A psychology teacher...

A few months ago, a psychology teacher, who came to my store, asked me a question. I have never really stopped thinking about it since. She asked "How do you not know that it isn't real?" I kinda realized right then and there that most people probably think that way about Schizophrenia and other Mental Illnesses. My first reaction was to ask her how could she not hear it...? But I said "You know, if it sounded like a ghost haunting, or just jibberish then I probably would know that it isn't real. But it sounds just like people I know and have known most of my life. And they talk about things that only that person would know about." I don't think she could understand at all. I hear my mother alot lately, I also hear my brother and my father....I don't hear my sister much because I guessed that she was always busy. I hear my Aunt Lisa, sometimess I hear my Aunt Linda. Each person talks about things that only they might know about ...about me anyway. The voices (as people would call them...I call them people or family) checks in on me sometimes or just has a light conversation with me and then goes back to their world. ...But I have come to the conclusion that maybe...maybe...it is just my brain assuming what that particular person would say or do about something. I miss my family a great deal and I need them but money keeps me from making those trips and work also. I can't even get to Georgia much anymore. Maybe I just miss and need them so much I hear them everyday.

Sometimes, the voices are like a warm comforter around me and I don't feel scared too much...they baby me when I'm sick...they tell me what to do in order to solve a problem...they scream for me when I fell scared for the moment. And my mind thinks everyone can hear it they just refuse to say they can because they would be called crazy. It is a delusion that has never gone away. Not even with the medicine. I don't feel that the "people" can SEE me much anymore but they can hear me if I will them to.

Other times, they are people I don't know very well and they are mean and nasty! They start telling me that someone in my family will have a wreck and get hurt or die. Stevie drives a tractor trailor so I worry about it to a breaking point, as well as, my step father and everybody who drives. I get paranoid about it and it last for hours. I am like a desperate person trying to save the whole world when these voices start up. It is like knowing that something awful is going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. You're kinda just sitting there waiting and watching to see if everything is going to be alright. Did I say the right words to stop this from happening?... will it work? In my Paranoid Schizophrenic world it is called "The Magic". "The Magic" can make anything possible if you use it right. If you use it wrong it will turn into a chaotic, terrible event. It's real hard to explain.

But most of the time now I don't hear many voices...I am too busy. I am able to look for the answers to the problems myself without the voices interfereing. Things are quiet nowadays. Even at work.


So to answer the question with my honest reaction....

How do you not know that it isn't real?

I can't help it but how can you not hear it. How do you not get messages through the television or radio? How come I do? It gets so loud sometimes that I can't hear real people speaking. I am learning loads more about my disease and I am learning that it is not real...the things I have heard for 19 years...the things I have seen or hallucinated... but then I have even seen my husband talk with his mind so many times...how can it not be real?

Pretty nice

I don't hear voices much anymore..a little delusional when I am not busy. But I feel as though I can think for myself and I don't hear the voices when I am just trying to think. Things are a lot better lately. So I think I am "mind settling" into my new position at work as Assistant Manager. Even after quitting the drugs, I don't think that I have ever been more proud of myself. I have started thinking of more goals for myself since I have achieved most of the goals I set for myself with my Therapist. I haven't come up with any since I DON'T want to be a Manager of one of these stores. I will have to think more on the goals... I am just getting to where I have hardly any voices....

I also have been trying a new thing for me...I am trying to train my brain into "learning" not to tlak to my voices and ignore it...the voices don't stay around much if I am totaling ignoring them. I am trying to relearn how to be normal. I can't say that zI would be able to come off the medicines...I need them to function..but with the help of meds I can live normally. Before this I was just taking them to calm down many of the symptoms like paranoia, feeling terrorized by voices, and fear that I felt just by living day by day. Since the brain is constantly learning I feel I may be able to "train" it into being normal...almost. I don't know how to describe it well...but I will be able to describe it after I am done.

What it's like to 'switch out'.

I've just started "therapy" (which I say with a tad of sarcasm since it's not ever enough to do any good, but anything's better than nothing, I know) with my newest doctor, who is being supervised by a doctor who has worked with 25 DID cases so far (my thought...'whatdya want, a medal?') and figured I'd try to describe how it feels to have DID. There are two different feelings. No, there are bunches. But I'll describe the two main things.

One is when I switch into someone who I don't share thoughts/consciousness with. Then, it's like absolutely nothing...like I've been asleep and I suddenly wake up in the middle of something, functioning perfectly well, at least to all appearances, but I have absolutely NO memory of the time that passed. That one is the rarest for me, since I share consciousness with several of my parts.

When I share consciousness with someone inside, and the switch happens, it can happen a couple of different ways. The easiest/gentlest way (and least common LOL) is for me to be in the middle of talking to someone for example, and suddenly I'm feeling an absolutely irresistable urge to say something that is NOT what I want to say, and it's an urge that cannot be ignored, and once I give in to it, for a few minutes maybe it'll be me and that urge, then I'm still kinda there, but it's like I'm standing behind myself, I can see what happens but I cannot control my body or my words. Sometimes there's tunnel vision, where all I can see is a small area in front of me, and I can hear the words being spoken like when you make a toy telephone out of tin cans and string.

Then there's the abrupt switch, which sometimes even happens in mid conversation with someone. Or worse still, what I personally call the "cluster switch", where everyone suddenly talks at once. Example...roomie asks..."What do you want for dinner tonight?" Me: "McDonald's-Wendy's-KFC-I'll cook something-Subway". Then I end up just looking at her and saying "Should we take a vote?" When those happen, there aren't any physical feelings really, just frustration that all the words can't come out at once.

The situational switch. I can be mild and calm, and if someone says or does something that I think is unfair to us in some way, suddenly I'm a raving lunatic (and keep in mind, I still absolutely do NOT NOT NOT swear. so this is the only way that my roomie can tell that Celeste has emerged) Most of me will quietly just take any abuse from anyone but Celeste will gleefully tell you to F*** yourself, and exactly where you should do it, and with what. She's ballsy. Makes me jealous. Except that a couple of times she's threatened to or attempted to physically attack someone....VERY uncool. (Though she wants me to add, they had it coming to them)

One thing in common to all the switching is the headache afterward, one that they haven't come up with a cure for yet. Right now my doctor is letting me try Midrin for it, with mixed results so far. Even Vicodin doesn't fix these headaches. They're right on top of the head, right in the middle...and so painful that I can't even describe it.

I think the main difference in my opinion between having DID and 'hearing voices' is that with DID, the voices don't come from outside of my head, they come from my mouth to the outside world. Each of 'me' has her own likes and dislikes, and lots of times they clash. Sometimes, like with Celeste's comment earlier, we hear each other's thoughts inside, or see them in what's called the 'Hall of Records' where we can exchange information (very necessary in order for us to have survived life without being detected for so long, and function in school, etc.).

Anyway, I can't really find words right now to describe more than that.

What it is like to "schiz out"...

Well, it all started with nightmares as my last post reads. But I am really schizzin' out. I hear strange sounds and words that echo in my head...and the voices are trying to convince me that it all has a special meaning. Such as...I was outside smokin' at work and I heard a loud telephone ring...the voices told me that I am going to get some very bad news and that is what the sound meant. The phone kept ringing and I was supposed to (as told to me by my voices) act like I was answering it and then call my family for real. I then became afraid to call them...afraid I would get some kind of bad news that I just can't handle now. So I didn't call anyone that day...family or anyone else.

I have been freaking out before work every morning and dread going to work...this is highly NOT normal. I dread being there and feel full of despair that I have to be there. At some points during work I feel suddenly that for some unknown reason I can't be there any longer...like I must leave right then and there. I am, of course, fighting all these feelings and am staying at work. But it seems like , to me, that i don't get anything done because I am always freakin out. So far, the customers only say something to me to get me to smile...which is very sweet, I love my customers for it. But I also get very upset inside when another customer walks into the store. I mean, I get mad...like...the nerve of this person coming in while I was trying to bag ice,...the nerve that they walk into this store! I hate them! That is what I am screaming inside while I am smiling and saying "Have a great day!" This is what I call schizzin out. I feel like the customers were just coming in to bother or keep me from doing something that I need to get done. Like it is a conspiracy! They are just doing it because they want me to have a bad day.

In truth, that is what the paranoid schizophrenia is causing me to think right now. But I take Geodon and its main effect is to help me to know what is just in my mind and what is really truly happening. So at the same time that I feel all this rage inside of me because of this conspiracy, I also SEE that the customers are there because we need them and they need something from the store...they don't really even know the things that I am trying to get done and they would even try to help me when they could..like lifting a 5 gallon bucket of ice into the Coke fountain. They are just being customers and I can see that but it doesn't stop the feelings of utter rage that I feel. OF COURSE...I DO NOT SHOW ANY OF THESE FEELINGS. I have to hide them and that has me realy stressed out. I really want to scream inside of me to everyone "Please straighten me out and straighten my poor racked mind out." I just want to tell God "PLEASE HELP ME!"

It just feels like I CAN'T keep working like this. But I can't quit work. I have to keep doing it always. I have been working 21 days in a row with only one day off. This is too much. Maybe I can't handle Assistant Manager but I WILL NOT go back to being just a cashier.

Nightmares, loud voices and frustration.

The nightmares began about 6 days ago. I have had a nightmare each night since then. They have all been different. In the day time I have loud voices like they are forcing me to listen to them. Sometimes I can't hear my customers at work because of them. They talk about the things they did to me like before I began medication. Taunting me to react to them. Such as:

"Remember what we did to you back then?"--"You are the opposite of us." " You take the pain of the world."

They tell me I am the Angel and that it won't rain because I am happy. But I am not that happy right now. I am frustrated. I can't sleep with these nightmares every night and the voices are so loud that I can't concentrate on my work. I can't hear my customers. I feel like my brain is just full of stuff all the time that I stay so confused.

