Well, that was as bad as it got. :)

I'm relieved, I talked a couple days ago to my doctor and she said I should be over the worst of it by now, and I feel fairly normal really, as far as not crying all the time with no reason for it, and my moods are more stable, and the agressiveness appears to be gone (thank goodness for that, bad things were gonna happen.)

Maintenance dose...Paxil 40mg.

If this is as bad as it gets...

Then I'll make it through it. I feel generally lousy today..kinda flu-like (typical for stopping an SSRI) and queasy. Taking dramamine for the queasiness, ibuprofen for the soreness, and a prescription migraine med (Midrin) for the headache which did get really bad for a while but has calmed now. The depression is ok, better I think than on the Effexor. I think I was reacting to it negatively like I did with BuSpar, but with BuSpar I couldn't even walk, this wasn't that bad and neither is withdrawing from it, at least so far.

Today: Paxil 40mg, Effexor zero so far.

Well, I was warned. *Smiles Weakly*

When they tell you that Effexor withdrawal symptoms can hit within hours of missing a dose, they're not joking, nope, not at all. I just keep telling myself...it's gonna be worth it...it's not gonna last forever...I'm stronger than the medication...

Now if I actually believed the things I'm telling myself, it might help lol. Thank goodness for DID/MPD right now, it's actually helping me get through this in some weird way. But it's already begun and it's nasty and depressing and ugly.

I'm walking around moaning "Oh Long Johnson, Oh Don Piano"...which won't make any sense at all unless you've seen the talking cats video that's keeping me sane right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV6DQuEh4UQ


Today: Paxil 40mg, Effexor stopped.

Goodbye, Effexor, Hello Again Paxil

I'm so scared about changing these meds even though I did ask my doctor for her permission to do it and she supports it, having seen today at my appointment that the depression is out of control...basically cried through the whole appointment even though there is NOTHING wrong! I'm not sad, upset, lonely, or anything, therefore I think it's all brain chemical related and these chemicals are not helping my brain. I'll have times nearly every day of crying for no apparent reason and they're really frustrating me. Life is actually peaceful, relatively, for once...why am I so miserable? Then I remember that I have inheirited a brain that probably is similar to my mother's brain, and isn't chemically balanced.

So far the best antidepressant for me has been Paxil, with Zoloft coming in second place.

But what I'm going to TRY to do is document the med change here on this blog, day by day.

Today: the feelings that led to the choice to change meds: Massive overwhelming depression with no rational or situational basis. Fantasies of dying in my chosen way. Fantasies of harming the property of someone who I don't really even know...and going so far as to go to a store to try to buy a large knife to do so. (which was basically the event that told me that it's time to change SOMEthing. Not being able to sleep, and then not being able to wake up, or not having a desire to actually get out of bed. Lack of hygiene and I'm not going into details on that one. Massive anger over tiny things that normally would not upset me. Worsened agoraphobia. New phobias that don't make sense...like being afraid of the ice cream in the grocery store. Seriously.

Time to go back to Paxil. :) Today, took 40mg of Paxil, 150 Effexor. Wish me luck.

New medication and psychotic attacks

I'm tired of all the insecurities and all the fear. I'm off work today, thank goodness or it woulld be awful....

I see a new psychiatrist now. She gave me a new presccription to try and knock down the voices. After 4 days on the new medication; the voices went from screaming, terrorizing, antagonistic and petty to nothing. The voices were telling me that I wasn't worth living and I should die. And any little or major pain that I felt at some point or other was pain that I deserved. The voices would make me feel raped in my anus and say that I could do nothing about it. They would say you are going to take this persons heart attack and then my heart would feel cramped. Those are just some of the things they did to me in the last few weeks. These kind of hallucinations are called " tactile hallucinations", that means that I can feel the hallucination itself. A really awful thing some schizofrenics go through. I feel them....

I couldn't take it anymore...the panic attacks were so awful that I don't understand how I make it through except for waiting for the Klonopin to start working.

