Today and yesterday were "relapse" days. But, I think it is this bad because I am trying to work and live like I always do but I haven't got but just days off to work on myself. For the last 2 days I have been feeling, smelling, hallucinating and panicking and hearing. Not much sleep. When I am being myself I tend to explain my self in my brain. Like anyone cares. I just wish I could feel that way. I could just feel like there was no reason to ever explain myself. I don't want to tell people that I have it, just family. It feels like it is too much for me to handle. It is awful to feel like everyone knows you and knows all about you and then you feel like you have to explain yourself too. I don't break any Laws, I don't bother anyone. But, I have to explain myself. I hate this disease. Even just taking a shower I have to explain why I take a shower the way I do. Even the voices who are usually negative lately are wanting me to take a Valium and be done with it. I don't know if I agrre with myself and that is why the voices agree or if they are having a screwed up day too. That is how it is with me on these days.
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