I asked my Therapist yesterday to make me an appointment with the nurse. She will listen to what I say and then tell the doctor and then he figures out what to do about it. Like write a new prescription or something. I am kinda surprised that the voices aren't so loud this morning. I can write. I have sat down in front of this computer three times to write all this stuff down and then I couldn't because I get lost with the voices. I gotta go now.

A new voice...

He finishes the songs that I sing in my mind. Where I just think of the songs and sing a part of them..he finishes what I don't finish. He seems to be real nice but a NEW voice bothers me. The science of it means I am under stress and that is where the new voice comes from. Which I was under some stress thinking I had to prove I was worth the new promotion....THAT is part of my paranoid schizophrenia. I was paranoid that I would lose my job if I didn't prove I was worth the position. When in real life I had already proven myself worthy of the new position as Assistant MAnager before I got the job...that is why I did get the promotion. I had already proven myself...so I am a little backwards in my thinking. Alot of paperwork with this job. I mean alot.

Then I got paranoid that my boss was thinking I was stealing from the store...money and merchandise...because we were coming up short. But she had to fire one guy because it was him that was short all the time. I was paranoid for no reason. Just new job stress.

MOre stuff...

I thought I was doing real good through this crisis that I am having with my son. I made it through the actual ordeal without any symptoms except for talking to myself. But today I woke up feeling very paranoid and scared. I am scared for what will happen next time. I am also afraid that my son will try to hurt me. I keep hearing sounds like someoone is in the house and sneaking around. I not only hear the movements ..I feel like someone is there ready to pounce on me. I am afraid of my son today. I keep hearing stories of parents that were killed by their kids. What if Cory gets that way. I don't know if I can handle this today. I took my medication and it should help with the paranoia and the scaredness. It should also help with the sounds I am hearing. I feel like a sitting duck. And now I am drinking a whole bunch of coffee..that'll help!!! Sarcasm, again.

The voices and major moodiness

The voices were yelling at me yesterday...fighting over whether I was paying attention to them or not. They just wouldn't shut up. I tried hard to ignore it but I ended up losing the battle. They were so loud I couldn't ignore them. One of the voices...David...just like my ex boyfriend kept trying to ruin my life and said that he was the one making me miserable. He kept saying "You feel miserable today." ANd trying to hand me his father's heart attack so that his father wouldn't have one. His father is like 85 or something and has had 2 bypasses. David is a very evil minded voice. My heart felt like it was hurting most of the night. The bad part of schizophrenia is that sometimes you actually feel the pain of what the voices say they are doing to you. It keeps me paranoid. Anyway, I spent most of the night hurting in my chest. And today it started out the same way but it has since stopped. I guess I got my medicine in. You would think that since I take three 80 mg pills a day that it would stay in my system good...but that could be my paranoia also.

I wish thay would find me a replacement soon for the store I work in now. So that I could go to the new store. I am going to miss Marty but Shannon seems real cool. I am anxious to start Assistant Managing!! I think I will love it. To finally get somewhere in this company. The anticipation of the new position is probably what is making the voices become a problem again. I wish I could laugh for awhile. I just feel so flat mooded lately (the medication causes this). I don't seem to laugh or have any fun at all....I am not even smiling lately. Nothing seems to interest me except this promotion from work. I wander what to do. Any advice from anybody could help????

Paxil CR 37.5 mg

I took my first of the new increased dosage of Paxil. One pill and I can feel the difference. Some people say that the drug Paxil has to get into your system for about a week before it begins working...but I can tell the difference now. The tears aren't coming to my eyes every few minutes. I guess I will really notice the change in about a week though. My voices haven't told me to "DIE" lately. But I also bet that the Lorecet has something to do with that too. I am feeling a little better...noticeable difference.

I set some goals for me a while back. Goals for my future and for my health. I am pretty close to the denture part of the goals. My teeth are bad. They are broken and full of big cavaties. I have had 3 teeth removed and with have 3 more removed soon. Then there aren't too many left until January when the Dental Insurance kicks in for the denture coverage. Then I will have a set of top side dentures. That is one goal that is being realized slowly but surely. I don't want it all done at once. Another goal was to become an Assistant Manager of one of the convenience stores I under. I am like two weeks away from that goal....Thank God!!! Now I will feel I am actually getting somewhere in this career that has CHOSEN me ...I am finally going to be a little somebody. Then after that...about two years or so...maybe I will be able to manage a store of my own. MAYBE... It might be too much though. After all I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic. Like it is barely a handicap.

I just had to start living with the schiz and not living the schiz! I wish some of those other schizophrenics were able to live like I do. I actually feel as though I am normal with these little problems that occur in my brain. They do occur everyday but it is a lot less than what it was without the medicine. Without the medicine I was getting worse by the day and I was literally psychotic for a long time. Thank God I am non-violent.

I feel like maybe I could handle a manager's position but then there is an amount of stress that goes with the job.

Anyway, I also feel as though I HAVE A LIFE!!! Not like I live in this world where people order each other's sicknesses out of evil-mindedness. Or that some system is contrlling my every move. It even knows what I will have to do at a certain time....or at least I used to think it did. Now I have none of those delusions. None of the big delusions that make me very crazy and tormented!!!

I have alife, a love, and a family that loves me and I love them...everyone of them!!!

My Psychiatrist

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of anidepressant because I was hearing voices telling me to die. I would just be doing something like fixing myself some coffee and the word would form from my lips and then I would hear it..."die" or "choke" or "wreck". I was a little paranoid about it but not too bad.

I was working 50 and 60 hours a week...alot of overtime. I also had been thinking that all I ever do is work and I guess I was making myself depressed. I may have to work tomorrow too. It is supposed to be my day off though.

I am going to be an Assistant Manager for another store (convenience store). And I am thinking that until I learn everything and it becomes easy for me..I will have more symptoms due to stress. But as long as I can concentrate I should be alright.

My birthday is today and I feel somewhat low about my age, 34, but kinda had a good birthday so that makes up for it. 34...34...and fat. 185 lbs. I usually don't eat candy bars much but lately I have taken a liking to "Heath" candy bars...NOT GOOD for weight!!!

I guess I am just not satisfied with myself lately. I can do it...I know I can...I have done it several times but I have also gained the weight back too. I stay busy and I hardly ever get a chance to just sit down. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not satisfied with me and I need to change that. I am not saisfied that I still smoke or what I eat. How much exercise I get. So I need to work on it more....

Oh goody!!!...New symptoms! (sarcasm)

Well, for the last two day I can feel bolts of energy pass through me. It feels like at random...a surge of electricity pass through parts of my body. Like...my chest, one side of my brain, or my arms and stomach. It is scary. I have never felt this symptom before. It was doing it pretty frequently for two days then it went away some timee yesterday. And the voices are pretty regular lately. Sometimes yelling and loud. It was all brought on by the fact that someone came into our house and stole some things valuable to us...someone came into our house...
Now I am so paranoid I lock the doors when we are all home or when I am alone or when no one is home. I am having nightmares about it also. My husband and I are both having nightmares. We each had a nightmare at the same time. They were a little different in likeness but it was about someone being in the house who shouldn't be there...someone trying to hurt us. That is all I wanna say about this right now.

The brain knows when something is wrong!!!

I haven't been having too many problems with the schiz...since my increase in Geodon (which is a very high dosage) I rarely hear anything anymore and life seems very real to me...or maybe it all seems like a dream world because I don't hear many voices anymore...The one voice I do remember hearing was about two days ago and it said "She will have to learn to live without the voices now"... I was walking through the store and fixin' to bag some ice when I really started to realize I hadn't heard any voices in a while. I was thinking how quiet it was and how nice it was to be able to think without voices being snide about whatever I was thinkng about...they weren't telling me I was wrong, they weren't trying to make me sick and I was really thinking to myself without hearing a voice...I couldn't believe how "normal" I felt. Then one voice...there was one voice that said "No! Now she has to learn to live without the voices." It is really wild to hear something like that after all the nonsense I usually hear. But I have heard something like it before...back when I heard all this stuff..in the early days I use to ask the voices what was all the stuff I kept hearing...I would say " what is this shit?"...after hearing all I wanted to hear of it! More than once they have answered "Your brain" and I would think "well that's just freakin' crazy". Never in my life did I ever think that it actually was MY BRAIN!!!...it's freaky if you think about it...my own brain was giving me the true answer...like it already knew along time ago. I get cold chills thinking about it...my mind knew there was something wrong with itself BUT it NEVER said that I was schizophrenic... I wander if it works like a cars "brain" or the computer part of the car... it knows when something is wrong but can't quite tell you WHAT it is. Weird!!!

Had a 'bout with the schiz

Yesterday, I had a bout with the schiz. It lasted most of the day. It made me remember that I hadn't had one since I was on160 mg of Geodon. Now on 240 mg. But I made it through it...I even knew I would. So it wasn't too bad. Just a lot of voices and nonsense. By the time zI got my third dose of Geodon in it cleared up pretty good. The topic was the schizophrenia and my kids. Yes, I was worried about my kids. I even hallucinated that people were talking to me through their brains...mind linking. But I stayed at work and I felt good regardless. All my voices telling me how loud my brain was last night was a good laugh if you think about it...the voices sounded like they were trying to yell over the cooler fans...as if to try and force me to listen to them.

The Goedon seems to be working pretty good at getting rid of most of the symptoms. I have learned what to do to get rid of the panic attacks every morning. I will not take my Paxil until the afternoon. It was causing the panic attacks with the espresso I drink every morning..I guess that sharp waking up and the Paxil CR just don't mix for me. I haven't had another panic attack since I began to take it in the afternoon. I refuse to give up the espresso!!!!

I do realize that I need to see my therapist more. I can't seem to make it to the appointments. I always reschedule. She is good, I think.

Destiny

I feel like I am destined to be schizophrenic or something. Even when I am not in the mood to be a paranoid I get it anyway. A JOKE!!! These last few days have beeen exciting and boring at the same time. I am excited that my son is living with me and that I have custody...but I am scared to death that my daughters who are still in custody will never speak to me again. They are going to be SO hurt. I got a message ( like some schiz's get or think t they get) that I have to just be there for my daughters. It is all I can do. I feel so helpless. And devastated at the same time. When can they come home, Lord? But I am excited to have my son here...a whole lot of deep emotions which I am dealing with. Seem to be doing pretty good on the outside...functioning and all...