My therapist told me today that I should write a book on how to cope with Schizophrenia...since I deal with the symptoms while I keep a job at 40 to 70 hours a week. And I was thinking reallly hard on it and deciding that I should but now as I write this I don't think I could. Just remembering the things the voices said to me and what they have done to me brings me down....too down...I think I don't want to live this way. I don't want to live. I got rid of the voices with the new prescription so things should be better but today I had another panic attack regardless of the new medication...so now I feel like it is all worthless and useless-----fear and terror will always be a part of my life and I can't stand the thought of it. I'm low...really, really low.

If things aren't better in an hour or two I am going to the hospital....it will be my first time in the psych ward.

Well, I have been doing okay with the schiz until the last week. I haven't slept in four days ...no more than 12 hours the whole four days. That could be because of the heat....but my voices say it is because, David, one of the voices and his two friends are keeping me geared up until I "come home" says the voices. I believed yesterday but I don't today. And Samantha is back with her grueling bit about my kids. Guilty conscience....regret ...the things that really get to me. I just wander how I will make it through work today. With no sleep and the voices so loud and demanding. I feel so powerless in my mind that I can't keep things settled in my head. But here I am typing this. Somehow I always make it through it. I am counting on it like I never have before. My therapist (a new one) says she is starting a group therapy and she wants me to help other schiz's learn how to cope and learn skills to cope with schizophrenia. I just told her what I do when I have an "attack" and she was kinda getting real excited....go figure...I sit for hours scared to death for my life and the psychiatrists and therapists are absolutely thrilled about it. They get this look on their faces like "Oh Goody!!! A real one...a real schizo". They have also changed my diagnosis to Schizoaffective, which means I have a mood disorder with the schiz like being Bi Polar. So I say "Great!". Now I am a paranoid Bi polar woman with Sciatica of the leg....

Anyway, I am discovering better ways of doing things and better ways of handling my schiz. When I have an attack, which is like severe panic and anxiety, terror and fear, being terrorized by the voices which make me think that they are in control of what I feel....no shit, I have felt that I was being raped very, very violently and have felt people stabbing me. The voices say tthat they are doing this to me constantly. I hear them now but they sound kind of off to themselves chatting and laughing together...doesn't seem to be about me...so that means I have to keep busy.

I recall the first voices I ever heard... I lived in Georgia and was 15 years old when I went around the house looking for my deoderant...the tv was on and I had my back turned towards it when suddenly I heard a voice say"You looking for something????...It's up there where you left it on the firplace." Not that I should have left deoderant there but I kinda shrugged it off. The next thing I heard was a few seconds later when the voices coming from the television said "Yeah, I can see you..." then I just left the room. It wasn't till I was 19 that I began talking to myself and in a delusion constantly. I thought of it as daydreaming but I seem to carry too extremes. Hell, "daydreaming" was the only escape I had from the misery of my life. Escaping started as like the first day I can remember ever in my life.....I was about 3 years old, maybe...almost 3...we lived in California and I had on a diaper or little panty's and my father was taking them off and he started touching me and I began dreaming I was far away in a grassy field to far for anyone to reach me...and I didn't like the touching.Eerieness, and feeling like if I moved I would break apart inside...scared in other words. Then my family moved us to South Carolina and the "touching and playing" went on for 6 years till I was about 9 years old. Then suddenly, Lisa, was there and I was free!!!! He didn't do it again. I wanted to tell Lisa but I was afraid she would not like me anymore. But even though daddy never touched me again like that I had the eerieness of the first time EVERY single time he was around. I only felt able to breathe anyway I wanted to when he wasn't home. Free to breathe....I could be just me then.

That's enough for now....Jen

I had a psychotic episode today. I felt that the drug people were putting this clear ball of bad feelings inside me and they kept hitting me with it. Everytime I felt the clear ball I felt depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore and I felt terror and fear. I couldn't breathe and I talked like I was out of my mind with the voices. I went to see the nurse and she told my psychiatrist what was happening to me and he prescribe Depakote, a mood stabilizer and more Klonopin 5 mg. I guess that the Depakote has to get into your system because I don't feel the things I am supposed to feel. Depakote is used for three things...Migraines...Epilepsy...and Bipolar...also for manic episodes with or without psychotic features. I have psychotic features. So we shall see what this drug does. I hope it works....

