I had no voices most of the day today...

It is so nice to have a day with very little voices and very little paranoia. And I have had two days. Thank God. I had a pretty great day and I hope there are more. I started to take something else for side effects. I had been having harsh throbbing pains in my legs...it was a side effect from the Geodon. Stiff and painful movements. I started taking Niteworks... it helps the circulation and helps the body produce nitric oxide. It helped and I don't hurt anymore. So there are two not-soglum pieces of news today. It has been a wonderful day. Thank You God for this fabulous day.

Today...

It is a beautiful for paranoid thinking triggered by the knowledge that the store I used to work at got robbed. I am having a panic attack and am praying that it goes away soon. It happened down the street from where I work and I can't seem to get ahold on my brain so far. I took my medicine which usually makes me feel secure. I am usually more aware after I hear of a robbery and not so freaked out, but not today. No it couldn't be easy today. I can't breathe or it feels like I can't breathe. I have a huge urge to call inbut I know that I won't. It is calming down...Thank God. The schizophrenia can make me feel things that aren't there so...you can imagine what I feel. I have learned that I can't talk about some of what I hear or see because people get skiddish. I do want to say this I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT REAL, but I still feel it, see it, etc. It is kinda like you were pretty sure you put the mailbox flag up but you didn't. You can even picture it in your mind that you did it...you remember it...but you really didn't. Best way to explain it.

I am retracting something I wrote earlier. When I said it wasn't a illegal drug that made me this way...It is possible that the illegal drug "methamphetamine" that I was addicted to a few years ago caused brain damaging effects. They are studying it. There are so many horrible chemicals used to make the drug that it may have brain damaging effects. I could almost scream out that it is very brain damaging. They put battery acid and muratic (check spelling) acid is one of the main ingredients in that drug. Muratic acid is used to clean pipes, I think. This is just a bunch of garbage cleaning ingredients, put together. It does cause brain damage.
I used to get these huge headaches, I caused my own brain damage. That's like learning to smoke and then getting cancer.

My Grandmother had schizophrenia, too. Probably hereditary. I think my Therapist was right more then she knows. The gene is there but, the drugs could've brought it out. I was so stupid. I know that this is a bummer but I created this site to do exactly this...to wander and to share about phsychological diseases and issues. I feel confused right now. ( Boy, my brain is misfiring today) A lot of false feelings. Take Care.

My Story...Here it is..

After all these years of praying about my kids and the turn out with them; I am getting answers that are flooding me. I have the answers that I looked for years ago. All of a sudden they are rolling in. I was looking for the answers for the last four years. My kids were taken away from their father and for some reason I couldn't pull myself together to get my kids home with me. I said something really wrong that I would never believe and couldn't seem to forgive myself for. But, I also couldn't remember saying it. It was almost like some devine intervention to stop me from being able to get my kids back home with me. And I believe that it was. I was truly depressed and had been diagnosed as Manic Depressive a few years earlier and was receiving no medication for it what-so-ever. The kids were getting depressed too. They wouldn't even go outside and play. It was probably rubbing off on them. There is no telling what I might of been saying to them. I remember playing video games and joking around. I remember something telling me they would take care of my kids as if they were their own. It was the Schizophrenia...because I went right to arguing with this voice about "how" they thought they were going to get my kids. I remember hearing my son telling me that he could hear people talking who weren't there. I remember going off on the voices and telling them they had gone too far. Then things started happening. The Welfare was coming around... they had gotten calls. But it was that I was beating them...it was about head lice, or had I taken my kids to the hospital... all proven I wasn't wrong about the kids, but in the end they didn't want to live with me because of my drug addict boyfriend. I probably my kids. I went for years trying to find out how the kids could be taken away from there father and not given back to me. Oh, things got worse for me anyway. I became so depressed about everything and the kids that I wouldn't get out of bed. I would wait until the last minute to go to the restroom and so on and so forth. I got real bad about doing the drugs and methamphetamines. I even tried cocaine something I thought I would never do. I tried it at age 28. Loved it...knew then it was not going to get better. I had gotten so depressed I didn't care what kind of drug it was; I wanted it..to get rid of the pain.Then my boyfriend left and I had to go live with my mother. I quit drugs and felt so much better. I have been totally clean for 2 1/2 years and am very much in love with being sober. If it hadn't been for my children not wanting to live with me ...I would be in prison or dead. I have schizophrenia and remember things that did not happen and more. I don't remember things that did happen also. I am on medication and I am in therapy. I WANNA LIVE AGAIN... without living in a devastating past. I am headed in that direction....My kids are better then they would've been if I had them the last four years.