I also just had my meds increased which seems to be doing great on the voices and positive symptons but I feel dreary. And I know that means that the increase is not being tolerated well. Or maybe I just need to get used to it first...and then see how I feel. But if I don't start smiling soon..I think I might be fired...(retail). Someone is going to say something.

It hurts inside. I hurt for the girls. It hurts alot! And I feel like I don't even have the time to cry. I am not suicidal but I feel like I can't go on like this. This is a bad time to have to work 6 ten hour days in a row...and next week it is going to be 11 days in arow.

Increased again

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geodon to 3 pills a day. We are hoping it gets rid of the rest of the symptons. Yesterday was the first day I took the increase. It seems to have gotten rid of the sudden sexual "surges" I call them. Nothing is more out of sync that standing at the cash register and suddenly getting a surge of sexual excitement..it was really getting on my nerves. I won't feel the full effects of the increase for a few days. But I can't wait. I hope I am able to think like a "normal". "A normal" is what we call people who don't have any mental illnesses and thinks normally.

I did win one for schizophrenics everywhere though...I won custody of my 17 year old son...well didn't actually win him...he was given back to me by the judge in the case. He said "It was admirable to see the determination and courage I had throughout these years". And something about progress. I was crying too much to remember everything. I believe in this judge but I might have to go against one of his orders...I have to think what is best for my girls. I am still thinking about it.

The "negatives"

I am dealing with alot of the "negative" symptons of schiz. The feelings that are being caused from it. I feel excited, scared, etc. Negative symptons are things like depression, tiredness, being afraid, paranoid, etc. Positve symptons are "talking to myself", hearing things, etc. I do not like the phrase "talking to myself"...it really bothers me. Because to me, I am hearing people talk to me and I am in turn answering or talking to them...talking to the voices...At no time am I talking to myself...it just looks that way. That's like...well see...to other people it would seem as though I am "hearing voices" but they are not "voices" to me. They are people with names and attitudes and they are in my life everyday...I NEVER see them as voices...Oh, I have tried to just tell myself "it is just voices" but I can't. They are real to me...with real problems and real fears. If I start to try to acknowledge them any other way; then I have the thoughts that I am "crazy" to handle with it. I do not think of myself as crazy, insane or psychotic...which is scientifically what I am. If I begin to think of myself as crazy, psychotic, etc.... I feel like everything that I am trying to accomplish is going to be all for nothing because it is only a matter of time before I have to end it and draw my check every month. Which is where I am ultimately going to be someday. Thinking of the scientific terms just make me feel like I am working HARD to get nowhere fast...it would all be for nothing. I am realising how hard I have try to hide everything. Because if my boss saw it ( which he DOES know about the schiz), I mean saw everything, then what would he do? I am getting depressed just thinking about it. I am crazy...but I am making it.

"Psychotic Features" was what they said I had. In psych it means to hear or see things that are not real. Psychotic Features... Damn... What a way to have to live...How in the world could it be so damn hard to get through...This is not something that is going away...EVER. All that time believing it was real...fighting with them...trying everything in the world to get them to go away...and it is not going away. Sometimes, I feel so afraid that I can't talk or think, I just sit there and feel this damn petrifying feeling for no reason. There is not even a thought of why this is happening..the feeling is just there. I get so scared that I can't hear the voices talk to me anymore..like my brain just shuts off. I am consumed with this fear. DAMN!I really feel like it is a matter of time before I am completely off my rocker and not able to work. But right now I work...I hope it ain't all for nothing..I had a whole career planned...........

I am completey scared right now

I am so scared that my soul feels like it is hurting...all the way to my fingertips. You know the feeling like your you know someone is going to break your heart or that you are afraid that they will...so you become so anxious and paranoid about it that you can already feel your heart break. That is what it feels like. Sometimes I get paranoid that I am not breathing right and I have to find someway to get fresh air. People are talking to me again with their brain stems. They brain link and say "Are you Jennifer McDonald?" I even answer them sometimes. But I don't think that I am under any stress. There are some people that call me names like "nigger", "slut" and "bitch". I hear it all the time. I heard my husband say "you look ugly and you are fat". Oh, by the way, I am white. The south...gotta love it. *sarcasm*!! I told my voices that the only time I get these panic attacks are when I am at home...had two at work though, my voices said that something must be wrong at home, then. I can't say what it could be. Sometimes, I think I should really look to see what it is and IF there is anything wrong at home...but then I think I may be asking for more problems...It all really started when Mel got the call that he had cancer. Sometimes, I just don't feel comfortable here since then. I think I am in fear that it will all fall apart. But I will stick with Mel through everything. I love him.

Vacation

I took a part of my vacation from work this week. I got alot done. I am not having too much trouble out of the schiz this week, so far. Mel doesn't have Cancer for now anyway. It'll be three more years before we know again. But it looked good.

I am now going to go to bed and just lay there. Maybe sleep, maybe not. Where ever my vacation takes me is where I am going to go. Just staying at home with know time line on anything. I kinda have a headache but I am sure it is because I was out in the sun and heat most of the day. Feels good to be outdoors. Good night...

Oh, I did watch a movie tonight named "Troy". It was great but afterwards I felt like my brain was "linked" to Brad Pitt..who does show his buttocks in the movie..wheeeeweee!!! That is about the only episode of the schiz that I had...and wouldn't you know it...I had to use the restroom while he linked...gross!!! Mostly, though, when I watch a movie that I relly get into, I always feel like I am getting "brain-links" from the actors in the movie and we discuss the movie. Just another part of the schizophrenia.

I would also like to say that this site has been up for a year now. This month marks a year of my schizophrenic and mental illness blog. I am excited even though no one else has joined...I still believe that it is a good idea. I have two support groups that I go to every now and then. One of them is schizophrenia.com and the other is support4hope.com. The first one is only for schizophrenics but the second one is for ALL mental illnesses. Schizophreia.com is more to let you speak your mind as long as you don't try to get other people to stop taking their medicines. That's a "no-no"! And support4hope.com will not let you discuss suicide or feelings of suicide. Each one has it's purpose for me. But lately, I have been trying to live WITH the paranoid schizophrenia, instead of LIVING it. which means the schizophrenia is not on my mind all the time anymore...or the issues that it causes with me. It is more like living with a disease that is treatable...you live your life AROUND it and with it. You don't make the disease and every part of it the only thing you think about anymore. I will not let it disable me!!! I can't live my life afraid of everything like some people do. Don't get me wrong...other schizophrenics can't help it...but I think my "common sense" is over powering my schizophrenia. Or hell, the medicine just might be working better since the psychiatrist upped my dosage. I reallly have to admit that to myself. But common sense has a lot to do with the schiz not disabling me completely.

Now, since I am on the schiz subject, my mind is now trying to tell me that my voices caused this headache. That they (the voices but to me they are people) are trying to make me sick on my vacation. But I reallly think I was out in the sun too much today. So now, I am going to go lay down....

"Walking Away"

I had another bad bout of the schizophrenia. I cried most of the morning and then half of the afternoon I felt as though if I could just start walking down the street and not say a word to anyone everything would be fine...just disappear. These are dangerous...I would say that these are my "suicidal thoughts". See, let me explain, if a schizophrenic has suicidal thoughts it is supposed to mean that the person should be in the hospital and have their medications readjusted. It is suppose to be the "sign" that the medications aren't right and the person should go straight to the hospital if they are having suicidal thoughts. It means something is really wrong. So what they do is hospitalize you in the psychiatric ward and do a little manipulating with the medications for about 3 days.

The two times when I thought I should be in the hospital for schizophrenia, I wasn't thinking of suicide...ok, a little,....but I KNEW I wouldn't try it. I think that the extent of my "suicidal thoughts" is that I get a real intense feeling that I should just start walking down the road, without a goodbye or explaination and leave it all behind, then things would be so much lighter a load to handle. The intensity of wanting to do this is something pretty powerful. Like yesterday, I could see myself leave the store, (I work) and with every step my cares and my pain and my worries and all the stress began to lift off my shoulders....and I could see myself living alone...it seemed SO much an easier thing to do...could you imagine. I have an intense fear of showering...I feel as though people are watching me and I can't shake it..I could just imagine that I wouldn't feel forced to shower everyday anymore because I wouldn't be working... I would just be walking. No more feeling like someone is going to hurt me because they can see me everytime they want to. I live so scared of the simplest things. The idea just seems like heaven to me.

At the same time, I have this, also intense, feeling that I should be in the hospital that something is definitly wrong with me. I even took an extra dose of Geodon yesterday...didn't do anything. Everything felt so wrong inside yesterday, I knew that that was my sign to go to the hospital...I should have went but dammit I was just out of work two weekends ago for that toothache. It wasn't until last night about the last hour of work that I felt alright again. The next time I should probably go.

Pain

Been to the dentist. Had to have a wisdom tooth cut out of my head. Oh Lord, at the pain. It didn't hurt while he was gauging at it but it sure does hurt now. It is funny how serious pain can put you in a delusion or hallucination or SNAP you out of one very quickly. I was delusional when the tooth was abscessed and throbbing. But now that the tooth has been removed I am in a constant agonizing pain and I am not the least bit delusional, I think, anyway. I am questioning myself right now. Because I am remembring talking to people who AREN'T here again. I think I do this daily...it is like a second nature to me to talk with people I knew a long time ago. Weird, I guess, I have been delusional after all. Oh well...onward. I have pain killers but they are not doing the trick.

Time to go suck on a cigar...I guess anyone can tell I am a little sarcastic tonight. I haven't heard from my Aunt Lisa who just had surgery yesterday and I am frustrated about that and the damn hole in my gum the size of Canada!!!

Well, for once...

