Today...

I was just sitting at the computer thinking that I couldn't handle things anymoree. I know that I am under alot of worry and that is the main reason for the schizophrenia relapse. But I was writing the prior post and suddenly felt a need to get away from the computer. Like I NEEDED to stay away from the support group and things in nature with schizophrenia. But I went to take my shower and suddenly I felt like I had been spending so much time thinking and dwelling on the schiz that I wasn't going on. Lately, instead of "going on living" with my disease I have just been trying to figure it. How can a schizophrenic "figure" out schizophrenia? There is no logical thinking...though I KNOW what is factually causing the relapse is stress and worry...I still tend to get voices telling me that it is what I deserve or I have schiz so my kids won't have it...and more unrealistic reasons why. Unrealistic reasons bother me and depress me.

So I am going to try to force myself to go on living WITH the disease instead of dwelling on it so much. I felt normal while I took a shower and was up and about doing things I needed to do in order to get ready for work...THAT IS REAL LIFE. Not all these feelings of doom... because this disease is making me not see the real reason for its existance within me. I am FEELING the things the voices are telling me...such as I feel like a low life because I deserve this isease because I hurt my kids. And the REAL reason is that I had this disease when everything happen and the things I heard back then were part of the disease also. And THAT IS THE REAL REASON everything happened the way it did. I KNOW THIS IS TRUE....but I still FEEL like a scum and that I don't deserve to live.

So I have this choice here....either I can go on and get ready for work and feel REAL and the truth...or I can dwell on this disease and feel what the voices think I should feel.

I'm feeling a bit suicidal...I really won't ever do that, I think. But I think I understand why some schizophrenic's kill themselves. It is also scary to know that the most common form of death of schizophrenics is suicide. It is because they FEEL it.

I am forcing myself through this last post...so that I can get these thoughts down while I am feeling them. I feel it is very important to do so. I think that is it...all I needed to say. Now I am going to go and live a real life and try to forget about being schizophrenic for awhile. I will let you know how it works out.... I got to get away from the feelings...

Oh, I am ok, though...I am having the thoughts but have no desire to go through with it. Which is usually how it seems to work with me. But I KNOW that once I quit dwelling on every little thing about this disease I won't have the thoughts either. SO untli next time...