Well, it all started with nightmares as my last post reads. But I am really schizzin' out. I hear strange sounds and words that echo in my head...and the voices are trying to convince me that it all has a special meaning. Such as...I was outside smokin' at work and I heard a loud telephone ring...the voices told me that I am going to get some very bad news and that is what the sound meant. The phone kept ringing and I was supposed to (as told to me by my voices) act like I was answering it and then call my family for real. I then became afraid to call them...afraid I would get some kind of bad news that I just can't handle now. So I didn't call anyone that day...family or anyone else.
I have been freaking out before work every morning and dread going to work...this is highly NOT normal. I dread being there and feel full of despair that I have to be there. At some points during work I feel suddenly that for some unknown reason I can't be there any longer...like I must leave right then and there. I am, of course, fighting all these feelings and am staying at work. But it seems like , to me, that i don't get anything done because I am always freakin out. So far, the customers only say something to me to get me to smile...which is very sweet, I love my customers for it. But I also get very upset inside when another customer walks into the store. I mean, I get mad...like...the nerve of this person coming in while I was trying to bag ice,...the nerve that they walk into this store! I hate them! That is what I am screaming inside while I am smiling and saying "Have a great day!" This is what I call schizzin out. I feel like the customers were just coming in to bother or keep me from doing something that I need to get done. Like it is a conspiracy! They are just doing it because they want me to have a bad day.
In truth, that is what the paranoid schizophrenia is causing me to think right now. But I take Geodon and its main effect is to help me to know what is just in my mind and what is really truly happening. So at the same time that I feel all this rage inside of me because of this conspiracy, I also SEE that the customers are there because we need them and they need something from the store...they don't really even know the things that I am trying to get done and they would even try to help me when they could..like lifting a 5 gallon bucket of ice into the Coke fountain. They are just being customers and I can see that but it doesn't stop the feelings of utter rage that I feel. OF COURSE...I DO NOT SHOW ANY OF THESE FEELINGS. I have to hide them and that has me realy stressed out. I really want to scream inside of me to everyone "Please straighten me out and straighten my poor racked mind out." I just want to tell God "PLEASE HELP ME!"
It just feels like I CAN'T keep working like this. But I can't quit work. I have to keep doing it always. I have been working 21 days in a row with only one day off. This is too much. Maybe I can't handle Assistant Manager but I WILL NOT go back to being just a cashier.
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