I get to write about a spectacular day. I had one yesterday...no delusions, hallucinations and barely a voice. And the voices that I did have went away, it seems, the second that they got started. I was busy all day and I got a lot of work done. It was wonderful. I haven't had a day like that in a while. It was soooo nice to feel normal again. I hope today is the same way. A little paranoid this morning because my mother and my aunt are having surgery this week and next week. But I guess that is normal to be worried that something might go wrong.

Oh, what I could do with my life if I could always have days like yesterday. Though I should never let the schizophrenia have control over my life like it has control over some peoples lives. I felt so much like myself yesterday...Please could I feel that way again??? I will try to make it...with the way I did yesterday. I did get to "see" how differently I reacted to the symptons that I did have. My brain just acknowledged the voices as nonsense and I began to stay busy again.

And today I will know how everyone is doing after their appointments later on today...so I will try not to think and worry about it until there is something for sure to worry about. Take life one minute at a time.

I realize...

I realize that I am doing things ALMOST normally. I said, in a post somewhere, that I have to learn to live WITH the schizophrenia; not LIVE the schizophrenia. I am doing somewhat better. I did have a relapse the other night...due to a toothache though. Something about having pain or an illness near my brain that really makes symptons extremely hard to deal with. It isn't just hard to deal ...it is like nearly necessary to go to the hospital. I couldn't coherently hear my customers for the roaring and yelling of the voices. The pain I was feeling seem to show itself through the strength of the volume of the voices. It seems that if I have a head cold the voices get really strong but seem scattered brain. It is like a lot of chattering about nothing. But if I am in pain, such as a toothache, the voices are real strong sounding and loud...like they are fighting against each other...almost like a verbal war.

But...

I was saying in the beginning of this post that I am starting to live WITH the schizophrenia instead of focusing on the schiz..I am focusing on my life. I am dieting and driving and cleaning the house and now I don't dwell on every little schizophrenic thought and reaction I have to it. The paranoia has lessened a good bit since I don't worry so much about the thoughts I have. Now I just need to get rid of the voices...especially the one named Samantha!!!!!!

Poetry

I was just deciding which way I was going to handle this last few days. Seems I can't shake off the feeling that everyone in the world can hear me. I know they can't see me though...I could actually muster up the nerve to walk around the house nude. Felt good.

I'm stuck in a delusion
Can't find my way out
Back to the real world
From this schizophrenic bout.

The voices they linger
Deceptive is the tone
Relentless and constant
When I am alone.

Got caught by a customer
Talking to myself
Yelling at the voices
To get the h*#l out.


Lord, what a week. As the week gets longer and longer...I had to work 6 days this week. The voices got louder and louder. And at times were very hurtful...even though they were lying. I have been having some gross intrusive thoughts...out of the blue something gross will go through my head. It might be because I read that schiz's can have sexual feelings suddenly for no reason...it's a part of feeling things that aren't there. I feel "twinges" for a few seconds then it goes away. I think it is gross because I am honestly not desiring any the to do with sex at the time.

The voices have also been quite insulting lately. Which keeps me in an attitude but then I decide I won't let it bother me...I didn't say so...there!!!

I forgot to call Cory this week...

Then, there is also the me that is afraid my kids won't love me if I don't call for a week. Sometimes, I just need time to get through the schiz days without too much emotion.The schiz days are the days when the voices won't stop bothering me and my mind. My mind gets so racked with them that doing too much of anything is a huge trigger for more problems. There are just some days that I have to do the things I have to do...like work..and just try to get through the schiz symptoms throughout the day as best I can. I supposed I should tell Cory about it and talk to him. It is just that if I add emotions to hearing schiz voices then it turns into one big auditory hallucination...I went from hearing a voice telling me that I don't love my kids, which is by thr way totally absurd and I won't pay much attention to it...to it becoming a whole auditory hallucination that the voices (note the word "voices") are saying things like "the reason your kids won't love you is because my kids love me and you are the opposite" and then a voice that says "My kids lived so that means your kids die in a car wreck". And it goes on and on from there. "then the voices try and PROVE to me that that is how the world works by saying something like "I'm happy, so now you are sad" And when I began to take an inventory of my feelings I realize that I am sad. So now it SEEMS as though the voices ways are working...and this is when I REALLY start to get paranoid. And I hear this stuff ALL THE TIME!!! It is just awful to hear stuff like this all the time...no wander I have major depression.The voices tell me if I wear black that means someone I know is gonna die. And the shirt I have to wear for work is a black smock...more paranoia. I can't believe I work like this...this stuff is constantly there. But that is just what is going on now...but with the Geodon it helps me to realize that it is not real and I don't live in an unreal place...work is real, Cory is real, Mel is real...And that basically I understand that my voices are full of CRAP. BUt I still hear it and though it doesn't bother me so much that I get depressed and suicidal anymore....it does bother me. It brings me down that I can't function like a normal human being. That even at work I always have SOOO much going through my head and have to try and concentrate on work also. It is HARD, Damn Hard!!!

It's a damn good thing...

...That I am not paranoid of the police anymore because the police have been trying to call us all day. Nothing bad, I'm sure...but...weird. I heared the phone ring earlier today and I looked on the caller ID to see who it was and it said "UKNOWN CALLER" so I didn't answer the phone thinking it was a telemarketer and left it ringing. Well the "UNKNOWN CALLER" has called several times today. So this time I answered and the voice on the other side said..."This is the Alabama State Patrol Office and I would like to speak to William". William is my husband's first name. Apparently, it was a "courtesy" call and he will call back later when Mel is awake. OOPS!

After those two first times of "hearing things", I didn't hear much more for a few years. I got married and was with Larry for 5 years. You know, it is a wander I wasn't hearing stuff then. Larry was physically abusive, you would think that would've brought it all on. But the next time I remember "hearing things" was after I met David. I fell in love with him and then learned he was a drug addict. I was only nineteen when I met David and turned twenty years old when I started using methamphetamines (Krank). If I remember right, one of the first times I had ever used "krank" I started seeing things. But it was just a time or two later that I began "hearing voices". It started with the radio one night...it played a new song by Robbie Nevel and to me it sounded like someone I went to school with. The radio asked "why did you cut your hair?". I had of course just gotten it cut a day or two earlier. I was shocked! There was no reason for that song to suddenly talk about hair. Then the radio said "I can see you from here." A few minutes went by and I started cleaning the kitchen. Then the radio said "You have to clean it within so many minutes or you'll get busted". Then after I got done with the kitchen...I was cleaning it as fast as I possibly could...I sat down because I was tired. The radio said "You have to clean the rest of the house, too. Get up or you will get busted". This went on and on ... and from there on out I was lost. Lost into a whole new world...that I believed everyone knew about but they never really discussed it. It was like we were not allowed to talk about it. No one would acknowledge the "orders" that they were given by "the power". The people had to do certain things to hurt me in order to get their "running medicine". "Running medicine" was this power that gave you the energy that never made you tired. You ran around and got things done and never got tired of it and anybody would do anything for it.

After a few years of this...I quit the drugs. I couldn't take it anymore. A voice told me or ordered me to "Put it down!!!". I knew it meant to quit the drugs. So I did. I quit for four years. And it quit. I didn't hear anything else for about four years. I had been drinking though. I took, literally, two drinks out of a beer on Thanksgiving Day in 1995 and left my house to go to the store to use the pay phone. I had a wreck soon after I left the house. I ended up ok but I hit my head on the windshield pretty hard. Cracked the windshield into about 25 split cracks. I started hearing voices after that. Without drugs. I believe it was right after that wreck..no more than a couple of days later. The voices went through the television, radio and when I turned them off and made it totally quiet in the house....then they went straight through my head. I could hear them inside my mind. They sounded like other people "thinking" straight to my brain. And that is where the grand delusion of "brain linking" was started. ....................See I know it is a delusion and a hallucination and it is my MAIN one but I can't stop it from happening. Everytime I forget about the voices and schizophrenia something will go through my mind like that and I am back to square one. It is like it won't let go of me. .......................Some voices have names and I have prayed to God to please stop this voice named "so and so" from talking to mee and it has stopped. And I have sat down and wrote in my diary about some delusions and they have stopped...but no matter what I do I can't get this delusion out of my head!!!!

The very first times

I remember the first voice I heard. It was the TV talking directly to me. I was looking for something in the living room. I was about 14 years old. I turned to look at a shelf in the living room of my parents house and the TV said "Yeah, it's right over there". I giggled because it was one helluva coincidence that the tv would say that at that exact time. Then it said "What? Don't you know we can see you?". I turned and looked at the television set. Then it said "You are standing in the living room". And then that was it. I left the living room and went back to my room and forgot about it later. I was a teenager and I had teenage problems. Dilemma's.The next time I heard something I was in Calhoun, GA, lighting a cigarette in the laundry room. No television, no radio...I heard a voice say "I am your best friend". I guess they knew I didn't have many friend's in Calhoun. I told Mama about that voice right after it happened. I was about 14 or 15 then. I wander if that was the very beginning. I remember before then being compulsive that my stuff toys were "comfortable". That meant that they couldn't be lying down on something hard and if it was cold they had to be covered up..just like the girl in "Autobiography of a Schizophrenic Girl".

One day

I am going to attempt to blog down an entire day with Schizophrenia. Like, I was just outside smoking at 1:05 am in the morning (I have to stay up tonight to be at work at 4:30 amfor training) and I heard two voices...it went like this:

Female voice 1: "You smoke too much." Then I thought to myself "damn voices".

Female voice 2: "AAANT, annt, aaant" as if she were shooing away the first voice.

Female voice 1: "What are you going to do about it?" and I just thought to myself "about what the smoking or the voices?"

The first voice was off in the distance in front of me...the second voice was right below me- sounded as though it were at my feet.

Right then the voices didn't sound like much. They were just rattling off. But usually there is a whole theme around it. This theme is scientifically called an "auditory hallucination" because it is usually all connected as if it were a conversation instead of just rattling off like that.