Wonders of Science...

The wanders of medicine is fantastic. The fact that life before this medication called Geodon was sooo rough and scary and now seems fun and good is fantastic. I have been on my presribed dosage for about a week now and today I awoke to no fighting in my brain. I use to hear fighting every morning. Like a total b*#ch was going off in my brain. Sometimes more then one voice. Even the Abilify didn't work that good. Abilify got rid of most of the voices except for the morning voices. Now that I take Geodon, no bad side effects and no voices screaming in the morning. What a difference. If you have any trouble like this, such as, Schizophrenia and or Multiple Personalities, please take your medications...it will make a world of difference. It seems hard to believe that science could stop hallucinations and such but it really can.

Relapses

Today and yesterday were "relapse" days. But, I think it is this bad because I am trying to work and live like I always do but I haven't got but just days off to work on myself. For the last 2 days I have been feeling, smelling, hallucinating and panicking and hearing. Not much sleep. When I am being myself I tend to explain my self in my brain. Like anyone cares. I just wish I could feel that way. I could just feel like there was no reason to ever explain myself. I don't want to tell people that I have it, just family. It feels like it is too much for me to handle. It is awful to feel like everyone knows you and knows all about you and then you feel like you have to explain yourself too. I don't break any Laws, I don't bother anyone. But, I have to explain myself. I hate this disease. Even just taking a shower I have to explain why I take a shower the way I do. Even the voices who are usually negative lately are wanting me to take a Valium and be done with it. I don't know if I agrre with myself and that is why the voices agree or if they are having a screwed up day too. That is how it is with me on these days.

Exercise

I don't even think I can spell it. I have never exercised regularly in my life. But I need to. I used to walk everywhere. I took off to work ...I have to walk 1.3 miles to catch the Shuttle here...and I got short winded and tired before I even left my street. (Not far...2 little blocks). I felt like I wash pushing myself too hard...then I thought that was rediculous...I do this all the time. I literally do. I walk to Wal-Mart at least once a week. I decided that maybe it was the thought of walking to work. So, I changed my way of thinking. "I am doing this cause I want to"... I thought. I WALKED THE WHOLE WAY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, nor was I out of breathe. Just think that you want to. I might start the gym with the same thought. But, don't push yourself too hard. Maybe it'll help.
Wanting to live....at least right now. I have been there.... am there , I wanna live, too. I wanna see how beautiful my kids are gonna be. I want to watch them NOT make my mistakes...or be there if they do. I want to tell them everything about what happened to me. I want them to know how much I love them. I want to see Lisa again. I want to tell her how glad I am that she is there for me, cause girl...you help me so much. I believe you can do anything...And watch that heat out there I know that it is dry...so without even realizing it you could have a heat stroke...so I Thank God you ain't out there. Be careful, really.
My disease...I'm the only person I have "heard" call it a disease...I don't like it called a "disorder". I especially like calling my "voices" a disease. It feels like I am getting back at them...All these years. I got the last laugh. All that garbage and I did not do it to myself...never did. Not even drugs did it...there was no drug that ever was the reason for it. Not my choice to do drugs that caused this DISEASE. It is just a disease. My voices say I earned it, because of the drugs. Because of my kids. They are so much better off. I know why. I know why this happened to me. Why my kids can't live with me...why I said that thing I said and then I couldn't remember. I just Thank God all it was was that I said something wrong. You saved my life Lisa. When you sent me that information and I checked everything that I had been doing for years. I knew something was wrong with me. But I heard voices. You just couldn't convince me it was me...it was all of "them". Thank You, I love you.

Hang in there...

