My Story...Here it is..

After all these years of praying about my kids and the turn out with them; I am getting answers that are flooding me. I have the answers that I looked for years ago. All of a sudden they are rolling in. I was looking for the answers for the last four years. My kids were taken away from their father and for some reason I couldn't pull myself together to get my kids home with me. I said something really wrong that I would never believe and couldn't seem to forgive myself for. But, I also couldn't remember saying it. It was almost like some devine intervention to stop me from being able to get my kids back home with me. And I believe that it was. I was truly depressed and had been diagnosed as Manic Depressive a few years earlier and was receiving no medication for it what-so-ever. The kids were getting depressed too. They wouldn't even go outside and play. It was probably rubbing off on them. There is no telling what I might of been saying to them. I remember playing video games and joking around. I remember something telling me they would take care of my kids as if they were their own. It was the Schizophrenia...because I went right to arguing with this voice about "how" they thought they were going to get my kids. I remember hearing my son telling me that he could hear people talking who weren't there. I remember going off on the voices and telling them they had gone too far. Then things started happening. The Welfare was coming around... they had gotten calls. But it was that I was beating them...it was about head lice, or had I taken my kids to the hospital... all proven I wasn't wrong about the kids, but in the end they didn't want to live with me because of my drug addict boyfriend. I probably my kids. I went for years trying to find out how the kids could be taken away from there father and not given back to me. Oh, things got worse for me anyway. I became so depressed about everything and the kids that I wouldn't get out of bed. I would wait until the last minute to go to the restroom and so on and so forth. I got real bad about doing the drugs and methamphetamines. I even tried cocaine something I thought I would never do. I tried it at age 28. Loved it...knew then it was not going to get better. I had gotten so depressed I didn't care what kind of drug it was; I wanted it..to get rid of the pain.Then my boyfriend left and I had to go live with my mother. I quit drugs and felt so much better. I have been totally clean for 2 1/2 years and am very much in love with being sober. If it hadn't been for my children not wanting to live with me ...I would be in prison or dead. I have schizophrenia and remember things that did not happen and more. I don't remember things that did happen also. I am on medication and I am in therapy. I WANNA LIVE AGAIN... without living in a devastating past. I am headed in that direction....My kids are better then they would've been if I had them the last four years.