Where did everyone go?

No one is answering at Our Meeting Place....
This is my little Valentino. Ain't he adorable???

And things get worse...

This might not seem the right place to talk about health stuff but trust me, it has a definite psychological impact and also, I can't access the other blog anyway but this would probably be a bad month for it anyway, since February is coming fast. Or as we renamed it, F-U-ary lol...

I have to have a 'stress test' done and my doctor tried today to give me nitroglycerin to take for chest pain but I told her I didn't want to take that. It just has so many negative connotations to me. But I am going to allow the stress test even though I'm going to hate it. Because I am having pain and it does scare me.

Doctor (medical doc, I have one medical one now and one 'head' one both at the same clinic. I adore the head one so far, and tolerate the medical one) and I also got into a rather humorous discussion on age...she tried to convince the one who went to the appointment that I am 40 years old. Ok, I told her, granted the body might be 40 but *I* am nowhere near it (she was dealing with a 16-18 year old at the time) LOL she knows about the DID though so knows to never expect a routine conversation with me :)

Linda if you're out there, Goldie, my inner 5-year-old says she misses you (of course we all do, but she wanted me to pass on the message. She's the one who sat around the table with everyone and cut out construction paper with the scissors...and the one who most plays with the magnetic toys and stuff. She's one of the most outspoken of us. I think it's possible, after thinking about it, that she got named after the cat at River Farm, didn't we have a fierce tomcat named Goldilocks? She says we did and that he would lick two times and then bite you if you tried to pet him and that one time he tried to nurse on Daddy's nipple and boy did he fly across the room.

My darkest one is making more appearances lately probably because of FUary approaching. Actually I don't know what her personality is like, the only one who would know isn't someone that I can ask and he wouldn't tell the truth anyway most likely. I can't reach her inside, she's the only one that I know of that I cannot contact in any way, at least so far. And she is not sleeping right now, practically at all. Can only sleep deeply in the daytime and best if Dee is home to watch over us. At night we wander the apartment in frustration. Doctors have tried sleep meds, strong ones, but they have a reverse effect on me, leaving me feeling wired instead of tired...so it's just going to have to work through, I guess. But they know I'm 'in crisis' so they make frequent appointments for me and I'm going to get through this month. One way or another.

Well, Bekah's verdict is in...

It is Neurofibromatosis..there are some sites out there that show people who have it and tell about it. She has to go to Valley Children's Hospital soon for a lymph node biopsy. It's a pretty scary disease, but it can also be mild...but either way, it's gonna be part of her life forever now.

We soooo much did not need this to happen.

Something happened to me

I can't seem to get on the page to be able to view what Lisa wrote...but I can type in. Suddenly I heard loud voices constantly and started shaking so bad I could see straight. I went into some kind of attack crying hysterically and saying "I'm going crazy...". The voices were saying that I was like a lamb of God and I was supposed to take people's pain away from them. My foot hurt, my leg hurt...my hips and my head hurt. I felt so sick at my stomach that I got dizzy. The voices said I was going to die and that it would be a horrible death so that some other person wouldn't have to go through it. Then they started chanting that I would be a hero. I am definately not the hero type. My whole body was shaking. This lasted for four hours. I told my therapist about it and she recommended at least three days in the hospital.

So I told my boss about it and she got me three days off. I took it and ended up staying home instead of going to a psych ward in the hospital. I seem to be afraid of the hospital in the mental state I was in. It got to where I would forget the time and what I had done for the last 4 and 5 hours at a time. It happens when I get so caught up in a delusion or hallucination that my mind is almost completely preoccupied with the delusion or hallucination. Mostly auditory hallucinations.

