can get all your work done easy. It makes you feel good, too.
Anyway, I didn't hear too much from him except that I could hear myself chatting what I was thinking out to the world...but that is not what I meant to do. It is like speaking into a microphone and you think that the whole world can hear you. But all I was thinking about was how NOT to get lost. Oh the voices, made fun of me if I studied to long on which way to get back on to the on ramps and things like that but it didn't get so bad till I got home...and I made it with no false turns..THANK YOU!
After I got home about 5:00 am I rested. But I couldn't sleep. My husband called at 6:24 am to get me to meet him at the car rental place to return the car....uggghhhh!!! So I got ready and met him there and the voices did follow. I finally got to sleep about 7:30 am. I slept all day but instead of the voices being dulled down they were still there and loud as ever. This is when the tactile (touching and feeling ) hallucinations began. I felt I was being raped anally and put myself back to bed trying to put up my sheild. But it seemed to fail. Now, I did not come up with the shield on my own the doctors told me to make myself a shield and use it. I myself thought that means more schizophrenic thoughts but...! Anyway, I went back to sleep and slept again and it was too late on Sunday to get my prescriptions filled so I had to wait. I ended up waiting until Monday afternoon at 4:30 pm. Then I got them all and it took about 3 hours for the Geodon to set in and the voices calmed down with the Respirdal. It took a couple more days for me to feel better. It is early morning on the 11th now. Rough weekend!!!!

In Loving Memory of...

Larry Franklin Dooley

October 6th, 1952 - July 13th, 2007

May you rest in peace throughout eternity.




I had known Larry Dooley for about 16 years and he had always treated me like his daughter. I was legally his step-daughter though. I knew him pretty well but I didn't get close to him until I moved in with him and my mother in June 2001. I decided I had baetter help around the house so I helped Larry take care of the "jungle" yard that we had. It had to be mowed and weedeated every week so snakes wouldn't come close to the house. Larry and I tackled that grass every time we had a day off...whew!
I got really close after the Doctor said Larry had Lung Cancer and it had spread to his Liver and Brain. I would come down from Huntsville every chance I got to spend some time with Larry. We talked alot about Mama and Mel and our relationships and how much we loved them the way things were. But all I kept thinking was that he was going to die on me and I would get so sad and cry on the way home after visiting with my kids. It made me so sick that such a good person could get such an awful disease. Larry was the kind of man who would help anyone he could whether asked to or not. I miss you, Larry!!!! I'll never ever forget you!!!

WAS Suicidal...

I was not thinking good at all. I ran out of Paxil CR, my anti depressant, and got so many suicidal thoughts that I wanted to carry them out but I was just too scared. I mean why live anymore I couldn't even work at a fast food restaurant right. How was I gonna find a better job. I was so unhappy there anyway. But I had to work. Turned out I am not a 16 year old who can run around and twist and turn on a dime like they can so I was slow. I need a place that takes a little more time to take care of their customers rather worry about getting an order out in 30 to 60 seconds...hahahaha. I was way better at customer curtousy then that fast food place was!!!! In my two months there, I had three attacks...that's alot...alot of pressure. Anyway, the thoughts were of me turning the car across the median and facing oncoming traffic at a high rate of speed. Most of the time that was it. But I got my Paxil filled and after a couple of days I was fine again. Clinically depressed is not fun. If I can't get a job soon I am going to have to go for disability....

In Loving Memory of...

Larry Franklin Dooley

October 6th, 1952 - July 13th, 2007



I will never forget you!!!

My Step Father

After an 8th month battle with Lung Cancer, my Step Father,(who was very close to me) died on Friday, July 13th, 2007. I was there when he died and saw him take him last breaths. It does things to a person...hell, seeing an animal die does things to me. I was so sad for him the whole time, ever since they explained he had the cancer. This is why I haven't written in this blog in so long...I was so overwhelmed and haviing schiz symptons and trying to work. I had attacks ever other week and every few days. I spent months thinking some magical power I had would save him but then he died...one weekend I was talking to him and joking around and the next week he died.

I should explain my attack that I had. I was at work at a fast food restaurant when the blackness started over powering my head and I could feel it in mychest. Just like a slow covering tar creeping on me with the feeling of fear and terror attached to it. I went to the back of the restaurant and kinof got dizzy. Then there was this shard of pink see through glass that was floating through my brain trying to cut my brain. Then there were alot of pieces of glass trying to cut my brain up....I felt like I had to hide all of a sudden so I tried to walk across the room....I made it but as I got to the other side a feeling hit me and it went from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and I fell to the ground right then. I had no control anymore. But when someone else tries to talk to me sometimes I can understand and sometimes not...this time I understood my boss and I was told in short to go home if I could drive...it took a few minutes to get my legs working but I had already taken two Klonopin about 45 minutes before this and it was beginning to clear where I could go home. And I went homeand went to sleep. Back in my "safe place" on the couch with a blanket. That's All