Feeling better

I feel much more optimistic about things lately. It just FEELS like all the things going on will be taken care of and fixed. My abcesses have stopped hurting and I'm working normal again. I was working...just kinda doped up. I feel fresh and free of the pain killers and the anxiety medications. Free like...free of "drugs". I guess on those kinds of pills I feel caged up...kinda held down to however the medication makes me feel...whether it be "drowsy", "high" or bogged down. I'm back on just Geodon and Paxil. And that is fine with me. Though I will be back on pain medications after the teeth surgery on May 3rd. I am not looking forward to that but I am looking forward to having the teeth pulled because this is the second abcess with one of them.

I will always remember what if feels like to come off drugs. I feel sure of myself, free from something that holds me back...it is like having my arms and legs untied after they have been held down for a year. I feel fresh and renewed. Like there is a new start for a life that wasn't going to work the way it was going. On drugs, there are very few ways out and only one good way out ..which is to quit them. The others ways out are prison or death. Though I was never much of a "pain killer" addict...I didn't like them...I could still feel the weight on my mind. It was very hard to hold my head up..in both physical and mental perspectives. I doubt that I would ever return to the "high life". I know how much I would lose from deep inside myself. I heard a phrase that got my attention this last week...That drugs and alcohol are used for "self-medication" of pain that has bothered us or A LONG TIME. It is exactly what happened to me all those years ago. So much pain...so much doubt...constantly scared...feeling like I HAD to take life the way it came instead of how I could make it better myself. Even the words don't describe it the way it felt.

I have come a long way...and even though it is a slow progress...it is always GOOD and going in the direction that keeps me improving myself, my relationships, my finances, and my life.