And I have been "hearing" more voices than I had in a long time. I am finding it hard to focus. I have also crossed that line between the real world and schizophrenic world (unreal world). Last night I was lost in the schizophrenic world and a little piece of me realised that I couldn't tell the difference between the two. I was at work a couple of days ago and about 9:30 pm I just started to realize that I had been talking to myself...for about 2 hours solid. That's when I realised also that I was an hour late taking the Geodon. I looked at the clock and knew I had been at work and had done some work but I couldn't give you much detail on what I did there. I couldn't say that I had made fresh coffee or that I had "dropped" (to the safe) any money...anything of value anyway. For all I knew the coffee was two hours old. I don't know what I was doing in that amount of time but when I "came around" and I was restocking the cooler. And I knew that I had been talking to myself for along time... then I looked at the clocked...but that was just the first time I noted that I was "out of it" again...(hadn't been this way for a long time-6 or 7 months). When I say "out of it" I mean for lengthy periods of time I would be in that unreal world, full of voices, always in a place that seemed to have no walls around it and everyone could see me. Everyone in the world could see what I was doing and hear everything I was saying and they have opinions about everything I do and everything I do is done wrong by me. I feel it now. See there I went again. But there is this little piece of me that see's me...I can see a glimpse of me right now and that part of me is saying " I don't know what is going on or how you slipped back to the other world and lost the real one but I sure hope you pull it back together". OK, I managed to get through another day at work half "out of it" and I don't remember much about that day either. But last night, I was in the real world most of the night. And then when I got home something clicked and I was "losing it" again. It felt like suddenly a switch was pulled in my head and all my channels were set on the crazy, unreal world. I couldn't get my mind off it. The part of me that catches the glimpses of myself in the other world tried to get my concentration on to focusing on something real...if I can focus on something real for a few minutes I can kinda pull myself back into reality. I got about 4 hours sleep last night and at 3:51 am I was wide awake and consumed with voices chattering and "the game"(it is an evil minded game that hurts innocent people--all a hallucination from the schizophrenia) playing all around me...just like I was in the middle of some kind of tournament and if I did not participate I might lose something precious. Precious to me besides the people I love is laughter, or it is my medicine working( or suddenly it won't work because someone in the game said it wouldn't), or it could be my kids' happiness...something that if it were taken away I would be devastated.
I know that if I have many more bouts like that or if I keep staying like that I am gonna have trouble working....I'm in the real world right now and that little piece of me has control. I am wandering if I forgot to take my Geodon at some point because I still feel so desperate to stay in the real world. I know that I took it... I remember. Why do I keep slipping??? It has to be the stress. It has got me to the point that if I start yelling at the voices again.. I will try to remember to tell Mel too...that I may need to go to the hospital. Just stay in the real world, Jen. Just stay in the real one.....
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