This morning I woke up with an episode. Even with the medicine as good as it is; it has never stopped the waking problem. I still wake up with an arguement started in my head. It is like there are several people that are in my head arguing. I really am trying to get control of these every morning but then it seems like it makes it louder but, it also doesn't last as long as it use to. I remember when this started a few years ago. I woke up with an long constant fight between about 4 people going off in my brain. I never seem to react to it except that it puts me in a bad mood. This is probably why I can still work. Thank God though. Working makes me feel better.
Somtimes it feels like my brain is trying to prove something awful to me. Like...."HA HA HA There are still things I can do to you...Even with the medicine." At least I only take one pill for this or else I might be absolutely humiliated. HEHEHEHEHE Humiliated and then left feeling like there is no hope. That, dears, is the worst thing I think I have ever know. Like something (or it all) was hopeless.
My definition of Depression:
A slow, thick pit of tar, that seems drag you down into the rotating whirlpool and no matter how hard you try to hold on to something and pull yourself out...it seems to have you and dragging you intensly back in. And no matter howhard you try to get this tar off you .... it won't wash away.
Don't ever let yourself get that low. Get help. I managed to get out of it once...it had lasted a long time. Years.
1 comment:
I get that low pretty often, but my depression only seems to respond to Paxil. I personally don't feel I have depression but I know for sure that there are three of me who do, severely. I've tried several meds...Serzone, Zoloft, Wellbutrin,Trazadone, couple others I can't remember the names of, and only Paxil does any real good. But I still bottom out at times, partly because the one being treated isn't necessarily the one who needs the treatment on any given day. I wish I could learn to control who is 'up front' like some people seem to be able to do who have what I have, Dissociative Identity Disorder. But even when I come up with some great ideas with my doctor to keep from cutting myself open, when it comes down to it and I'm having the feelings, the one who talked over the plans with my doctor isn't the one feeling the urges, and the one feeling the urges won't listen to the one with the good ideas. I wish I could fully integrate, then that wouldn't happen, because we'd all be 'one' inside. Today I'm moderately depressed, not severely at all, and mostly because my kidney is hurting (on a 1-10 scale I'd say it's an 8)but I have another urologist appointment on the 28th. They've got to fix it, because the only pain med we've found that helps at ALL is vicodin and that raises my anxiety level somewhat. I think all I need is a brain transplant LOL.
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