One type goes by how much you have worked, yeah..

and since you married him, you'd be stuck with that type I guess. Because his income would keep you for being eligible for the one I get, which doesn't depend at all on how much you've earned, and I get over twice what they say you'd get, so I guess it's different here.

The "voices" are extremely rough when I am at work.

But I don't want to quit. Having the money helps me psychologically and I don't want Mel paying for everything I want. The "voices" are tough to handle and they are pretty loud and irritating at work. But I can't imagine waiting for a $400.00 check every month. That is all I would get. They said it goes by how much you have worked and I would only draw $432.00 a month. I bring home twice that much after my bills are paid. I need to work if I can. So I will just be experimenting with different medications until they find my combination.
I also found out today that I have Eczema (a skin disorder). Great! Just Great! Did you ever want to stop going to the Doctor because you keep finding out stuff is wrong with you???

Getting disability...

it's a hard process but it's not so bad once it's over, and it helps to validate that you're not imagining things, there really is something that isn't the way it should be. At least it's helped me a lot with that. And it takes the stress of working away, which in my case was making my problems at least 50 times harder to deal with.

Ok I was wrong...

But you knew what I meant. You can write whatever you wanna write about. Or need to write about. This is all about psychological disorders and what at least me and you go through. With your PID/DID and my Schizophrenia we need a place to communicate. I was informed that I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic last week. And that I should think about drawing disability. I have been paranoid alot lately. I feel like people can hear my mind think and that it bothers them to hear it. They aren't trying to hear it, but they can't stop it. So I am sitting here trying to stop it with my mind. Same ole circle. But until I think to myself that I am the only one who hears this stuff then I finally calm down. And that is what is going on right now...all in "my little world".

Getting better..

I had to go back to the doctor and he decreased my Geodon to 120mg a day instead of 160mg. He said that was too much for me. So now I have reached my limit on the Geodon and will began to try other medications for the other schizophrenia features. The Geodon got rid of the fighting in my head and the paranoia...most of it. Now we have to try other drugs. I hope that I won't need to many medications for this. Some of the side effects of some of the other drugs are really awful. Like Diabetes, blood infections, gaining weight. So far so good though.

Dangers

I have all these reactions to this medicine and I have been informed that I probably need a "cocktail". That is when you have to take several different medicines for a problem like my schizophrenia. The side effects to these medications are serious stuff like Diabetes and Blood Infections. It's bad stuff. I have went as high as I will be able to go with the Geodon. The only drug that doesn't make you wanna eat. I am already paranoid about my weight. I also was informed that I should probably draw Disability. The slightest stress puts me into the "voices" and paranoia. (spelling may be wrong). When they increased my Geodon this last time I started having really blurred vision in my right eye and fainting spells. So I will probably be going back to the Doctor today or tomorrow. My work is suffering tremendously because of these appointments. Oh and did I mention the uncontrollable crying episodes every day this week. I can't handle it. I can't handle much more. And Mel is gone. My doctor wants him to quit his job but he can't yet. We need the money. And I really won't let him. He needs this for him> He has been worried about the money for awhile now. And he doesn't have to worry with this job...he makes a lot. I can't quit crying. My therapist is working on that though. And what I meant about Life Isn't Fair was about your situation...Lisa. But I am right behind you ok. Every other day seems like a struggle to just get stuff done that I have to do. But if I lay around I get overly paranoid that maybe I am not breathing right. I feel terrified all the time. But my therapist just called and I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 about the bad effects from the increase in Geodon. Am I going to be literally sick with blood infections because of schizophrenia? I am scared to death.

You're right...

Life isn't fair...but it beats the alternative, I think...I've been very very sick for 3 days so that's why no one's hearing from me right now. Got to go back to the kidney specialist tomorrow for an x-ray. One good thing though, I'm going to get to have the D&C that I've been trying to get for years. Though I'm terrified of the anesthetic since I always react to it. But I can't handle the pain anymore either.

What's wrong?

Life isn't fair...

I'm sooooo stressed out...

That is why I have been hearing women screaming. Doctor says it is stress. I finally cried this afternoon before Mel left because he was leaving again. Going to drive a tractor trailor for his new job. He leaves and is gone for 5 nights a week. I thought I was handling things pretty good...guess not. I feel fear and tiredness. I am sad when he is gone and anxious too. It all adds up to too much at any rate. My doctor increased the dosage of my medicine also. And now I know why there is a sticker on the bottle that says "Do not operate heavy machinery". I have been taking this medicine at such a low dosage that I never "felt" those kind of effects before. Now I feel them with the first pill. So I guess now we will see how this stuff works. I think I know why there is such a problem with people not wanting to take the medicines for schizophrenia. It brings you down fast. Even with the other pills it brings me down. But if it weren't for those Geodon- my whole world would be crashing around me. I will keep taking my medicine but I have to take it at just the right time. Stress, fear, tiredness, anxiety, work, and much more....oh goody.