I know, easy for me to say...but not really, considering I know how it is to be having to struggle to get meds. I'm fortunate since I'm on SSI and in CA, if you're on SSI you automatically get Medi-Cal, so most of my meds are covered. The only one i have to pay for is my pain medication, because Medi-Cal won't cover the amount that I need of them every month, so that's 60 dollars...and if I couldn't get them, I'd still be able to function. So like I said, I'm fortunate. But the fight to get SSI was something else--it was truly a battle, and they finally had to break me down right in front of a judge for me to qualify. Plus my doctor took very good notes and faxed them all to the judge. I take a whole bunch of meds, if I had to pay for them it would be a couple thousand a month...and many of them are 'body meds'...one for my heart, one for blood pressure, one for diabetes. I feel too young to feel this old. To me, 'old' is over the age of 80 or so...and I feel old at 38. But I'd feel a heck of a lot older if I didn't have my meds...I ran out of my one for blood pressure once and didn't take it too seriously, figuring, ok, I have high blood pressure, but I'm only in my 30s, I can go without the meds for a few days, no big deal. Wrong...my blood pressure was so high it was actually within 'stroke range'...my doctor chewed me out and I deserved it. I take it more seriously now. I don't want to end up paralyzed and unable to do anything. I wish losing weight was easier...I wish I could go for walks...I wish a lot of things. But I haven't given up on myself, I'm working on myself even if it's just a teensy bit every day. I wanna live..at least right now.

Medicines

I have never known medicine to be so expensive. There are some that cost over a $1,000 dollars. Mine happens to cost $283.00 per month. This is outrageous. And get this the company won't " give" them to you unless you are on Medicare...which is an insurance...right...which means you got "some" form of help. I have nothing but a job right now...Thank God for the job and the meds...I guess. So I could get half a perscription filled...that was pure luck...I just happen to work 50 hours every other week. If I didn't know better this might constitute as being "traumatic". You should see what happens if I skip a pill...IT AIN'T PRETTY. I get massed confused and can't hear and people are talking....it is a mess. And the stress of "Oh my GOd, I need to find a way to get this filled in 2 days..." is traumatic. I will inform my doctor by the way. whewwwww that was close. I think that is what the therapy is for. I go next week. Next Tuesday to my first therapy appointment. I pray that I don't forget. PLEASE don't let me forget. I will go for now.

I hate it...

When something is so important and the mate just doesn't understand. I want to go see my son but i am afraid that i don'thave away for Wednesday. It hurts, I have been crying for part of the day now. I hate my circumstances. I always think that I won't know what to say to my kids but, it is always the truth. I have a policy aboput my kids. I tell them the truth or the part of it I am allowed to tell them. My daughters are in DFAC's custody. They are doing better then when I had them at home. I told my son I would spend the rest of my life making things up to him. When they were at home they wouldn't even go outside and play...that just ain't normal for a child. They are more active now. They don't have to worry about their parents. I can only imagine what it could've been like. I did not know that the voices were an actual disease. I was paranoid at the time that my kids could hear all that crap and was fighting it off. I guess they could've seen me do it. I don't remember... I think I just thought it. My therapist said that drugs seem to masked the hearing voices and dillusions(spelled wrong I think)of schizophrenia. I was on drugs then. I have been sober for 2 1/2 years, now. I believe in AA. I choose not to go on back on drugs...my choice. I have too much to deal with without going back on all the problems drugs cause. Illegal Drugs that is. :)

My son is found and alive...

Thank You God again. You never fail me. You have never failed me and I give my life to you. I have never really gone to church but since I was 14 years old I have believed in God. He ALWAYS answers my prayers and never fails. My son is safe and sound and there will be other problems but you will help us through them you always did and always will. Possibly drugs. But I have alot of experience with drugs. It will be ok. Lord is always there and always listening.

On Geodon

This site is for Pyschological issues and I guess one thing that I want tnoted is that the last medication I took was Abilify. I had blurred vision, tongue swelling and involuntary muscle tremors...noticeable to anyone who could see it. I have been off Abilify for about a week now...doctor's order's. But I did go to my appointment yesterday afternoon. I am now using Geodon for symptons of my schizophrenia. I watched some patient testimonies and out of all three...2 of them have a speech impairmant and one even has trouble with his left side I think. I already have a speech problem that came with the Abilify. It probably won't go away. I will probably have more physical problems as I go along...it is just something else that I have to decide and deal with ...with the schizophrenia and it's medicines. Another drop in the bucket. But my head is getting help.

