The bomb dropped!!

And now I am back inside my little insane world. I FEEL insane ...like I am losing it slowly. The mass confusion of the schizophrenia is back. No hallucinations, unless you count auditory hallucinations.

Cancer seems to have invaded my family. My Aunt Lisa and my husband. And to me it doesn't look very good. I have to take a deep breath everytime I think about it. It is so hard to take. And no one can promise me it'll be alright.

So the thoughts just real in my head. And some I feel could not possibly be MY thoughts. I talk to myself more now and feel this intense fear inside me...like I am going to lose someone. I am sooo damn scared I could hide in the corner with a comforter and not come out at all. The paranoia about the cancer and death is overwhelming. But the SERIOUS difference is that it is real. It is not a hallucination that I can mark up as being the schizophrenia and go on doing whatever I am doing. This is real. And I am terrified. I feel like I am either climbing a steep mountain with sharp rocks barefoot or like I am falling into a pit of that deep, dark, sticky tar that I can't pull myself out of.

Just then it suddenly didn't seem so bad. I still feel normal. But which is the schizophrenia...?

I have a system that I use to identify and deal with the paranoid schizophrenia. I identify each part of it as it runs as I go along. For example, if I am at work and suddenly get an "off the subject" thought or start to hear voices...I identify it as being a delusion with voices and it is part of the schiz. After I identify it it makes it easier not to listen or pay much attention to it and I go on functioning with no other thoughts about it.

I have identified my own sequence of events as the schiz runs it's course: It starts as a mere spontaneous delusion...then there are a view quick voices that don't make much sense. And if I ID them as being a delusion and voices, I quit paying attention and go on functioning. But if I spend just a few seconds on trying to figure out why I had the "thought" then it becomes a stronger delusion and I begin to get a rush of delusions that make me paranoid about the thought. Then if I am still paying attention it will become a much stronger delusion and go into becoming hallucinations...such as "seeing" people say the things to me that I hear in the form of voices. I can actually see the delusion become real to my eyes and in my mind. But I usually do pretty good by identifying the process and it usually never goes any further then a short thought...delusion.

The next time I have this sequence I will describe it in full, as wellas, describing what the actual delusion was....how it starte from first thought to full hallucination. It's almost like a lot of the times I can see myself go through it. It doesn't scare me anymore because of it.

Paranoid Schizophrenia...what a disease...disorder...disabling disease. Have they decided whether it is a disease or not. I think one article described it as being a disease that disables some brain chemistry. They have also said that in "pictures" of the brain...the brain with the schizophrenia looks different from the brain that is "normal". I think they are actually seeing what they want to see in those pictures.

I am over my deep, depression for the moment so I am guessing some of the way that I handle this "family health situation" is also running me a course of the schizophrenia. So, I am still not immune.