I seem to be able to have a few good days where I have a little energy and feel happy about my life in general, then suddenly I go downhill and when I do, watttchhhhh outtttt. And it's driving me crazy. I know everyone has moods (hold on, I need a good cry, lemme put on some tearjerking music to try to get this thing over with lol...) But this is so frustrating, because I have to deal with not only normal moods, but mood-flip-flops when the one who's out front goes to the rear and someone else starts having their moods. Sometimes I don't think I can take much more...and then...I do. It just hurts SO much. But it's all 'situational' and 'rational' and therefore, though we COULD medicate it, if we do, then I'll lose all progress I've made. So I choose to suffer, wishing it would end like she says it can someday (she being my doctor). But there's so much she doesn't know, so much that nobody knows and on days like today, I don't feel like I can stand it another second. I'm supposed to be learning to Feel. Well, I'm starting to think that feeling is too horrible and I don't want to do it...No wonder I stopped doing it so long ago. Paula's helping me as much as she can...we actually talked about Matthew and came up with a few ways for her to get more closure on that (Matthew would have been the first baby). She hadn't talked about him to anyone, and it helped us both. Feelings. Hmph. Having emotional feelings come back is like when your foot is asleep and it starts to wake up...first it kinda tingles and you think hey, this might be interesting...then it hurts...and you realize that you're not sure you should have woke it up, but by then the process is starting. I'm cutting more, which means I'm feeling more which means I'm making progress. Christmas is being VERY VERY hard for me because I miss my family and feel very very lonely and cut off from everyone and everything...and it's so deep inside that Dee can't even help reach it to help...most years I didn't really care that much, we went through the motions and had it for the kids. But last year (my first "DID" year) she bought things for all of my parts, and that helped some...this year, it's different, because I've invited Paula and her kid(s) over (Nathanial's due the 17th) and I'm doing it as big as I can considering my budget (dollar stores are lifesavers, aren't they??) in order to give myself my first 'Family' Christmas in years, hoping I'll remember it and not kill myself or cut or anything. I'm looking forward to it, that's a good sign I think. I've already bought oodles of stuff for the babies and Dee's kids too at the dollar stores, and Paula and I are going shopping today so that she can buy things for the people she has to buy for. I doubt that she's told her dad that she's coming here (he doesn't even know where my new place is, lol...I've threatened everyone with death if they tell him, now that she's over 18 so he doesn't HAVE to know.) I'm hoping that it'll be good, but who knows :)
I am feeling a wee bit better now, time to get off here and get out of the house for a while, while I feel capable of driving.
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