God's Answer...

Right after I shut the computer down and was staring at it...I got up to get my pocket book...the phone rang. Mel said he was leaving early from work and would come and take me to work, an extra two hours to play or to cry. Thank God. He answers in his own way. But, I was wandering if I could face the task of JUST getting to work ..much less working. It seems to keep me from crumbling. Before this happened I would have dropped my jaw at someone going to work with their son missing. But it really seems to be survival to me. If I don't work, I don't think I can make...but the thought of getting myself there is another problem...I dread it. I wanna get there though. I guess you would never know unless you went through it. I have laid in my bed with such emotional trauma that I rolled and cried in the bed with anguish about my kids. And maybe this time it is a survival technique...my mind is finding another way to deal with it. I really don't think I could do it again. I am constantly searching myself and doing an "inventory" on myself. The AA thing I do always...for me to acknowledge everything I can and realize why I do stupid things and other things.
Hi I'm Jen, I'm an alcoholic and a drug user. Over 2 years sober. And that is the part I love about me. The only part. I would like to have a Xanax right now. But the effect isn't real and would cause me REAl problems with my sobriety. Xanax was my love. If you had 'em...I bought 'em. Even at 5.00 a pill. But I have been sober for
2 and 1/2 years and part of me thought that after living with a fact like- I couldn't face a day sober. If I didn't have pot, I had Crank, if no crank then ...Always looking for Xanax though. The doctor said " I see here that you have had a problem with drugs." Anyway, I get no Klonopin or Xanax...nothing like that. And I have always hated pain killers..prescribed ones...they make me vomit.

My life...

It has always seemed so hard. My son is missing..I will never survive if something happenend to him. I could never make it. Which doesn't seem so bad to me right. I think that when I die there'll be a huge smile on my face. A smile of relief. I could not make without my son here on this earth. I don't know what to do. I found a National Runaway Hotline though. I might call it. Sara and Lamar, the people taking care of Cory is not wanting to purt an APB out on him because then the Police have juristriction over him, as well as, the State of Georgia. Cory would go to YDC. What an ordeal to go through after running away. So I will be lucky if DFAC's doesn't get involved with Cory again. But I want him found and don't want him hurt or worse...so I want to put the APB out on him. And if he goes to YDC then at least he would not be running away again. Nor would he be endangering his life. But I also am on Sara and Lamar's side. I am definately conflicted. Oh yeah, before anything is said, let me explain this. The Police were called the day Cory did not get off the bus. And they have his ID and everything...but an APB can not be put out unless Sara and Lamar go to see a Juvenile Court Judge. He can issue one.
Right now i have to leave and walk 1.3 miles to Wal-Mart to catch a trolley that takes one hour to get me to work. All the time I will be fretting about Cory. I did it yesterday and I will do it today. I can stay busy at work.

Geodon

My new medicine is called Geodon. My son is still missing and life is not so good. But my Faith in God is still alive and I hope that I will never let that go. No matter what happens. I am so worried i don't know how I have made it so far. Going to the doctor today is just a faint blur. Like I am robotic... Thank God. This blog is truly helping me. I can let go af anger and worry at the touch of a button. And I can lay my head on this shoulder and it never gets tired of my problems. I left home when I was 15 and my son is 16..he is not pregnant which is a bonus. But I went through alot. And he already has too. That gives me a little hope. Maybe he won't be raped, beaten or killed. Please God watch over my son. Please. I know you won't let me down...you have never ever let me down...

My son ran away...