Anyway, I am going to take my Pocket PC to work with me and note all the voices and hallucination that I have andd then write it up...A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC....I think it needs to be done.

The increase...

Well, I can tell a difference since my doctor increased the Geodon from 120 mg to 160 mg. I am not forgetting stuff so much and I am not so paranoid that someone watches me in the shower. Boy, that was a bad trip. I would really get scared that people were watching me in the shower. But right now I can walk around the house nude...hehehehe. It makes a big difference to feel like you are alone enough to act normal. I feel free-er. WHEEW. Now if I could get shed of the voices and the roaring...I took some extra meds last night because the voices would NOT go away. It didn't work. So I guess in a couple of months we try Haldol. I told the doctor what all was going on and he asked "Do you still hear voices?" And I said "Yeah, I hear the voices all the time". And he said " I am going to incresae the dosage of Geodon...I know you couldn't handle it before but I think you can handle it now." I said "fine" but that I would not take two at the same time ...I would take one pill in the morning and one at night because I definately couldn't handle it at the same time...He said "Ok".

It's just that SO many schizophrenics are sympton free....that is what I want. I don't want to just have to put up with it. Damn, why does it have to be so tough? It feels like I know so many people that the drugs work for...and at first I couldn't tolerate the higher dosage but I really think it is because I took two pills at the same time. Anyway, I couldn't take the dosages so I felt like "this is it...I am gonna have to deal with the rest of the symptons the rest of my life and just tolerate those NASTY voices".

But maybe this time around...

I am gonna try something else...

I am going to try to train my brain. Since the voices get pretty bad if I pay them any attention...I am going to try to not pay attention to them. They have seemed to get real loud the harder I work. Learning to focus on things that are real might help more...in fact I know it will help..I just can't seem to concentrate on anything once the voices start.

Last night, they were saying "remember when we called you the 'bride of frankenstein'?" And that made some of the things I have been through make sense. Before I met Mel the voices kept saying that I would get married. I never believed it because I didn't think I would ever want to get married again. But then they would call me the soon-to-be 'bride of franstein' andbeing called a monster from the voices is a compliment. The voices claim to be the opposite most of the time. After they said that last night I got to thinking and then I was lost again...inside a delusion. It's easier to ignore them when they don't make sense.

But anyway, I will try to barely ackowledge them for what they are...just voices.

I am hearing loud voices at work...they claim to be raising hell. It sounds like it. But as soon as I got home they went away. I don't understand why they are doing this, but I guess, I just gotta deal with it. I can't tell if the medicine is doing much good or not while I am at work. It seems the busier I get the louder and the voices go. I just can't make myself believe that I am the only one who hears it.

We're okay today...

A few voices...about three...but it's not manic and not really depressing. I got alot done yesterday. I can't get to the schiz support group web board. The computer says it can't find the page. But I wanted to try and go a few days without it anyway. I wanted to see if I had become obsessed with the schizophrenia. I think I think about it so much that the symptons are returning. I should learn to live with it...not live it.

This is what I feel right now...

I am scared...I don't why...I am afraid to take a shower because I think people can see me. I will take a shower anyway and put myself through that trauma because I need to take a shower everyday. I want to get off the computer for awhile but I can't seem to do it. I am paranoid of undressing in the house. I feel like someone is linking to my head all of the time. I still keep saying to myself "no one can see you...no one can link..." but I still feel it. Alot of paranoia. I want to turn on my music and dance around the house like I use to. But I feel like something is stopping me from having any kind of fun. Like I am not allowed to have fun. Or the people I hear will take it away...don't get me wrong...I don't really believe any of this but I feel it.

So that is what is going on right now.

This disease

It has total control over me...you know, or you would think that even though I can "feel" things that might be suggested by my brain...you would think some things would be good. But lately, all I feel is fear and disorganization. Most of the time I feel like my brain is totally separate from my body. It is like it isn't mine at all. I am sure someone else stuck this brain on my body. Even though I am not scared...I feel scared. And I look around and there is no reason for it. I hate living like this. I will be in the middle of thinking about something...such as my pocket pc...and suddenly I'll get what the doctors called an intrusive thought...just a thought that runs through your mind whether you are really thinking about it or not. And sometimes I just can't shake it. It just sticks there like someone glued it on the inside of my head. Most of the time the intrusive thought is just nonsense but there are times that don't seem to be nonsense but it doesn't really matter...I don't care about the issue one way or another.

I got an intrusive thought yesterday about that girl that went off with those three guys on her trip...I was thinking of my pocket pc and some of its troubles when I got the thought. It just stayed and lingered in my head but I wasn't really wanting to pay attention that certain issue. It does seem to bother me a little though. You know....like what in the hell was that girl thinking? Or did one of those idiots slip her a drug. Someone said there might have been a drug called "Ecstacy" involved. But mostly the attitude I get from most people is that the girl put herself in that position...

Anyway, I seem to get a running start on some concentration then I get bobarded with intrusive thinking....I wanna scream "THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"

Today...

I was just sitting at the computer thinking that I couldn't handle things anymoree. I know that I am under alot of worry and that is the main reason for the schizophrenia relapse. But I was writing the prior post and suddenly felt a need to get away from the computer. Like I NEEDED to stay away from the support group and things in nature with schizophrenia. But I went to take my shower and suddenly I felt like I had been spending so much time thinking and dwelling on the schiz that I wasn't going on. Lately, instead of "going on living" with my disease I have just been trying to figure it. How can a schizophrenic "figure" out schizophrenia? There is no logical thinking...though I KNOW what is factually causing the relapse is stress and worry...I still tend to get voices telling me that it is what I deserve or I have schiz so my kids won't have it...and more unrealistic reasons why. Unrealistic reasons bother me and depress me.

So I am going to try to force myself to go on living WITH the disease instead of dwelling on it so much. I felt normal while I took a shower and was up and about doing things I needed to do in order to get ready for work...THAT IS REAL LIFE. Not all these feelings of doom... because this disease is making me not see the real reason for its existance within me. I am FEELING the things the voices are telling me...such as I feel like a low life because I deserve this isease because I hurt my kids. And the REAL reason is that I had this disease when everything happen and the things I heard back then were part of the disease also. And THAT IS THE REAL REASON everything happened the way it did. I KNOW THIS IS TRUE....but I still FEEL like a scum and that I don't deserve to live.

So I have this choice here....either I can go on and get ready for work and feel REAL and the truth...or I can dwell on this disease and feel what the voices think I should feel.

I'm feeling a bit suicidal...I really won't ever do that, I think. But I think I understand why some schizophrenic's kill themselves. It is also scary to know that the most common form of death of schizophrenics is suicide. It is because they FEEL it.

I am forcing myself through this last post...so that I can get these thoughts down while I am feeling them. I feel it is very important to do so. I think that is it...all I needed to say. Now I am going to go and live a real life and try to forget about being schizophrenic for awhile. I will let you know how it works out.... I got to get away from the feelings...

Oh, I am ok, though...I am having the thoughts but have no desire to go through with it. Which is usually how it seems to work with me. But I KNOW that once I quit dwelling on every little thing about this disease I won't have the thoughts either. SO untli next time...

The delusion played on...

Last night at work...the whole night...I was in a delusion. I can't say I was lost in it because I chose not to participate in it. By that I mean, that I let the delusion play out while I did my work and tried to ignore it. I had one voice that was stating almost everything that I was thinking and apparently the whole world could hear it. The voices got so loud last night that I was sure everyone could hear it. And I could SEE my customers remarking in their minds things about me. Things like "Well, at least she isn't violent". And then I could hear my doctor say "No, I don't think she is violent at all". They just kept on and on and when I walked around the store ...the voices would grow deeper or sound like they were roaring inside my head. As the sound of coolers and doors being shut went through my mind the sound changed and seem to go along with the sounds in the store. I just wanted to get through last night.

There is a physical reason for this ...it is that I had been awake since 4:00 am in the morning. I guess me being up for 21 hours would set things off. I managed to get through the night without making a mistake and I ended up 21 cents over on my drawer..the paperwork even came out right after all that nonsense. I know I said I would "step by step" a delusion through but I can't seem to remember how it started. I feel a little bit anxious today....hoping that it all won't start up again. This is the kind of feeling that keeps a lot of schizophrenics in the house and unable to function in other places. i pray that I won't end up like that. I don't wanna lock myself up in the house and go completely insane....I fear that the most. So far I have been able to function and I hope to keep it that way.

Something interesting about DID/MPD

Something most people don't realize about what I have, and something that makes treating me medically a little more challenging...thought I'd share it.

"Each identity within the same person may have unique neurological and physiological responses. For example, some identities may require glasses, while others have perfect vision: some identities are allergic to smoke, while others may be chain smokers: some identities are almost deaf, while others have exceptionally good hearing: different alters within one person will register unique electroencephalogram, electrocardiograph, blood pressure, and pulse readings. Alters may have different allergies and different ailments and unique responses to medications. One identity may be diagnosed with an ailment, but a different identity may be "out" when the medication is taken. In this case, the original alter isn't helped, and the receiving alter may have unfavorable side effects. Prescribing medication to survivors who are multiple should be done with special care and extra monitoring."

The bomb dropped!!

And now I am back inside my little insane world. I FEEL insane ...like I am losing it slowly. The mass confusion of the schizophrenia is back. No hallucinations, unless you count auditory hallucinations.

Cancer seems to have invaded my family. My Aunt Lisa and my husband. And to me it doesn't look very good. I have to take a deep breath everytime I think about it. It is so hard to take. And no one can promise me it'll be alright.

So the thoughts just real in my head. And some I feel could not possibly be MY thoughts. I talk to myself more now and feel this intense fear inside me...like I am going to lose someone. I am sooo damn scared I could hide in the corner with a comforter and not come out at all. The paranoia about the cancer and death is overwhelming. But the SERIOUS difference is that it is real. It is not a hallucination that I can mark up as being the schizophrenia and go on doing whatever I am doing. This is real. And I am terrified. I feel like I am either climbing a steep mountain with sharp rocks barefoot or like I am falling into a pit of that deep, dark, sticky tar that I can't pull myself out of.