After those three days I felt so relaxed and ready to go back to work...felt kinda clear minded. But when I got to work I felt like I didn't know what in the world I was doing there...what was I supposed to do and be doing...it took a good thirty minutes before I really figured out...that I was at my job and was fixin' to start work. I didn't dare tell my boss about it. She would've thought I just couldn't handle my job...I worry about that too. But all day long, for twelve straight hours I heard voices...alot of them. Like a whole group of people. Had the sense that they were watching me and criticizing everything I did or didn't do.

I truly, nowadays, live with the delusion that only SOME of the voices are from my brain and the other half are from people communicating through telepathy. That they are talking to me from faraway places like Florida, California, and Georgia. That these people can really see me and are afraid to admit that they hear the voices too. I get the feeling that my mother watches me at least once a day, lately. I feel that my Aunt Lisa hears me talking through "this stuff" as I call it. Maybe it is just wishful thinking and I miss them but I feel like it is really happening.

Well, I will update you later on my psychotic breakdown...at least I think it is what is happening...

I'm not doing well emotionally at all...

And the worst part is that there is no reason that I can see for me to feel this way. I can't sleep, can't think clearly and I'm hearing my insiders more and more. I go to a new doctor on the 10th (I think) and I'm going to have her re-screen me for schizophrenia but I already do know the questions that she would ask and I know that honestly I don't have the symptoms of it. It's just wanting to have something easier to find a medication to ease the trouble inside. The not sleeping is the worst right now, if I could sleep perhaps I would be less 'fraggy' which is what I call it when no one is clearly in charge of things inside of me. We've been without any type of therapy since we dumped our most recent doctor, and now I'll be seeing one doctor for my 'behavioral' appointments and one for medical stuff...I don't mind having it separated like that, it actually seems like it would be easier to handle and both doctors are supposedly really good, so that's not what's causing it.

Just found out today that apparently Rebekah, my granddaughter, has a condition that she inheirited from her father, called Neurofibromatosis, which basically means that her life is gonna be a whole lot more complicated than it should be. We're 90% sure of it, just waiting on the official confirmation from the doctor, but that's a technicality, the symptoms are very clear. If she had 6 or more cafe au lait spots on her body larger than half an inch, and one first-degree relative with it (mother or father, in this case her dad does have it as well as 3 other members of his family) and she was born with 3 spots and now has 17, which is what caught our attention and made us check it out. But even that isn't the cause of my stress, this whatever-it-is has been bothering me for about 4 days now. Since it started abruptly I'm inclined to consider it a 'switch', but it's not a comfortable one and I'm not sure who's in front right now.

Anyway, enough rambling, I just felt the need to talk. It's nearly 4 a.m. and I'm going to lie in the dark until I finally fall asleep.

A psychology teacher...

A few months ago, a psychology teacher, who came to my store, asked me a question. I have never really stopped thinking about it since. She asked "How do you not know that it isn't real?" I kinda realized right then and there that most people probably think that way about Schizophrenia and other Mental Illnesses. My first reaction was to ask her how could she not hear it...? But I said "You know, if it sounded like a ghost haunting, or just jibberish then I probably would know that it isn't real. But it sounds just like people I know and have known most of my life. And they talk about things that only that person would know about." I don't think she could understand at all. I hear my mother alot lately, I also hear my brother and my father....I don't hear my sister much because I guessed that she was always busy. I hear my Aunt Lisa, sometimess I hear my Aunt Linda. Each person talks about things that only they might know about ...about me anyway. The voices (as people would call them...I call them people or family) checks in on me sometimes or just has a light conversation with me and then goes back to their world. ...But I have come to the conclusion that maybe...maybe...it is just my brain assuming what that particular person would say or do about something. I miss my family a great deal and I need them but money keeps me from making those trips and work also. I can't even get to Georgia much anymore. Maybe I just miss and need them so much I hear them everyday.

Sometimes, the voices are like a warm comforter around me and I don't feel scared too much...they baby me when I'm sick...they tell me what to do in order to solve a problem...they scream for me when I fell scared for the moment. And my mind thinks everyone can hear it they just refuse to say they can because they would be called crazy. It is a delusion that has never gone away. Not even with the medicine. I don't feel that the "people" can SEE me much anymore but they can hear me if I will them to.