I'm having troubles again...getting tired of it.

I seem to be able to have a few good days where I have a little energy and feel happy about my life in general, then suddenly I go downhill and when I do, watttchhhhh outtttt. And it's driving me crazy. I know everyone has moods (hold on, I need a good cry, lemme put on some tearjerking music to try to get this thing over with lol...) But this is so frustrating, because I have to deal with not only normal moods, but mood-flip-flops when the one who's out front goes to the rear and someone else starts having their moods. Sometimes I don't think I can take much more...and then...I do. It just hurts SO much. But it's all 'situational' and 'rational' and therefore, though we COULD medicate it, if we do, then I'll lose all progress I've made. So I choose to suffer, wishing it would end like she says it can someday (she being my doctor). But there's so much she doesn't know, so much that nobody knows and on days like today, I don't feel like I can stand it another second. I'm supposed to be learning to Feel. Well, I'm starting to think that feeling is too horrible and I don't want to do it...No wonder I stopped doing it so long ago. Paula's helping me as much as she can...we actually talked about Matthew and came up with a few ways for her to get more closure on that (Matthew would have been the first baby). She hadn't talked about him to anyone, and it helped us both. Feelings. Hmph. Having emotional feelings come back is like when your foot is asleep and it starts to wake up...first it kinda tingles and you think hey, this might be interesting...then it hurts...and you realize that you're not sure you should have woke it up, but by then the process is starting. I'm cutting more, which means I'm feeling more which means I'm making progress. Christmas is being VERY VERY hard for me because I miss my family and feel very very lonely and cut off from everyone and everything...and it's so deep inside that Dee can't even help reach it to help...most years I didn't really care that much, we went through the motions and had it for the kids. But last year (my first "DID" year) she bought things for all of my parts, and that helped some...this year, it's different, because I've invited Paula and her kid(s) over (Nathanial's due the 17th) and I'm doing it as big as I can considering my budget (dollar stores are lifesavers, aren't they??) in order to give myself my first 'Family' Christmas in years, hoping I'll remember it and not kill myself or cut or anything. I'm looking forward to it, that's a good sign I think. I've already bought oodles of stuff for the babies and Dee's kids too at the dollar stores, and Paula and I are going shopping today so that she can buy things for the people she has to buy for. I doubt that she's told her dad that she's coming here (he doesn't even know where my new place is, lol...I've threatened everyone with death if they tell him, now that she's over 18 so he doesn't HAVE to know.) I'm hoping that it'll be good, but who knows :)
I am feeling a wee bit better now, time to get off here and get out of the house for a while, while I feel capable of driving.

Can anyone see this?

I can't get It's all Psychological to show on my screen..... got it.

Well...

I didn't have anymore panic attacks while Mel was home. He left again just an hour ago and so far I haven't had one. Maybe I am getting use to the idea of him being gone. I feel better today. And I get to talk with my doctor on Thursday. I will tell him about the screaming women and about the attacks. I need to work harder on trying to quit smoking. A part of me can't stand smoking cigars and another part of me just doesn't want to quit. It seems to be more of a hassle then anything. The trying to quit.
I have been sad about Christmas coming and my girls being gone. It gets this way every year.
It has also been raining and flash flooding alot the last two weeks. I am going to clean the house to get my mind off things. And I will try to geek some on my computer. I haven't been able to do that in awhile.

More panic

I had another attack today. I am hearring women screaming again. I am taking my medicine normally. Mel is going to be a day late coming home, I guess that is why I feel so sad. I want to break down in tears but I can't. He calls about three times a day but I just don't feel safe. I have beeen smoking more too. My lungs felt like they used to when I smoked cigarettes. I don't like it at all but I can't seem to get the strength to give it up yet. It seems like an added chore that I don't want to do. Not right now with the panic attacks happening so much lately. I have 45 minutes till I go to work. Anxious to get there and dreading it at the same time. I will probably have to work 6 days next week instead of my four...to cover a girl with some vacation time left. I am not enthused the slightest bit with the thought...but. Life is too hard.