Just then it suddenly didn't seem so bad. I still feel normal. But which is the schizophrenia...?

I have a system that I use to identify and deal with the paranoid schizophrenia. I identify each part of it as it runs as I go along. For example, if I am at work and suddenly get an "off the subject" thought or start to hear voices...I identify it as being a delusion with voices and it is part of the schiz. After I identify it it makes it easier not to listen or pay much attention to it and I go on functioning with no other thoughts about it.

I have identified my own sequence of events as the schiz runs it's course: It starts as a mere spontaneous delusion...then there are a view quick voices that don't make much sense. And if I ID them as being a delusion and voices, I quit paying attention and go on functioning. But if I spend just a few seconds on trying to figure out why I had the "thought" then it becomes a stronger delusion and I begin to get a rush of delusions that make me paranoid about the thought. Then if I am still paying attention it will become a much stronger delusion and go into becoming hallucinations...such as "seeing" people say the things to me that I hear in the form of voices. I can actually see the delusion become real to my eyes and in my mind. But I usually do pretty good by identifying the process and it usually never goes any further then a short thought...delusion.

The next time I have this sequence I will describe it in full, as wellas, describing what the actual delusion was....how it starte from first thought to full hallucination. It's almost like a lot of the times I can see myself go through it. It doesn't scare me anymore because of it.

Paranoid Schizophrenia...what a disease...disorder...disabling disease. Have they decided whether it is a disease or not. I think one article described it as being a disease that disables some brain chemistry. They have also said that in "pictures" of the brain...the brain with the schizophrenia looks different from the brain that is "normal". I think they are actually seeing what they want to see in those pictures.

I am over my deep, depression for the moment so I am guessing some of the way that I handle this "family health situation" is also running me a course of the schizophrenia. So, I am still not immune.

It has been alot easier lately...

I am not having very many schizophrenic symptons lately. I feel almost human again. Which is kind of great but hard at the same time. There are alot of things going on with my family and I actually have to deal with them. I just feel a little down in the dumps, I guess. I'm not slipping into some kind of delusion this time around...a delusion that would take my mind completely off the things that are happening right now with my family. This time I am going straight through it. Totally real life. It just seems like right now I would be half crazy with voices, delusions, and hallucinations...but they aren't there. I would usually get excited about it...whenever this RARE thing happens. But, I am down today.

I have had a few good days

All in a row....the good days seem to be sticking around lately. Thank God. I feel pretty good. No delusions or hallucinations and barely any voices. The support group seems to be going good and I have gotten a few answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Like I always thought that the voices were because of the stress at work because I thought that I mostly heard them at work. But it is when I am alone that I hear them the most no matter where I am. So I just try to keep busy and thhey seem very minimal even when I am alone.
I love my work days on Saturday and Sunday...there is no crowd and no stress. I just clean mostly and take care of things that don't get done through the week because we are busy. Well, I guess that is really all for now.

After my brain STORM

I have been back to myself for about three days now and it is a very welcomed feeling. I have my son with me which seems to calm my schizophrenia down to almost no symptons. I am going to enjoy this week with him as much as truly possible. My baby boy is home!!! I feel so lucky.

Rude awakening

Yesterday, I woke up with someone screaming outside my head "You are going insane, bitch" and "You are psychotic, bitch." and they continued over and over again until I was shaking all over. My gums were hurtin' really bad too. I went on through the morning, taking my pain killers and medication as soon as I could. It finally quieted down after the Geodon got in there. It was the first time ever for me to hear that kind of stuff. It took most of the day to recover and be able to know what I was doing. I remember being at work ...like a robot...doing the work but I couldn't give you details. I can't remember the first half of the night. I am pretty sure that what happenend yesterday morning was a psychotic breakdown. And if it had last much longer I wouldn't have been able to go to work. I would've gone to the hospital. All in all the actual episode seemed to have lasted about ten minutes with the voice screaming at me that I was going insane. And I remember glancing at the "window" into myself and thinking I was still functioning. I mean, I could light up a cigar and smoke it and look for my purse. Even though I was shaking all over.
I awoke this morning to find out I was out of sugar...that meant no espresso...NO! So I stole my husbands car and went to the store and came right back. I haven't felt like myself in a couple of days and the last thing I was going to put myself through was not having my morning rituals..two espressos and two Goody Powders. It just seemed like too much stress to go without my espresso. I felt I couldn't deal with that right now. Well, at least it is not alcohol or illegal drugs anyore. THANK GOD!!! I couldn't handle the ups and downs then I sure couldn't handle it now.
I am afraid that I am going to end up in a mental hospital, rocking myself, because the voices have taken me away from my own head. I caught myself rocking yesterday right after the voice stopped screaming those words at me. I thought...OH NO here I go. I am going to end up on a check afraid to leave my house. Please, Lord, let me work and be able to live as normal as possible.
When they discribe Schizophrenia as a "disabling brain disease" (note the word disease) I kinda thought to myself "well, it might be a disorder but not a 'disease'". I just note the things that I could do everyday...that they actually say most Schizophrenic's can't do. And I thought I have been doing it for so long...like working, leaving the house and I am able to go to WalMart too. Crowds don't bother me. Loud noises do but not loud noises of crowds of people. I guess because I "hear" all the time. Loud noises seem like a person is hollering inside my head. Anyway, about the "disease" part of schizophrenia...it is a disease!. I feel like I am getting worse. Like these last few weeks or this last month there is always something going on with my schiz. Something new...and the hallucinations (visual) are hapening 5 or 6 times a day. Something is going on here. WHich it could be the stress of my husband's cancer diagnosis. They found some polyps and one was cancer...the doctor cut them out and thinks he got it all but...BUT...!!! We just got married in November...am I already gonna lose him. He is THE ONE...you know....

Delusional

Mel just left for work about an hour ago so he is not here. I am delusional though. I keep thinking that people are "linking" to me. This brain linking thing really gets to me. I was thinking about my Uncle Charles and then suddenly I went delusional. I swear I feel like I am never alone...that someone is always linking to my brain. A couple of days ago it was my ex David. Then it was that mean ass woman Samantha. I feel like I can't break free from the link. I am so paranoid. I am afraid to change clothes or do much of anything but clean the house and go to work these days. I feel like I have been someone else for about three or four days now. I did get the lawn mowed but it felt more like I was running away from ssomething. Like I just keep running. I am slightly hysterical.

THis is what happened today...
I woke up feeling like I was in a panic over something..like I needed to do something fast-and this is the delusional part- I needed to do something fast to save someone's life. To describe it it felt like I knew something was wrong and it had to do with someone's life. And that I had to find out who this person was...but if I don't find out who this person is then I can't save their life. I don't know if you could understand this but I am trying to explain anyway. So I searched and searched inside my mind to try to find out who it was that needed help and I couldn't find out who it was so I couldn't save that person. I felt franitc, upset, afraid that this person would die soon if I didn't hurry and find out who it was. But I never did find out who it was. I went outside to smoke a cigar and two police cars were two houses down, sitting in the road talking to each other. Then I calmed down some. But I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was all choked up inside and my breaths were like gulps of air. My tooth began to hurt so I took a pain killer. I felt like I needed to do something to get my mind off of this person that I felt was dying...so I mowed the grass. Ajnd that worked for a little while until the mower cut off with me and I had to get Mel up. I just kept feeling like I had to do something because I couldn't get my mind off this person. So when the mower quit I was almost frantic again. I got upset all over again and I was almost to the point of giving up on everything in life I am trying to do....but Mel fixed the mower and life went on. After I mowed the grass I straightened up the house. The pain killer hit me and I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up it was all over until...a few minutes ago when I thought I felt someone "linking" to my head. That's when things just sort of pop into my head like it isn't even my brain anymore. That's when I start to feel like I am being watched and that the words that pop into my head are someone else's thoughts...because they have nothing to do with my thoughts or what I am doing...it is like someone else is describing what they are doing...and it causes major paranoia for me. That is what was happening until about the middle of this post. It stopped I lost them. Sometimes I feel like my mind just races to get away from other brains. I know that I said I could tell the difference between reality and the not real...schizophrenic thoughts...but I am at a stage to where I can't tell anymore...I have been in and out of this stage for about a week now.

I am paranoid this morning...

I seem to be extremely paranoid this morning but the stumper is what I am paranoid of...this morning espresso. I can't believe I am paranoid about my espresso. I keep thinking that if I drink any more caffeine I will have a problem...like an "episode". I'm kinda freaking out about the caffeine but I am drinking it anyway...mostly because I am trying to prove to myself that a little more caffeine is not going to make the schiz any worse this morning. I wish I had a normal brain. Part of me is thinking that my medicine is not working but I know that for the major parts of my symptons...it is still working. It's the pain killer...I can feel it. My gum was hurting more this morning and I decided to take a whole pill instead of a half of pill. Whew... kinda out in left feild this morning. I got to go.

Voices and drugs

I have been sober now for 3 years in April. I was doing Methamphetamine and drinking and taking pills. But I hadn't been diagnosed with paranoid sz yet. I noticed that my voices had changed dramamtically as I stayed sober. They weren't trying to ruin my life or sabotage me anymore. So I was thinking that when I was doing drugs maybe my voices SEEMED to want to sabotage and ruin my life because I WAS ruining my life at that time. And now that I am on Lorcet Plus for pain of having a tooth surgically removed I am hearing one voice that is trying once again to ruin my life. I think there is definitely a connection.

