Weird how ....

Weird How I get home and lay down and I start getting a panic attack. I can't be still... the bed is very uncomfortable. I'm so tired and my feet are killing me. I do not want to lay down. These 10 hours a day is really getting to me. It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I did this real easy. Soon maybe it will be alright. That attack still has me fluttering. I know what I want. i'm getting nervous at work and fumbling. i got to go. love

Thanks Auntie's :)

I think that Ablify is a scientific miracle. Compared to what my head used to do...this is great. Almost like there is no other "world". But Sunday was really bad. I thhought I must've forgotten to take the med...boy was it bad. But I took a little more. It was like not being on any medicationexcept for the paranoia. It was bad. Abilify has the least side affects and the best outcome but I have side affects. I vomited some blood andmy stomach still hurts. I know it is probably an ulcer. I haven't seen anything on side effects yet...if ya'll see anything let me know. Side effects to me...these things just seem stronger-- Stomache hurts, sleep less..but it seems to suffice, eyes blur.. I mean really blur up. . panic attacks pretty regular... and really strong..I get real scared..like something isn't at least once every 2 days. BUT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WAY THIS DRUG HELPS ME. I feel "REAL" again. I don't feel like a whole other world is beating me down all the time. I don't have to protect everyone I love from the voices. Or the hateful, disgustiong, things they say.
I am so tired.... :) I worked 13 hours today. And closed the store on my first day. And I did it. Always knew I could work and be proud again. Ya'll I won't ask Melvin to help me with money much unless I work. Good night. 

Abilify

I found some info on Abilify, though I am sure you have already researched it. (I always do, when I get a new drug, and I doubt I am the only one that does!) But in case you haven't seen this one. Sounds pretty darn good.

It's one of those things...

That people can't really understand unless they live it.  Luckily for them, most people don't. I had a great conversation with a woman in an AOL chatroom tonight about DID. First chatroom I've gone in since...well it's been months at least. But she gave me perspective on it and a few ideas of things to read. I get so frustrated not being 'normal'...well, I wouldn't want to be the boring type of 'normal'...but at least normal enough to handle things like doctor appointments without freaking out. I have to go see the urologist on the 28th and he's gonna do that cystoscopy maybe, if I can be persuaded to allow it. There are some holes that simply should not have cameras inserted inside and that's one of them...I don't know if I'll be able to handle the pain. I know when I had a stent in for a kidney stone a couple years ago and they took it out, they said it would be 'a little uncomfortable'. HAH! It was downright painful and I informed them of that fact LOL.  I want them to find out what's going on with my left kidney...I can't stay on Vicodin forever, and I can't handle how much it hurts when I have an attack. But I don't want that cystoscopy!  It makes me feel invaded...
I saw Paula and Rebekah (and William) today for about 3 hours. I took them to get some boxes of baby cereal for Rebekah and bought Paula some dresses at Goodwill...she's enormously pregnant for 5 months, baby is due...I think she said December 17. It was an ok day but anything involving her involves me falling apart when I'm at home afterward, and tonight was no exception, but I handled it much better than I usually do, so I'm proud of that at least. Anyway, it's after 3 a.m., gotta try to get SOME sleep tonight.

I chose this background template

I chose this background template for a reason. The black part meant Psychological and the dots reminded me of the chemicals neccessary for the brains funtion. But a few dots are not there. Like a chemical imbalance. Cool Huh? I'm getting ready for my new job. It is 2:28 am amd My Mel just asked me if I was coming back to bed. Ain't he sweet. Funny too. I love him. I had a bad day yesterday. I can't really discuss this stuff with anyone else but the blog, they get scared. What about you Lisa?

 

This morning...

This morning I woke up with an episode. Even with the medicine as good as it is; it has never stopped the waking problem. I still wake up with an arguement started in my head. It is like there are several people that are in my head arguing. I really am trying to get control of these every morning but then it seems like it makes it louder but,  it also doesn't last as long as it use to. I remember when this started a few years ago. I woke up with an long constant fight between about 4 people going off in my brain. I never seem to react to it except that it puts me in a bad mood. This is probably why I can still work. Thank God though. Working makes me feel better.
Somtimes it feels like my brain is trying to prove something awful to me. Like...."HA HA HA There are still things I can do to you...Even with the medicine." At least I only take one pill for this or else I might be absolutely humiliated. HEHEHEHEHE Humiliated and then left feeling like there is no hope. That, dears, is the worst thing I think I have ever know. Like something (or it all) was hopeless.
 
My definition of Depression:
A slow, thick pit of tar, that seems drag you down into the rotating whirlpool and no matter how hard you try to hold on to something and pull yourself out...it seems to have you and dragging you intensly back in. And no matter howhard you try to get this tar off you .... it won't wash away.
 
Don't ever let yourself get that low. Get help. I managed to get out of it once...it had lasted a long time. Years.

My medicine...

I am on a medication call "ABILIFY" . It has helped me since the first day. I got used to get real sleepy but I'm used to it now. It was explained to me that the brain has receptors or nerve endings that recieve signals from other nerve endings and if they don't maintain the correct levels of "chemicals" the nerve endings don't receive well. This can cause dillusions or psychotic features. usually your brain make these "chemicals" by itself, but if not then it is chemically imbalanced. Pyschotic features are thing such as "voices" and other things "not really there" and sometimes violent features. I'm not violent, Thank You God. I have Thanked Him all day long today. I am finally going back to living. But I will be on this thing every day. Oh yeah...The ABILIFY helps my brain to maintain it's correct levels. AAAAAWWWWW Modern Science is a miracle to me. 