Other times, they are people I don't know very well and they are mean and nasty! They start telling me that someone in my family will have a wreck and get hurt or die. Stevie drives a tractor trailor so I worry about it to a breaking point, as well as, my step father and everybody who drives. I get paranoid about it and it last for hours. I am like a desperate person trying to save the whole world when these voices start up. It is like knowing that something awful is going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. You're kinda just sitting there waiting and watching to see if everything is going to be alright. Did I say the right words to stop this from happening?... will it work? In my Paranoid Schizophrenic world it is called "The Magic". "The Magic" can make anything possible if you use it right. If you use it wrong it will turn into a chaotic, terrible event. It's real hard to explain.

But most of the time now I don't hear many voices...I am too busy. I am able to look for the answers to the problems myself without the voices interfereing. Things are quiet nowadays. Even at work.


So to answer the question with my honest reaction....

How do you not know that it isn't real?

I can't help it but how can you not hear it. How do you not get messages through the television or radio? How come I do? It gets so loud sometimes that I can't hear real people speaking. I am learning loads more about my disease and I am learning that it is not real...the things I have heard for 19 years...the things I have seen or hallucinated... but then I have even seen my husband talk with his mind so many times...how can it not be real?

Pretty nice

I don't hear voices much anymore..a little delusional when I am not busy. But I feel as though I can think for myself and I don't hear the voices when I am just trying to think. Things are a lot better lately. So I think I am "mind settling" into my new position at work as Assistant Manager. Even after quitting the drugs, I don't think that I have ever been more proud of myself. I have started thinking of more goals for myself since I have achieved most of the goals I set for myself with my Therapist. I haven't come up with any since I DON'T want to be a Manager of one of these stores. I will have to think more on the goals... I am just getting to where I have hardly any voices....

I also have been trying a new thing for me...I am trying to train my brain into "learning" not to tlak to my voices and ignore it...the voices don't stay around much if I am totaling ignoring them. I am trying to relearn how to be normal. I can't say that zI would be able to come off the medicines...I need them to function..but with the help of meds I can live normally. Before this I was just taking them to calm down many of the symptoms like paranoia, feeling terrorized by voices, and fear that I felt just by living day by day. Since the brain is constantly learning I feel I may be able to "train" it into being normal...almost. I don't know how to describe it well...but I will be able to describe it after I am done.

What it's like to 'switch out'.

I've just started "therapy" (which I say with a tad of sarcasm since it's not ever enough to do any good, but anything's better than nothing, I know) with my newest doctor, who is being supervised by a doctor who has worked with 25 DID cases so far (my thought...'whatdya want, a medal?') and figured I'd try to describe how it feels to have DID. There are two different feelings. No, there are bunches. But I'll describe the two main things.

One is when I switch into someone who I don't share thoughts/consciousness with. Then, it's like absolutely nothing...like I've been asleep and I suddenly wake up in the middle of something, functioning perfectly well, at least to all appearances, but I have absolutely NO memory of the time that passed. That one is the rarest for me, since I share consciousness with several of my parts.

When I share consciousness with someone inside, and the switch happens, it can happen a couple of different ways. The easiest/gentlest way (and least common LOL) is for me to be in the middle of talking to someone for example, and suddenly I'm feeling an absolutely irresistable urge to say something that is NOT what I want to say, and it's an urge that cannot be ignored, and once I give in to it, for a few minutes maybe it'll be me and that urge, then I'm still kinda there, but it's like I'm standing behind myself, I can see what happens but I cannot control my body or my words. Sometimes there's tunnel vision, where all I can see is a small area in front of me, and I can hear the words being spoken like when you make a toy telephone out of tin cans and string.