My son ran away yesterday from school, he is 16 years old and knows alot of people. I wasn't positively sure that he had run away until last night. I am so completely anxious and hurting, and have been praying. Soon I will get my answers. I will keep my Faith that God will watch over my son. He is still missing. But there is definate proof that he has run away. I pray that he will find hes way home, where he can be safe. He is a tough boy, and like most teemagers believes that he can "whoop" anything. He is very tough though. I know God is watching for him. and suddenly I have been alot calmer lately. These past few hours. My son is blonde and is strong about 5ft 7inches. He wears baggy clothes which are in style today...the "hood" look. He is still in his home state. But I won't say where until I have to. There are people who prey on boys like my son. Real Sicko's. I should go. Handling this has been hard and I suddenly feel uncomfortable at the computer. On edge, like there should be something I can do. I don't know the people he hangs with. But others do. He did not live with me. He lived with his Aunt and Uncle. They love him very much. God will watch over him, I know he will. I felt a sudden sadness about the time he left his school and ran away. And there are plenty of times, several a day, that I feel a sudden panic, something that he is seeing or doing. I don't think he was into drugs or alcohol...maybe alcohol.... I almost hope he makes a mistake that the Police will be there for. My prayers to you...Cory, Lea and Tina.

My new episode...

I had a new episode today... yippee. (sarcasm totally) Today after being told to stop taking the meds, and then I decided to just take half and come off easy...I had awaken to a more swollen tongue and a few hours later my left side began to shake. From my neck down. I almost thought it was a seizure. The Benedryl is not working for the swollen tongue. It may not be an allergy. We will see. and then an hour or so later I had another left side spasm. It is Uncontrollable but suddenly in about 2 minutes it stopped. So I get to talk to my doctor a nice loooong conversation. I am going to research more.....

I'm Paranoid

I was told to stop the meds..Mel says he wishes I wouldn't. He says I am better with them and almost like I was before. I took a half pill yesterday and today. I feel better. But I bought 2 of Dido's songs and feel a little better...she modes me. Into a "get it done" attitude. Off track right then....I am paranoid, I guess, I woke up with my tongue real bad this morning and it was past time for medications. I don't think that this is an allergic reaction anymore. Half a pill and over 24 hours and it got worse. But the medication is still in my blood stream. I hope I am allergic or that it is definately from the medication. I am worried that it might be brain "motor" problems. For 9 years I never said a word about the voices but this last 2 or 3 years it got real bad. Especially the last year...Oh God. My memory... within seconds I couldn't understand what people where saying in front of me. I shake when I think about it. And cry.Out burst happen daily, I wanna go to the hospital. But I see my doctor Tuesday. Stoppped shaking then. Something is wrong with me. I think that if I read anything about "side affects" I will start getting them. I gotta go and be ready for work. 2 more nights.

Meds...and frustration.

I know exactly how it feels to be frustrated by 'testing' meds to find the right one or right combination. I've been on several since my depression was diagnosed back in 1995. The first was Zoloft and it was a 'miracle pill' to me at first. I remember the day it 'kicked in'. I was in KMart in Merced before they closed it down, and was just wandering around aimlessly killing time before my group appointment (back when I was going to county Mental Health). Then all of a sudden (and it really was that sudden for me) I looked around and noticed that everything had colors and textures and people were doing things and everything just suddenly became interesting and I could hardly make myself leave K-Mart, until I realized it wasn't just there, it was everywhere. After that things were better as far as the depression, though the other stuff wasn't even touched. But I think, looking back, that the beginning of Zoloft was the last step of the end of whatever was left of my marriage because out of all the possible side effects that it can cause, I only had one....the inability to...well I can't think of the way to word it that I'd be comfortable with, let's just say my libido was completely and utterly gone (they shoulda put me on that at 13 LOL). I took Zoloft until 1999 when we filed for bankruptcy and I had to include Mental Health in the bankruptcy, I owed them about 700 which to us back then was a lot of money. Soooooo then I was without meds until I ended up in the Safehouse, when they put me back on Zoloft because they thought they were dealing with depression (actually it was the DID they were dealing with but it still helped a little bit) then when I got on my own and had to go through CalWorks for welfare, and had to deal with people, I got switched to Paxil because the Zoloft wasn't helping anymore. Paxil was a REAL miracle for me, it made it possible, for a short time at least, for me to deal with people almost in a normal social way. But it didn't last, we raised it as high as it could go and the pressures were just more than I could deal with. Recently I tried a switch to Wellbutrin because it didn't have that one side effect that I mentioned earlier, and Paxil does....and on Wellbutrin for depression and BuSpar for anxiety I got very very sick and couldn't even walk straight. So we switched the BuSpar for Klonopin and then I wasn't sick, but Wellbutrin didn't help my depression at ALL....so after about 6 months of having a sex drive but being too depressed to care, I'm back to Paxil now, and though it doesn't make it where I can function socially and of course it doesn't help the DID, at least I'm not crying all the time for no reason as much anymore, I feel more stable, and it feels like the right choice. That's my story...condensed, of course. Sometimes it's so frustrating that you feel like giving up....hang in there.