I am just finding out who I really am.....

I was thinking today..not sure if that was a good idea -I am just finding out about me. I argued that the "voices" were ruining my relationships for years. Any relationship I had was being "sabotaged" by these people with nasty attitudes and nasty opinions. Now I have to see it for what it is...It's All Psychological.... the "voices" are turning into my insecurities about my relationships. Anything I said wrong to the kids..the "voices" chant worse things. Things I would never say or do but they are things I am scared of or insecure about.  I am worried that I will say something wrong and it hurt them. I said something before and I couldn't remember saying it for the life of me. I still don't remember doing it and that scares me to death. So now I realize what it means and I am finding out who I am in the process. I am a schizoprenic woman, 33 years old really finding herself. Since I have found out about the phrenia, I have found my best friend in the computer. And in my family. I hope that I don't scare off. I am accepting myself, but I am handicapped when it comes to relationships and living.
I also know that I scared someone today while I tried to explain something that I had been going through. It scared her so no more talking about it. I just got my first lesson in how much to say...no other way to describe it to someone who doesn't experience it except to call it "voices". Lesson #1 Learned. I am sorry I scared her...I wasn't trying to.

It's harder sometimes...

For the people around us to deal with our problems than it is for us ourselves. Because they're not actually experiencing it, they have to take what we tell them and blend it with what they've read or seen on TV or heard about, and often, that stuff isn't realistic at all. When I first got with Dee, I told her as much as I knew about everything that was wrong with me in as much detail as I could before she even moved in with me. I guess I was afraid that when she found out about my depression and phobias, etc., that she'd realize it is too much for anyone to handle. The only thing I didn't really tell her about was the DID and that's mainly because I didn't really know what it was or why I acted the way I did. But when I did find out, I told her everything that I found out, and sent her some websites to read...and even then, she knew but didn't really know, because not too long after that we watched the movie "Identity" I believe it was, and she was like...'aren't you glad you just have DID and not multiple personalities?'  And I sat there for a minute, then took a deep breath and broke the news to her that it is exactly the same thing, just DID is the newer name for it now.  She was pretty shocked but pulled it together fast. :)  And it gave me a chance to tell her all the things about the movie that weren't accurate, that were overdramatized. So at least it opened discussion.

I was told that

I was told that Schizophrenia was hereditary. I was also told that "drugs and alcohol" isn't the cause of it or a trigger. But "drugs and alcohol" do not help anyone. My experience was that it sometimes made it worse and sometimes made it better. It seems to me that someone is doing these things to me...I smell skunk when there is none. I thought someone sent me the smell. Or maybe that is the way my mind perceives it. Probably the only logical explaination is that the smell would have to be there physically so when I can't see it my mind makes up an explanation. I think that I can hear people that I know and also people that I don't know even when they are not there. I think I must truly miss them alot or that they had a big impact on my life...so that any good advice I get from the "voices" seems to come from the paople I care about and love. One time I got a "voice" telling me in my baby girl's voice that I should trust in God. I was in a "could be a dangerous situation" when I heard it. I do believe in God, Life and Science. Love...ehhhh

I might be paranoid...

I told melvin my feelings this morning and he says it ain't true. But I believe you are right. He is still learning and realising what is going on.  He says that I have been leaving the room when he is in there. I hadn't noticed but I guess I am. He has been study after he gets home every night until he goes to bed. Literally. I think I am trying to let him concentrate. Because I am wiggly all the time. So I must be paranoid. OOPS Emotional, too.

My episode...

I got frantic about 4 times today. I get real excited then I feel like I'm panicking about things that aren't there. Then I feel real depressed about it.
 
I am feeling real upset right now. When the paranoid stuff starts I get real paranoid about stuff that isn't even true. I don't want to lose Melvin but, if I do I can handle it. I lost my whole family before. So today I should try to show him how much I love him and then maybe it'll work out. This is the most wonderful man of all my life that I have ever known and I love him. Buut things haven't been there best since we found out it was Schizophrenia. I guess while we were dating I should have told him about the "voices" but I didn't. Never thought that I would tell anyone. AT ALL
 
We have been together just over a year now.

Maybe this can help us....

For all those who don't know...Schizophrenia is when you "see", "hear", "smell", "feel" and "taste" things that aren't really there. My boyfriend poor thing, doesn't know what to think. But, I hope we will pull through. I have apparently had this for 9 years but I didn't think that it was "something". Even though I have had this awhile and there is really nothing new..it has gotten worse over the years. I am paranoid of normal things. The restroom happens to be one of them. I am afraid to shower and use the toilet because I think someone is watching me. Of course I do shower everyday but it is terrorizing to me. I "fight" the terror and just do it anyway. Just go on and live anyway. Don't let anything stop ME from living. It's hard but then there are good days.
I forget things for small periods at a time. It feels really scary to me to be the only person who really knows what is not a normal thing for me and see it happening every day.
I looked at the doctor who knew what medicine to give me because he has this skill and knowledge for it, and I wanted him to tell me how this happened. But, I was afraid to ask. HAHAHA