Then there's the abrupt switch, which sometimes even happens in mid conversation with someone. Or worse still, what I personally call the "cluster switch", where everyone suddenly talks at once. Example...roomie asks..."What do you want for dinner tonight?" Me: "McDonald's-Wendy's-KFC-I'll cook something-Subway". Then I end up just looking at her and saying "Should we take a vote?" When those happen, there aren't any physical feelings really, just frustration that all the words can't come out at once.

The situational switch. I can be mild and calm, and if someone says or does something that I think is unfair to us in some way, suddenly I'm a raving lunatic (and keep in mind, I still absolutely do NOT NOT NOT swear. so this is the only way that my roomie can tell that Celeste has emerged) Most of me will quietly just take any abuse from anyone but Celeste will gleefully tell you to F*** yourself, and exactly where you should do it, and with what. She's ballsy. Makes me jealous. Except that a couple of times she's threatened to or attempted to physically attack someone....VERY uncool. (Though she wants me to add, they had it coming to them)

One thing in common to all the switching is the headache afterward, one that they haven't come up with a cure for yet. Right now my doctor is letting me try Midrin for it, with mixed results so far. Even Vicodin doesn't fix these headaches. They're right on top of the head, right in the middle...and so painful that I can't even describe it.

I think the main difference in my opinion between having DID and 'hearing voices' is that with DID, the voices don't come from outside of my head, they come from my mouth to the outside world. Each of 'me' has her own likes and dislikes, and lots of times they clash. Sometimes, like with Celeste's comment earlier, we hear each other's thoughts inside, or see them in what's called the 'Hall of Records' where we can exchange information (very necessary in order for us to have survived life without being detected for so long, and function in school, etc.).

Anyway, I can't really find words right now to describe more than that.

What it is like to "schiz out"...

Well, it all started with nightmares as my last post reads. But I am really schizzin' out. I hear strange sounds and words that echo in my head...and the voices are trying to convince me that it all has a special meaning. Such as...I was outside smokin' at work and I heard a loud telephone ring...the voices told me that I am going to get some very bad news and that is what the sound meant. The phone kept ringing and I was supposed to (as told to me by my voices) act like I was answering it and then call my family for real. I then became afraid to call them...afraid I would get some kind of bad news that I just can't handle now. So I didn't call anyone that day...family or anyone else.

I have been freaking out before work every morning and dread going to work...this is highly NOT normal. I dread being there and feel full of despair that I have to be there. At some points during work I feel suddenly that for some unknown reason I can't be there any longer...like I must leave right then and there. I am, of course, fighting all these feelings and am staying at work. But it seems like , to me, that i don't get anything done because I am always freakin out. So far, the customers only say something to me to get me to smile...which is very sweet, I love my customers for it. But I also get very upset inside when another customer walks into the store. I mean, I get mad...like...the nerve of this person coming in while I was trying to bag ice,...the nerve that they walk into this store! I hate them! That is what I am screaming inside while I am smiling and saying "Have a great day!" This is what I call schizzin out. I feel like the customers were just coming in to bother or keep me from doing something that I need to get done. Like it is a conspiracy! They are just doing it because they want me to have a bad day.

In truth, that is what the paranoid schizophrenia is causing me to think right now. But I take Geodon and its main effect is to help me to know what is just in my mind and what is really truly happening. So at the same time that I feel all this rage inside of me because of this conspiracy, I also SEE that the customers are there because we need them and they need something from the store...they don't really even know the things that I am trying to get done and they would even try to help me when they could..like lifting a 5 gallon bucket of ice into the Coke fountain. They are just being customers and I can see that but it doesn't stop the feelings of utter rage that I feel. OF COURSE...I DO NOT SHOW ANY OF THESE FEELINGS. I have to hide them and that has me realy stressed out. I really want to scream inside of me to everyone "Please straighten me out and straighten my poor racked mind out." I just want to tell God "PLEASE HELP ME!"

It just feels like I CAN'T keep working like this. But I can't quit work. I have to keep doing it always. I have been working 21 days in a row with only one day off. This is too much. Maybe I can't handle Assistant Manager but I WILL NOT go back to being just a cashier.

