I forgot to call Cory this week...

Then, there is also the me that is afraid my kids won't love me if I don't call for a week. Sometimes, I just need time to get through the schiz days without too much emotion.The schiz days are the days when the voices won't stop bothering me and my mind. My mind gets so racked with them that doing too much of anything is a huge trigger for more problems. There are just some days that I have to do the things I have to do...like work..and just try to get through the schiz symptoms throughout the day as best I can. I supposed I should tell Cory about it and talk to him. It is just that if I add emotions to hearing schiz voices then it turns into one big auditory hallucination...I went from hearing a voice telling me that I don't love my kids, which is by thr way totally absurd and I won't pay much attention to it...to it becoming a whole auditory hallucination that the voices (note the word "voices") are saying things like "the reason your kids won't love you is because my kids love me and you are the opposite" and then a voice that says "My kids lived so that means your kids die in a car wreck". And it goes on and on from there. "then the voices try and PROVE to me that that is how the world works by saying something like "I'm happy, so now you are sad" And when I began to take an inventory of my feelings I realize that I am sad. So now it SEEMS as though the voices ways are working...and this is when I REALLY start to get paranoid. And I hear this stuff ALL THE TIME!!! It is just awful to hear stuff like this all the time...no wander I have major depression.The voices tell me if I wear black that means someone I know is gonna die. And the shirt I have to wear for work is a black smock...more paranoia. I can't believe I work like this...this stuff is constantly there. But that is just what is going on now...but with the Geodon it helps me to realize that it is not real and I don't live in an unreal place...work is real, Cory is real, Mel is real...And that basically I understand that my voices are full of CRAP. BUt I still hear it and though it doesn't bother me so much that I get depressed and suicidal anymore....it does bother me. It brings me down that I can't function like a normal human being. That even at work I always have SOOO much going through my head and have to try and concentrate on work also. It is HARD, Damn Hard!!!