Feelings...

Well, I knew I would have to test medicines before I found the right one. And now it looks like that is gonna happen. I don't really want to have to take several medicines to deal with my schizophrenia. I only want one miracle pill. My tongue kind of had a mind of it's own...muscle spasms and swelling. Like it wanted to arch back. So I was order off the Abilify and on to Benedryl in case of an allergic reaction. One day off the medicine and I can tell the difference. Maybe the next menicine will be the one. this trial thing is not my bag. And the Abilify had the least amount of side effects. I am frustrated, worried and I don't know if I wanna cry or scream. I know what is gonna. I will be on a med that stops the schizophrenia but I will need to take several drugs to counter act the side affects of the medication. I am almost 33 years old and I am already gonna have a "bag" of several meds to go with me where ever I go. What a life. Ain't it grand. Just to live Bull*#it free. I'm mad and venting. Even though these medications are great and scientific breakthroughs...they still are very dangerous. I think that any drug that alters your way of thinking or changes levels of brain chemicals could easily work the other way. A change in patterns... or shall I say chemical changes...to the wrong levels could make you very worse...probably could cause seizures easily. BUT I AM NOT A DOCTOR. So do not abuse your meds. These drugs for psychological "difficulties" are for psychotic tendacies. Something bad could really happen. Take them but be aware of your body and the differences and tell your doctor. I did abuse the drug one time. I took a half a pill more of Abilify before and my voices got meaner and louder and I couldn't bare much. I almost screamed. It literally reminded me that I have psychotic features. I am getting sleepy now Thank God. This day almost over. Ya'll be good. Love

Off the Medicine...

I called my Therapist and told her about the "tongue thing". She talked to the nurse and the nurse said to stop taking the meds. Since I didn't take one today....okkkkkk. I will have to tell him though. I will call right now...lunch. I will not tell his name for his "safety" since this is on the net. He is good though ...I feel. I think he has complete faith in his workand in science..which is very important to me. No Abilify till I see the doctor. Next Tuesday for me. Love

What is akathisia ...

From the article Aunt Linda put on the blog. I don't see anything about seizures or tongue problems. I know that the medicine is doing it, it is the only thing different in my life. But the article list akathisia. And I have looked on the web and still can't find a definition to it. It started about a week ago, my tongue doesn't want to cooperate. Really weird and uncomfortable. Lisa where is your blog or are you on right now?

I'm a little 'off' today.

I had to have the ultimate icky female exam test today...the dreaded PAP. I was a few years past due, but it's one of those things you hope your doctor won't remember, LOL. But I'd been bleeding nearly two complete months and we figured it was time. I think I might be headed toward a hysterectomy down the road a ways...can't really say I'd mind much. The danged thing causes me so much pain now. She also tested me for a couple other things that I reeeeeeeeally hope come up negative....she says since nothing's showing up on the scans they've done, that the pain I'm having could be a combination of my fibroids, an infection, and scarring from the Pelvic Inflammatory Disease bout that I had when I was 14. She says that they now say that PID is caused by gonorrhea or Chlamydia...so that even though I was treated and it went away, I could have some scarring or damage from it. I was like noooooooooooo, those are just too icky. So I'll find out when the results come back. I'm getting frustrated. And even though this stuff doesn't seem like it belongs on a psychological blog, trust me, it's having an effect on my moods and emotions today. I'm tired of being in pain. And when I stop and add it all up, I've been on this stuff for a very long time. Luckily I don't seem to be building a tolerance for it, I don't require more and more. But I'd like to be off of it, it makes me very queasy all the time. Anyway, just needed to write it all out. It was kinda funny in a sad way, when she asked if I'd ever had either of those diseases I was like NO! And then I mentioned that I'd had PID, she was like 'well then, you probably did have one of them...so I thought about it for a while and said well, my 'boyfriend' at that time had been a 39 year old ex-convict IV drug user. So anything was possible. Jeeeze the stupid things we do when we're young. But on the other hand, I was also trying to survive. So it wasn't as stupid as it sounds looking back. Anyway............ But at least I'm HIV negative.

