I saw the doctor

He gave me another prescription for Paxil. This prescription is stronger then the one I had before. He thinks I was having those terrorizing panic attacks while my body was getting use to the Paxil 10 mg. He also asked if I was still depressed I said "yes". And he increased my dosage of Paxil to Paxil 20 mg and gave me something for those "really awful" anxiety attacks which would probably start up again with the increased dosage of Paxil. I explained how bad the attacks were and what happened to me when I had them. I started taking the Klonopin yesterday with my 20 mg Paxil and I did not have an attack. It was wonderful. I felt so clean and free inside. I guess suddenly not being in terrofying fear will do that to you. :) I feel like I have my mornings back. And I was ready to get back to work.
I may be schizophrenic but most of the time I am not paying attention to voices. The more I "listen" to the voices...the more I hear. So if I can keep my concentration on real life and what I am doing ...like work...then I hear less voices. I thought about what would happen if I didn't work and I know that I would be hearing more voices and going crazy. Sometimes though I get so caught up in the schizophrenia (the voices and the terrorized feelings) that I think I will end up going to the hospital. I get so involved in the stream of voices, the feelings things that aren't happening and the even seeing to many pictures in my mind that I actually begin to say to myself "I am going to end up in the psych ward soon". That is when it gets to be too much. Let me explain the "pictures in my mind":I see in my mind as if I am in some situation somewhere such as one vision went like this...I was driving down the road I saw myself get into a car wreck and I saw that people were calling the police and ambulances. I had whole conversations with these people. I was telling them that I was ok and I was asking the other people involved in the wreck if they were ok. No one was hurt so they sent the ambulance away. The car wreck was my fault so the police were writing those things up in their reports. After a while we were all free to go. And the vision was over. But I saw this happen in my mind and if I hadn't been on Geodon I would have believed that I had been in a car wreck and would've really hurt as though I had been in one. My mind saw it happen so I would have responded in every way that it did happen. But since I have been on Geodon I knew immediately after the vision that it was not true and it was the schizophrenia making me see and hear the whole thing...and my life resumed as normal. THat is the difference that the Geodon made...I knew it was fiction right after it ended. If I had not been on Geodon I would've went to the hospital claiming to be in a car wreck and that I needed a check up. When other people go into the hospital after there visions they usually get taken to the psych ward and they try to find out how long you have gone without your medication and the try to reregulate it. Lately, I thought I would be there twice in the last month. But once I get ahold of myself or finally remember that I am late taking my medication I usually get control within hours.