Nightmares, loud voices and frustration.

The nightmares began about 6 days ago. I have had a nightmare each night since then. They have all been different. In the day time I have loud voices like they are forcing me to listen to them. Sometimes I can't hear my customers at work because of them. They talk about the things they did to me like before I began medication. Taunting me to react to them. Such as:

"Remember what we did to you back then?"--"You are the opposite of us." " You take the pain of the world."

They tell me I am the Angel and that it won't rain because I am happy. But I am not that happy right now. I am frustrated. I can't sleep with these nightmares every night and the voices are so loud that I can't concentrate on my work. I can't hear my customers. I feel like my brain is just full of stuff all the time that I stay so confused.

I asked my Therapist yesterday to make me an appointment with the nurse. She will listen to what I say and then tell the doctor and then he figures out what to do about it. Like write a new prescription or something. I am kinda surprised that the voices aren't so loud this morning. I can write. I have sat down in front of this computer three times to write all this stuff down and then I couldn't because I get lost with the voices. I gotta go now.

A new voice...

He finishes the songs that I sing in my mind. Where I just think of the songs and sing a part of them..he finishes what I don't finish. He seems to be real nice but a NEW voice bothers me. The science of it means I am under stress and that is where the new voice comes from. Which I was under some stress thinking I had to prove I was worth the new promotion....THAT is part of my paranoid schizophrenia. I was paranoid that I would lose my job if I didn't prove I was worth the position. When in real life I had already proven myself worthy of the new position as Assistant MAnager before I got the job...that is why I did get the promotion. I had already proven myself...so I am a little backwards in my thinking. Alot of paperwork with this job. I mean alot.

Then I got paranoid that my boss was thinking I was stealing from the store...money and merchandise...because we were coming up short. But she had to fire one guy because it was him that was short all the time. I was paranoid for no reason. Just new job stress.

MOre stuff...

I thought I was doing real good through this crisis that I am having with my son. I made it through the actual ordeal without any symptoms except for talking to myself. But today I woke up feeling very paranoid and scared. I am scared for what will happen next time. I am also afraid that my son will try to hurt me. I keep hearing sounds like someoone is in the house and sneaking around. I not only hear the movements ..I feel like someone is there ready to pounce on me. I am afraid of my son today. I keep hearing stories of parents that were killed by their kids. What if Cory gets that way. I don't know if I can handle this today. I took my medication and it should help with the paranoia and the scaredness. It should also help with the sounds I am hearing. I feel like a sitting duck. And now I am drinking a whole bunch of coffee..that'll help!!! Sarcasm, again.

The voices and major moodiness

The voices were yelling at me yesterday...fighting over whether I was paying attention to them or not. They just wouldn't shut up. I tried hard to ignore it but I ended up losing the battle. They were so loud I couldn't ignore them. One of the voices...David...just like my ex boyfriend kept trying to ruin my life and said that he was the one making me miserable. He kept saying "You feel miserable today." ANd trying to hand me his father's heart attack so that his father wouldn't have one. His father is like 85 or something and has had 2 bypasses. David is a very evil minded voice. My heart felt like it was hurting most of the night. The bad part of schizophrenia is that sometimes you actually feel the pain of what the voices say they are doing to you. It keeps me paranoid. Anyway, I spent most of the night hurting in my chest. And today it started out the same way but it has since stopped. I guess I got my medicine in. You would think that since I take three 80 mg pills a day that it would stay in my system good...but that could be my paranoia also.

I wish thay would find me a replacement soon for the store I work in now. So that I could go to the new store. I am going to miss Marty but Shannon seems real cool. I am anxious to start Assistant Managing!! I think I will love it. To finally get somewhere in this company. The anticipation of the new position is probably what is making the voices become a problem again. I wish I could laugh for awhile. I just feel so flat mooded lately (the medication causes this). I don't seem to laugh or have any fun at all....I am not even smiling lately. Nothing seems to interest me except this promotion from work. I wander what to do. Any advice from anybody could help????