It's More Common...

It seems to be more common now, like a bout of tonsils that need taken out. So I wonder what they will be able to do with it in the future. Right now, I am having some trouble talking sometimes... like my tongue don't wanna work. Melvin says the change in me is definately better...but I am worried about the tongue "swelling". I go to the Doctor next week and I will list out the problems. and that the "raped" pain...seems to have went down in amount of times during a week but seems to last longer. I don't know if I am worse or better. Over-all I feel better about myself and inside but some things make me feel real sick.
At least I am not screaming at nobody anymore. Meds....Great for the most part. :)
I am just now able to send Tina her birthday present. I have also notified my lawyer and asked his advice on the lawsuit. This will tell me if he has the heart to do it.
Thanks Aunt Linda for the Article...It is a shame that this is so common now...but they have a lot of "better" medicines. Two kinds of medicines for "psychotic features". Anti-psychotic and psychotic. There is a difference. Love.

Schizophrenia linked to Flu

Health - Reuters

Study: Flu in Pregnancy Linked to Schizophrenia
Mon Aug 2, 4:38 PM ET
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CHICAGO (Reuters) - A bout of the flu during the first half of pregnancy may damage the fetal brain and raises the risk of children developing schizophrenia later in life, researchers said on Monday.
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In a small 64-family sample, researchers found the risk of developing the major mental disorder in adult offspring rose seven-fold if the expectant mother had the flu during the first trimester.
If the virus struck between the midpoint of the pregnancy's first trimester and the midpoint of the second, the risk rose three-fold. There was no increased risk if the flu occurred in the second half of the pregnancy.
"These findings represent the strongest evidence thus far that prenatal exposure to influenza plays a role in schizophrenia," said the study's lead author, Ezra Susser of the New York State Psychiatric Institute.
In previous studies establishing a connection between flu in pregnant mothers and schizophrenia in their children, the link was seen in the second and third trimesters, the study said.
Unlike those studies, which used estimates of the peaks of flu outbreaks and mothers' memories, this research examined preserved blood samples taken between 1959 and 1966. The research is part of a larger study of schizophrenia examining prenatal infection, nutrition, chemical exposure, paternal age and other factors.
Among the people in the study with schizophrenia, one quarter of their mothers had been exposed to influenza compared to one in 10 of the control subjects.
Schizophrenia is a general term referring to psychotic disorders that produce delusional or illogical thinking. Initial signs of the disease typically emerge in people in their teens or 20s.
The study suggested factors that could damage the fetal brain including the mother's antibodies crossing the placenta and reacting with the fetus' developing immune system, the presence of genetic material from the strain of influenza, and the mother's elevated body temperature.
Over-the-counter flu remedies also might cause central nervous system problems, it said.
The study's findings may raise questions about routine vaccinations of women because the antibodies generated could damage a fetus.
The study was published in the Archives of General Psychiatry

Reading about Schizophrenia...

Reading about this I have come to the realization that the sound "dimensia" I have is from the receptor's in my brain not recieving the information correctly. When I here sounds... on going sounds (like a motor running, or a constant sound like wind blowing from a rolled down window... constantly, my brain hear's the sound but "recieves" it distorted. Such as... you would understand it as...if I said the word "sixty" and you absolutely thought or heard it as "sexty" then it wasn't heard correctly. With me , I hear the central air kick on and it sounds like my voices get louder and twisted. A car passes by while I walk to work or ride the shuttle and it is awful ...at the moment when the car passes by it sounds like somebody is screaming the dumbest things to me. I have been so out of it...I haven't joked around but one day this week. I worked 70 hours so I guess that is the main reason. That will be one great check. I am turning this thing off for awhile.....Love