Right after I shut the computer down and was staring at it...I got up to get my pocket book...the phone rang. Mel said he was leaving early from work and would come and take me to work, an extra two hours to play or to cry. Thank God. He answers in his own way. But, I was wandering if I could face the task of JUST getting to work ..much less working. It seems to keep me from crumbling. Before this happened I would have dropped my jaw at someone going to work with their son missing. But it really seems to be survival to me. If I don't work, I don't think I can make...but the thought of getting myself there is another problem...I dread it. I wanna get there though. I guess you would never know unless you went through it. I have laid in my bed with such emotional trauma that I rolled and cried in the bed with anguish about my kids. And maybe this time it is a survival technique...my mind is finding another way to deal with it. I really don't think I could do it again. I am constantly searching myself and doing an "inventory" on myself. The AA thing I do always...for me to acknowledge everything I can and realize why I do stupid things and other things.
Hi I'm Jen, I'm an alcoholic and a drug user. Over 2 years sober. And that is the part I love about me. The only part. I would like to have a Xanax right now. But the effect isn't real and would cause me REAl problems with my sobriety. Xanax was my love. If you had 'em...I bought 'em. Even at 5.00 a pill. But I have been sober for
2 and 1/2 years and part of me thought that after living with a fact like- I couldn't face a day sober. If I didn't have pot, I had Crank, if no crank then ...Always looking for Xanax though. The doctor said " I see here that you have had a problem with drugs." Anyway, I get no Klonopin or Xanax...nothing like that. And I have always hated pain killers..prescribed ones...they make me vomit.
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