MOre stuff...

I thought I was doing real good through this crisis that I am having with my son. I made it through the actual ordeal without any symptoms except for talking to myself. But today I woke up feeling very paranoid and scared. I am scared for what will happen next time. I am also afraid that my son will try to hurt me. I keep hearing sounds like someoone is in the house and sneaking around. I not only hear the movements ..I feel like someone is there ready to pounce on me. I am afraid of my son today. I keep hearing stories of parents that were killed by their kids. What if Cory gets that way. I don't know if I can handle this today. I took my medication and it should help with the paranoia and the scaredness. It should also help with the sounds I am hearing. I feel like a sitting duck. And now I am drinking a whole bunch of coffee..that'll help!!! Sarcasm, again.

The voices and major moodiness

The voices were yelling at me yesterday...fighting over whether I was paying attention to them or not. They just wouldn't shut up. I tried hard to ignore it but I ended up losing the battle. They were so loud I couldn't ignore them. One of the voices...David...just like my ex boyfriend kept trying to ruin my life and said that he was the one making me miserable. He kept saying "You feel miserable today." ANd trying to hand me his father's heart attack so that his father wouldn't have one. His father is like 85 or something and has had 2 bypasses. David is a very evil minded voice. My heart felt like it was hurting most of the night. The bad part of schizophrenia is that sometimes you actually feel the pain of what the voices say they are doing to you. It keeps me paranoid. Anyway, I spent most of the night hurting in my chest. And today it started out the same way but it has since stopped. I guess I got my medicine in. You would think that since I take three 80 mg pills a day that it would stay in my system good...but that could be my paranoia also.

I wish thay would find me a replacement soon for the store I work in now. So that I could go to the new store. I am going to miss Marty but Shannon seems real cool. I am anxious to start Assistant Managing!! I think I will love it. To finally get somewhere in this company. The anticipation of the new position is probably what is making the voices become a problem again. I wish I could laugh for awhile. I just feel so flat mooded lately (the medication causes this). I don't seem to laugh or have any fun at all....I am not even smiling lately. Nothing seems to interest me except this promotion from work. I wander what to do. Any advice from anybody could help????

Paxil CR 37.5 mg

I took my first of the new increased dosage of Paxil. One pill and I can feel the difference. Some people say that the drug Paxil has to get into your system for about a week before it begins working...but I can tell the difference now. The tears aren't coming to my eyes every few minutes. I guess I will really notice the change in about a week though. My voices haven't told me to "DIE" lately. But I also bet that the Lorecet has something to do with that too. I am feeling a little better...noticeable difference.

I set some goals for me a while back. Goals for my future and for my health. I am pretty close to the denture part of the goals. My teeth are bad. They are broken and full of big cavaties. I have had 3 teeth removed and with have 3 more removed soon. Then there aren't too many left until January when the Dental Insurance kicks in for the denture coverage. Then I will have a set of top side dentures. That is one goal that is being realized slowly but surely. I don't want it all done at once. Another goal was to become an Assistant Manager of one of the convenience stores I under. I am like two weeks away from that goal....Thank God!!! Now I will feel I am actually getting somewhere in this career that has CHOSEN me ...I am finally going to be a little somebody. Then after that...about two years or so...maybe I will be able to manage a store of my own. MAYBE... It might be too much though. After all I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic. Like it is barely a handicap.

I just had to start living with the schiz and not living the schiz! I wish some of those other schizophrenics were able to live like I do. I actually feel as though I am normal with these little problems that occur in my brain. They do occur everyday but it is a lot less than what it was without the medicine. Without the medicine I was getting worse by the day and I was literally psychotic for a long time. Thank God I am non-violent.

I feel like maybe I could handle a manager's position but then there is an amount of stress that goes with the job.

Anyway, I also feel as though I HAVE A LIFE!!! Not like I live in this world where people order each other's sicknesses out of evil-mindedness. Or that some system is contrlling my every move. It even knows what I will have to do at a certain time....or at least I used to think it did. Now I have none of those delusions. None of the big delusions that make me very crazy and tormented!!!

I have alife, a love, and a family that loves me and I love them...everyone of them!!!

My Psychiatrist

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of anidepressant because I was hearing voices telling me to die. I would just be doing something like fixing myself some coffee and the word would form from my lips and then I would hear it..."die" or "choke" or "wreck". I was a little paranoid about it but not too bad.

I was working 50 and 60 hours a week...alot of overtime. I also had been thinking that all I ever do is work and I guess I was making myself depressed. I may have to work tomorrow too. It is supposed to be my day off though.

I am going to be an Assistant Manager for another store (convenience store). And I am thinking that until I learn everything and it becomes easy for me..I will have more symptoms due to stress. But as long as I can concentrate I should be alright.

My birthday is today and I feel somewhat low about my age, 34, but kinda had a good birthday so that makes up for it. 34...34...and fat. 185 lbs. I usually don't eat candy bars much but lately I have taken a liking to "Heath" candy bars...NOT GOOD for weight!!!

I guess I am just not satisfied with myself lately. I can do it...I know I can...I have done it several times but I have also gained the weight back too. I stay busy and I hardly ever get a chance to just sit down. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not satisfied with me and I need to change that. I am not saisfied that I still smoke or what I eat. How much exercise I get. So I need to work on it more....