Been reading

Some say Schizophrenia is a cronic illness, others say it is a disease and still others say it is a brain disorder. Since most of them agree that Schizophrenia is caused by a severe chemical imbalance; I am going to call it a severe brain disorder. From my experience I would say that I am on the edge of calling myself mentally retarded. When I hear a loud sound, such as a loud truck driving by, it so distorted that sometimes it sounds as if men are screaming. Sometimes it sounds like the loudest roar you could imagine traveling right through my brain. I haven't thought too much abaout the reason but I can't bring myself to read a newspaper. When I think about reading the newspaper I feel some fear, distaste, and an emotion that seems to say "absolutely not". I can watch the news on tv most of the time though. When I am in a crowd...I mean a large crowd...I feel disoriented and also feel like I am falling into something I can't get back out of. But if I am with my husband I feel so much less of these feelings. Also, about the television, I can only watch television when something is on that I feel so wrapped up in... that my total concentration is on THAT show...such as Law & Order. I am totally into that show. If I watch something that has has my attention but not all of it totally, then I begin to hearing messages like someone giving me orders through the tv.
In a book I read called "Autobiography of a Schizophrenic girl" the girl, Renee, had delusions about a "system" that would punish her for whatever reasons; such as if she ate something that they ("the system") told her she couldn't eat. My big delusion was something of the same, but it was called "The Game". I would hear things such as "your brother will have a wreck" and if I didn't say "Whoa" or "No!" six times then they would say too late and I would either go to my brother's house or wait to find out if he had a wreck. The reason I had to say it six times was because two times meant I "evened it" and it would happen anyway. Three times meant it was a "no-go" which meant if he needed to go to the hospital he wouldn't make it in time, and there were reasons I couldn't just say it 4 or 5 times either. Six times meant I would stop the wreck and if that didn't stop it he would make it to the hospital. Stuff like this happened everyday and involved everbody that I loved. From my parents to my kids, Aunts and Uncles and friends. The "voices" would tell me that someone would die on a certain date and I had to pick which person would die or they would take one of my kids. I would never pick one I would scream inside my head "No one is going to die" six times. Then the "voices" would say I was pretty smart at the game. I went through that everday for about 12 years.
Now with my medicine, Geodon, I know that it was all not true...because it is gone now...just once in awhile like twice a month I'll get a voice that says something like those voices and I just ignore it knowing it is the Schizophrenia...knowing the difference between reality and totally untrue reality. And when I ignore it nothing happens. Once in awhile if I start "believing" in "The Game" I'll see something in reality that proves it's not true. I still here voices and see pictures of events such as conversation and things like that that are not really happening and never did happen. But it isn't the kind of thing anymore that seems to control whether I stand or sit (in obtuse terms)...it doesn't control me anymore. I like to say that it is "CONTROLLED" now.
I also read that while there are delusions there are not many Schizophrenics with visual hallucinations...in my case THAT is not true. I saw many hallucinations such as my mother looking right at me saying she wished I would kill myself so that she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. That is just one of them. I just went to my room and stayed there for an entire two weeks. I would go to work then go to my room and stay there until time to work again. Just to stay out of her hair and not be a problem. I hated living there but it was because I of what my voices were saying...though I didn't think they were voices...I thought they were really saying that satuff. And then it would totally blow my mind when Mama would say "Why don't you come out of that room and be part of this family...you don't have to stay locked up in there?"
I was in that room when the worst part of it came. I had begun to yell and scream at my voices...arguing with them about everything they said. The whole family could hear me. All they would say was "Are you alright?" and I would say "yeah, it is just those dumbass's again". And walk away. In "The Game" there is a part of it called "sabotaging". If I were thinking of a plan to do something- anything from walking to the store to getting my kids to the hospital- the voices would yell out "sabotage" and it would mess up the whole thing. But I always got my kids to the hospital anyway even if the car wouldn't start for the first time in months. It seemed to work "their" way....the voices way. So I had to believe in it. I remember once I was driving down the road and one of the voices hollered "sabotage" and a few minutes later the car died in the mddle of the lane I was in...in the middle of traffic. So I rolled the car to the side of the road and walked home...not far. But when my exboyfriend went to fix the car and bring it home all he said he had to do was get in and crank it up. Then I just thought it was those "voices" ruining my life with their "Game"...so cruel...so sadistic...I thought. Now I am wandering if the car stalling in the middle of the road was just a hallucination, did I cut it off and push the car off the main road for no apparent reason. What other things was I doing like that and around my kids?

Had I become one of those people so "out of it" in their minds that they didn't know what they were doing most of the time?