Support Groups

I found one...actually the world's largest schizophrenia support group. It is at Schizophrenia.com. It also has support groups for family members also. I think it is great. It seems to help alot to know some other people that go through the same thing that I go through every single day. I also found a website (but lost it again) that explained the difference between Schizophrenia and Paranoid Schizophrenia. I show all the symptons of Paranoid Schizophrenia.
The other woman that writes on this blog, Lisa...is in the hospital. I admire her for how strong she is. I can't imagine fighting cancer with all the other things that she has had to go through. I don't know if she would even want me to post about it but I am until she tells me otherwise. She is also in mourning over her grandson, Nathaniel, who recently ( a week before she found out she had cancer) died of SIDS. He was born on Christmas Day and was taken from us the day before Valentine's Day. I was really scared for her for several months. I still am. I guess that is why I feel I must write about it. I was worried for so long. And now that she has had the operation...I feel much more relieved. Lisa is the strongest woman I know. I fought with myself because this woman doesn't drink or smoke and SHE had cancer...
It is the same with my husband, Mel. He doesn't smoke or drink and he had cancer too. Here I am a woman smoking cigars. I have written about my fears and worries about these two people on my personal blog...my diary...but not on the public blogs. Mel and I are waiting for the next trip to the doctor's office before we really let ourselves absorb this. I have cried and bawled aboutit but Mel is being "stronger". The doctor says he thinks he got it all but he didn't think it was cancer then either. So in about two more months when Mel has his second colonoscopy we will know then if it had spread. After this next colonoscopy we will have to wait 5 years to find out for sure if it has spread. I'm scared. And I don't talk about it to him unless he brings it up but I think I probably need to. Mel and I just found each other nearly two years ago...I'm not ready to lose him to cancer or anything else. But I'll be alright. I'm just thinking about it all again.

I suddenly...

got my control back. I got dressed to go to Walmart to get a few things and after I started to run through the store and get the things I needed and I could feel reality slip back in. All of a sudden I was there and there were no voices hollering at me. When I got home I felt like myself again and it has been quiet for the rest of the day. I got a call from my Aunt Linda telling me that Lisa ( my Aunt who also writes on this blog) was ok. She had been diagnosed with Cancer and today was the day they did her surgery to take it out. Anyway, she is fine and I got plenty of other news about it that makes me believe that the doctor was able to get it all out of her. The cancer looked like it hadn't spread. I feel better and one of the worries I had is subsided...now I said subsided not gone. Of course, there is always worry with anything to do with cancer. Now if I could quit worrying about Mel and his cancer...but that'll be a few months and even then I don't know if I will be able to stop the stress of it. Just like with Lisa...it WAS there (the cancer) and it could be there again. I guess that part doesn't go away.
But after I got that phone the schizophrenic relapse I was having and the awful night I had suddenly went away. Just like I said before...it feels like someone just suddenly surrounded me in the warmth of the real world when the schizophrenic bout is over. But I have been going through this one for three days. Longest one since I have been on Geodon. So far I haven't heard many voices since about 2:00 pm this afternoon. I feel like I am in a peaceful heaven and I truly wish it could be like this always....

Been a lot of stress lately...

And I have been "hearing" more voices than I had in a long time. I am finding it hard to focus. I have also crossed that line between the real world and schizophrenic world (unreal world). Last night I was lost in the schizophrenic world and a little piece of me realised that I couldn't tell the difference between the two. I was at work a couple of days ago and about 9:30 pm I just started to realize that I had been talking to myself...for about 2 hours solid. That's when I realised also that I was an hour late taking the Geodon. I looked at the clock and knew I had been at work and had done some work but I couldn't give you much detail on what I did there. I couldn't say that I had made fresh coffee or that I had "dropped" (to the safe) any money...anything of value anyway. For all I knew the coffee was two hours old. I don't know what I was doing in that amount of time but when I "came around" and I was restocking the cooler. And I knew that I had been talking to myself for along time... then I looked at the clocked...but that was just the first time I noted that I was "out of it" again...(hadn't been this way for a long time-6 or 7 months). When I say "out of it" I mean for lengthy periods of time I would be in that unreal world, full of voices, always in a place that seemed to have no walls around it and everyone could see me. Everyone in the world could see what I was doing and hear everything I was saying and they have opinions about everything I do and everything I do is done wrong by me. I feel it now. See there I went again. But there is this little piece of me that see's me...I can see a glimpse of me right now and that part of me is saying " I don't know what is going on or how you slipped back to the other world and lost the real one but I sure hope you pull it back together". OK, I managed to get through another day at work half "out of it" and I don't remember much about that day either. But last night, I was in the real world most of the night. And then when I got home something clicked and I was "losing it" again. It felt like suddenly a switch was pulled in my head and all my channels were set on the crazy, unreal world. I couldn't get my mind off it. The part of me that catches the glimpses of myself in the other world tried to get my concentration on to focusing on something real...if I can focus on something real for a few minutes I can kinda pull myself back into reality. I got about 4 hours sleep last night and at 3:51 am I was wide awake and consumed with voices chattering and "the game"(it is an evil minded game that hurts innocent people--all a hallucination from the schizophrenia) playing all around me...just like I was in the middle of some kind of tournament and if I did not participate I might lose something precious. Precious to me besides the people I love is laughter, or it is my medicine working( or suddenly it won't work because someone in the game said it wouldn't), or it could be my kids' happiness...something that if it were taken away I would be devastated.
I know that if I have many more bouts like that or if I keep staying like that I am gonna have trouble working....I'm in the real world right now and that little piece of me has control. I am wandering if I forgot to take my Geodon at some point because I still feel so desperate to stay in the real world. I know that I took it... I remember. Why do I keep slipping??? It has to be the stress. It has got me to the point that if I start yelling at the voices again.. I will try to remember to tell Mel too...that I may need to go to the hospital. Just stay in the real world, Jen. Just stay in the real one.....

Feeling better

I feel much more optimistic about things lately. It just FEELS like all the things going on will be taken care of and fixed. My abcesses have stopped hurting and I'm working normal again. I was working...just kinda doped up. I feel fresh and free of the pain killers and the anxiety medications. Free like...free of "drugs". I guess on those kinds of pills I feel caged up...kinda held down to however the medication makes me feel...whether it be "drowsy", "high" or bogged down. I'm back on just Geodon and Paxil. And that is fine with me. Though I will be back on pain medications after the teeth surgery on May 3rd. I am not looking forward to that but I am looking forward to having the teeth pulled because this is the second abcess with one of them.

I will always remember what if feels like to come off drugs. I feel sure of myself, free from something that holds me back...it is like having my arms and legs untied after they have been held down for a year. I feel fresh and renewed. Like there is a new start for a life that wasn't going to work the way it was going. On drugs, there are very few ways out and only one good way out ..which is to quit them. The others ways out are prison or death. Though I was never much of a "pain killer" addict...I didn't like them...I could still feel the weight on my mind. It was very hard to hold my head up..in both physical and mental perspectives. I doubt that I would ever return to the "high life". I know how much I would lose from deep inside myself. I heard a phrase that got my attention this last week...That drugs and alcohol are used for "self-medication" of pain that has bothered us or A LONG TIME. It is exactly what happened to me all those years ago. So much pain...so much doubt...constantly scared...feeling like I HAD to take life the way it came instead of how I could make it better myself. Even the words don't describe it the way it felt.

I have come a long way...and even though it is a slow progress...it is always GOOD and going in the direction that keeps me improving myself, my relationships, my finances, and my life.

Between an abcess and a hard place

I take the pain killer for the relief of the abcess teeth, then take a Goody Powder for the relief of the headache the pain killer gave me. I hate pain killers; they make me sick to my stomach everytime I take them. But I can't stand the pain of the abcess so I'm stuck with it.

Feeling weird

I feel weird today. Kind of detatched from everything. I'm not hearing many voices but it is a strange feeling. For a few seconds, I feel normal and I do feel like I'm not being watched or any of the other Schizophrenic feelings. Then that feeling comes back...like right now it feels like I am watching myself type these words from another place. Like I am not realing doing it just watching it. It's kind of scary. I literally feel as though I am just going through the motions of work and stuff...must be all the worrying about Cory, Lisa and Mel.
And the othr feeling that I have is that I am so tired of being on these drugs. First, the Klonopin and now the pain killers for these two abcessed teeth. I feel doped up all the time and I don't care what the doctor's say it has some kind of effect on the Geodon....because instead of hearing voices...it feels like someone is literally putting their hands over my ears so I can't hear but I can still hear the rumbling of the voices. I wanna scream out "get your hands off my ears I can't hear anything"...but I can...it sounds like someone mumbling and they keep doing it and your are trying to hear them and wanna tell them to "speak up". I think maybe the abcesses are effecting my ears. It's all agravating. It is the third day on Penicillian so maybe the infection is starting to heal. I tried to go without taking the pain killer this morning but it all started throbbing again...I figured it has been three solid days on pain killers maybe I won't need one...but I was wrong.
Now it is all real quiet, no voices, no mumblings, that is not normal to me...I just feel real screwed up right now. Having a schizoid day with no schizophrenic features...in other words I am paranoid because I am not hearing voices and all the regular stuff. Actually paranoid....

Being without Klonopin

You were right, Lisa. I don't think it is the Klonopin that made me feel better...it looks like it is the Paxil. I have been without Klonpin since yesterday morning and I feel just as good as I did with it. I can really tell that the Paxil is kicking in.

But the truth is that Klonopin isn't making you feel that way...it doesn't make you feel that way. I've taken Xanax, and I've taken Ativan, and they both do, but Klonopin doesn't, so it's kind of a magic feather effect I believe, and if you can convince yourself you can still feel that way, you probably can...it would be more likely the Paxil than the Klonopin. And in MY opinion it's wrong to take you off of a medication that is doing what it is supposed to do: Relieve Anxiety. Self-medicating with drugs is much more dangerous, but properly using a medication is nothing to fear. That would be like me saying "well, I take this medication for my blood pressure, and hey, it worked, my blood pressure is fine now, so I'm going to stop the medication now..hey, if I have a stroke, well it's just that my heart got addicted to how it felt on the medication, but since it's working, I have to stop taking it." WTF?????

