Exercise

I don't even think I can spell it. I have never exercised regularly in my life. But I need to. I used to walk everywhere. I took off to work ...I have to walk 1.3 miles to catch the Shuttle here...and I got short winded and tired before I even left my street. (Not far...2 little blocks). I felt like I wash pushing myself too hard...then I thought that was rediculous...I do this all the time. I literally do. I walk to Wal-Mart at least once a week. I decided that maybe it was the thought of walking to work. So, I changed my way of thinking. "I am doing this cause I want to"... I thought. I WALKED THE WHOLE WAY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, nor was I out of breathe. Just think that you want to. I might start the gym with the same thought. But, don't push yourself too hard. Maybe it'll help.
Wanting to live....at least right now. I have been there.... am there , I wanna live, too. I wanna see how beautiful my kids are gonna be. I want to watch them NOT make my mistakes...or be there if they do. I want to tell them everything about what happened to me. I want them to know how much I love them. I want to see Lisa again. I want to tell her how glad I am that she is there for me, cause girl...you help me so much. I believe you can do anything...And watch that heat out there I know that it is dry...so without even realizing it you could have a heat stroke...so I Thank God you ain't out there. Be careful, really.
My disease...I'm the only person I have "heard" call it a disease...I don't like it called a "disorder". I especially like calling my "voices" a disease. It feels like I am getting back at them...All these years. I got the last laugh. All that garbage and I did not do it to myself...never did. Not even drugs did it...there was no drug that ever was the reason for it. Not my choice to do drugs that caused this DISEASE. It is just a disease. My voices say I earned it, because of the drugs. Because of my kids. They are so much better off. I know why. I know why this happened to me. Why my kids can't live with me...why I said that thing I said and then I couldn't remember. I just Thank God all it was was that I said something wrong. You saved my life Lisa. When you sent me that information and I checked everything that I had been doing for years. I knew something was wrong with me. But I heard voices. You just couldn't convince me it was me...it was all of "them". Thank You, I love you.