This mental conflict

I am still having quite abit of mental conflict about the Klonopin. It has helped alot and I am very glad to not have those terrifying attacks anymore. But I have this inner conflict with it. I am taking it and that's why it is helping. And I feel so much better after I take it...like I'm myself joking around and nothing getting to me...I feel great with it. That is my problem, I think. Maybe I am afraid I won't laugh anymore when I run out. Because the doctor will not keep me on it. It was just for about two weeks to get used to the Paxil. I feel free with Klonopin...free of anxiety and free of the schizophrenia actually getting to me....the schiz is still there but it doesn't bother me with the Klonopin. I just feel FREE. I like it too much. I don't really feel a "high" or a "buzz" off of it just "lightened up" from things. I am going on and on about it...but there is clearly a conflict inside me about it. I am worried about my sobriety. Isn't that how it all starts....we like something because it makes us feel better, loosened up, worry free and then we want to feel that way especially when we're down and depressed-so we use. It is the beginning of mental addiction-it is how it starts. I remember all too well. So I will be relieved when I am out of Klonopin....medication or no medication. Only 5 or 6 pills to go. And then I will feel a different kind of freedom...the inner strength and peace I feel truly sober...the greatest freedom there is.
I know that Klonopin is not as addicting as most drugs but there is the mental addiction which is worse. I was never worried about physical addiction..it is the "liking it" because of the way it makes me feel that I am afraid of. The truth is that if I keep on like this, I will try to buy them off the street...or xanax, which I LOVE a lot better. It feels like I'm fighting inside myself and I know one person who knows exactly what I mean and that is Paula. At first, I thought "Ill take anything to get rid of these attacks", and then it was "I am free of the attacks", next came "if I run out of Klonopin will I have more attacks"...but now it is "I like the Klonopin alot, the way I feel on it, joking around, but I KNOW what this can lead to".
It might be a different story if I was to stay on Klonopin like I stay on Geodon. But it is only two weeks worth. I don't think I am describing my conflict the right way.
BUT the bottom line is that ...I like the carefreeness and the the all around way it feels which means I will have a problem with it. After I am out of the medicine...I might try buying pills again off the street. I love my sobriety more so I think I will win this fight. I am too proud of my sobriety...3 years sober...I celebrated it for two days inside myself. I have NEVER been more proud of myself!! In all my life.
The doctor is being careful not to put me on something that might cause me problems with my sobriety...that's why it was only for two weeks. I am so glad that he is. I am and will always be a drug addict and though Klonopin is a presciption drug and works wanders for attacks as severe as mine were...it is one of those drugs that would start me backwards...because I like the way I feel on it.