This mental conflict

I am still having quite abit of mental conflict about the Klonopin. It has helped alot and I am very glad to not have those terrifying attacks anymore. But I have this inner conflict with it. I am taking it and that's why it is helping. And I feel so much better after I take it...like I'm myself joking around and nothing getting to me...I feel great with it. That is my problem, I think. Maybe I am afraid I won't laugh anymore when I run out. Because the doctor will not keep me on it. It was just for about two weeks to get used to the Paxil. I feel free with Klonopin...free of anxiety and free of the schizophrenia actually getting to me....the schiz is still there but it doesn't bother me with the Klonopin. I just feel FREE. I like it too much. I don't really feel a "high" or a "buzz" off of it just "lightened up" from things. I am going on and on about it...but there is clearly a conflict inside me about it. I am worried about my sobriety. Isn't that how it all starts....we like something because it makes us feel better, loosened up, worry free and then we want to feel that way especially when we're down and depressed-so we use. It is the beginning of mental addiction-it is how it starts. I remember all too well. So I will be relieved when I am out of Klonopin....medication or no medication. Only 5 or 6 pills to go. And then I will feel a different kind of freedom...the inner strength and peace I feel truly sober...the greatest freedom there is.
I know that Klonopin is not as addicting as most drugs but there is the mental addiction which is worse. I was never worried about physical addiction..it is the "liking it" because of the way it makes me feel that I am afraid of. The truth is that if I keep on like this, I will try to buy them off the street...or xanax, which I LOVE a lot better. It feels like I'm fighting inside myself and I know one person who knows exactly what I mean and that is Paula. At first, I thought "Ill take anything to get rid of these attacks", and then it was "I am free of the attacks", next came "if I run out of Klonopin will I have more attacks"...but now it is "I like the Klonopin alot, the way I feel on it, joking around, but I KNOW what this can lead to".
It might be a different story if I was to stay on Klonopin like I stay on Geodon. But it is only two weeks worth. I don't think I am describing my conflict the right way.
BUT the bottom line is that ...I like the carefreeness and the the all around way it feels which means I will have a problem with it. After I am out of the medicine...I might try buying pills again off the street. I love my sobriety more so I think I will win this fight. I am too proud of my sobriety...3 years sober...I celebrated it for two days inside myself. I have NEVER been more proud of myself!! In all my life.
The doctor is being careful not to put me on something that might cause me problems with my sobriety...that's why it was only for two weeks. I am so glad that he is. I am and will always be a drug addict and though Klonopin is a presciption drug and works wanders for attacks as severe as mine were...it is one of those drugs that would start me backwards...because I like the way I feel on it.

I was thinking of your DID/MPD and I have some questions.

These question might bring out some conflicts with the Schizophrenia I have but I wanna know... You said that sometimes you know the person who is out in front and sometimes you don't recall any of it. I wanted to now when you KNOW who is in front is there like a kind of feeling signature or a brain signature from those alters that you can just tell who it is? Like some feeling that you get from each separate one and each feeling is different...is that how you know. Or maybe like a brain wave or a certain way of thinking that tells you who it is? And when you say that the personalities "have control"...do they feel pain? I mean I assume that they can get upset, irratated, or laugh at a joke. But can they feel physical pain or sickness? Or maybe there is an "alter" that takes control of something like that? I want to ask also...what happens if you are driving and the 5 year old comes out front? I mean this sounds pretty dangerous.

I wish I could describe so well what mine feels like.

I want people to understand better, but it's just so hard, because just talking about the subject often triggers switching and it's hard to keep up the flow of ideas. I'll see if I can describe it a little each time, perhaps that's the only way.
I have an inner 'system' of I believe 6. We range in age from pre-2, to my current age. Some insiders age, some don't. Some I have inside access to, some I don't. Each one appears to specialize by handling a particular emotion. Each has different likes and dislikes. There is one that when she is 'in front', I cannot remember anything from those periods of time no matter how hard I try. Each has a different name. When someone I can communicate with is 'in front', physically it feels like looking through binoculars to see what's going on right in front of me...I can see what I am saying and doing, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot control it. When it is someone that I don't have communication with but whose memories I can access, I don't know what they've done or said unless I go to a certain part of my mind and there I can access the information but it takes longer than just remembering something normally does. It's almost like watching it on a television screen.

There are times that things happen that are almost funny, when I try to look at them through an outsider's point of view.

Imagine that you're in an intimate, loving moment with your significant other, when suddenly your 5-year-old alter decides it would be much more fun to color or go play....lol, trust me, that's the end of that moment.

Or a problem that I frequently have...the one who goes grocery shopping with my girlfriend and helps picks out the food for the week is usually NOT the one who cooks it, or eats it. Which leads very often to: Me: "I'm hungry" Girlfriend: "We just went shopping yesterday, what do you want?" Me: "I don't like anything we bought".

We've learned...on occasions like Christmas or other gift-giving holidays, no matter how nice the clothes or other item she gives me, if there's not SOME type of toy involved SOMEone is going to sulk all night.

LOL TRY to win an argument with alters. Even I can't win. Imagine her frustration..."But you SAID you didn't mind (Insert topic of argument here)" Me: "SOMEbody might have said that, but *I* didn't say that." I have the same problem.

There are days where I'm what I call 'fraggy', where no specific personality is out long enough to be in charge and my emotions are all over the place. This happens most often if something's been going on that I can't decide how to deal with...different ones will try to deal with whatever's going on and then decide they can't and switch out, leaving me confused. These are the worst days, because I can't finish anything I start, can't follow conversations, can't keep up with appointments or what's going on in my life, and it's severely depressing. It's the most awful feeling I can imagine...inside physically it feels itchy and restless and frustrating.

And that's about as far as I can go on the subject today.

Been reading

Some say Schizophrenia is a cronic illness, others say it is a disease and still others say it is a brain disorder. Since most of them agree that Schizophrenia is caused by a severe chemical imbalance; I am going to call it a severe brain disorder. From my experience I would say that I am on the edge of calling myself mentally retarded. When I hear a loud sound, such as a loud truck driving by, it so distorted that sometimes it sounds as if men are screaming. Sometimes it sounds like the loudest roar you could imagine traveling right through my brain. I haven't thought too much abaout the reason but I can't bring myself to read a newspaper. When I think about reading the newspaper I feel some fear, distaste, and an emotion that seems to say "absolutely not". I can watch the news on tv most of the time though. When I am in a crowd...I mean a large crowd...I feel disoriented and also feel like I am falling into something I can't get back out of. But if I am with my husband I feel so much less of these feelings. Also, about the television, I can only watch television when something is on that I feel so wrapped up in... that my total concentration is on THAT show...such as Law & Order. I am totally into that show. If I watch something that has has my attention but not all of it totally, then I begin to hearing messages like someone giving me orders through the tv.
In a book I read called "Autobiography of a Schizophrenic girl" the girl, Renee, had delusions about a "system" that would punish her for whatever reasons; such as if she ate something that they ("the system") told her she couldn't eat. My big delusion was something of the same, but it was called "The Game". I would hear things such as "your brother will have a wreck" and if I didn't say "Whoa" or "No!" six times then they would say too late and I would either go to my brother's house or wait to find out if he had a wreck. The reason I had to say it six times was because two times meant I "evened it" and it would happen anyway. Three times meant it was a "no-go" which meant if he needed to go to the hospital he wouldn't make it in time, and there were reasons I couldn't just say it 4 or 5 times either. Six times meant I would stop the wreck and if that didn't stop it he would make it to the hospital. Stuff like this happened everyday and involved everbody that I loved. From my parents to my kids, Aunts and Uncles and friends. The "voices" would tell me that someone would die on a certain date and I had to pick which person would die or they would take one of my kids. I would never pick one I would scream inside my head "No one is going to die" six times. Then the "voices" would say I was pretty smart at the game. I went through that everday for about 12 years.
Now with my medicine, Geodon, I know that it was all not true...because it is gone now...just once in awhile like twice a month I'll get a voice that says something like those voices and I just ignore it knowing it is the Schizophrenia...knowing the difference between reality and totally untrue reality. And when I ignore it nothing happens. Once in awhile if I start "believing" in "The Game" I'll see something in reality that proves it's not true. I still here voices and see pictures of events such as conversation and things like that that are not really happening and never did happen. But it isn't the kind of thing anymore that seems to control whether I stand or sit (in obtuse terms)...it doesn't control me anymore. I like to say that it is "CONTROLLED" now.
I also read that while there are delusions there are not many Schizophrenics with visual hallucinations...in my case THAT is not true. I saw many hallucinations such as my mother looking right at me saying she wished I would kill myself so that she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. That is just one of them. I just went to my room and stayed there for an entire two weeks. I would go to work then go to my room and stay there until time to work again. Just to stay out of her hair and not be a problem. I hated living there but it was because I of what my voices were saying...though I didn't think they were voices...I thought they were really saying that satuff. And then it would totally blow my mind when Mama would say "Why don't you come out of that room and be part of this family...you don't have to stay locked up in there?"
I was in that room when the worst part of it came. I had begun to yell and scream at my voices...arguing with them about everything they said. The whole family could hear me. All they would say was "Are you alright?" and I would say "yeah, it is just those dumbass's again". And walk away. In "The Game" there is a part of it called "sabotaging". If I were thinking of a plan to do something- anything from walking to the store to getting my kids to the hospital- the voices would yell out "sabotage" and it would mess up the whole thing. But I always got my kids to the hospital anyway even if the car wouldn't start for the first time in months. It seemed to work "their" way....the voices way. So I had to believe in it. I remember once I was driving down the road and one of the voices hollered "sabotage" and a few minutes later the car died in the mddle of the lane I was in...in the middle of traffic. So I rolled the car to the side of the road and walked home...not far. But when my exboyfriend went to fix the car and bring it home all he said he had to do was get in and crank it up. Then I just thought it was those "voices" ruining my life with their "Game"...so cruel...so sadistic...I thought. Now I am wandering if the car stalling in the middle of the road was just a hallucination, did I cut it off and push the car off the main road for no apparent reason. What other things was I doing like that and around my kids?

Had I become one of those people so "out of it" in their minds that they didn't know what they were doing most of the time?