Last night at work...the whole night...I was in a delusion. I can't say I was lost in it because I chose not to participate in it. By that I mean, that I let the delusion play out while I did my work and tried to ignore it. I had one voice that was stating almost everything that I was thinking and apparently the whole world could hear it. The voices got so loud last night that I was sure everyone could hear it. And I could SEE my customers remarking in their minds things about me. Things like "Well, at least she isn't violent". And then I could hear my doctor say "No, I don't think she is violent at all". They just kept on and on and when I walked around the store ...the voices would grow deeper or sound like they were roaring inside my head. As the sound of coolers and doors being shut went through my mind the sound changed and seem to go along with the sounds in the store. I just wanted to get through last night.
There is a physical reason for this ...it is that I had been awake since 4:00 am in the morning. I guess me being up for 21 hours would set things off. I managed to get through the night without making a mistake and I ended up 21 cents over on my drawer..the paperwork even came out right after all that nonsense. I know I said I would "step by step" a delusion through but I can't seem to remember how it started. I feel a little bit anxious today....hoping that it all won't start up again. This is the kind of feeling that keeps a lot of schizophrenics in the house and unable to function in other places. i pray that I won't end up like that. I don't wanna lock myself up in the house and go completely insane....I fear that the most. So far I have been able to function and I hope to keep it that way.
No comments:
Post a Comment