Well, that was as bad as it got. :)

I'm relieved, I talked a couple days ago to my doctor and she said I should be over the worst of it by now, and I feel fairly normal really, as far as not crying all the time with no reason for it, and my moods are more stable, and the agressiveness appears to be gone (thank goodness for that, bad things were gonna happen.)

Maintenance dose...Paxil 40mg.

If this is as bad as it gets...

Then I'll make it through it. I feel generally lousy today..kinda flu-like (typical for stopping an SSRI) and queasy. Taking dramamine for the queasiness, ibuprofen for the soreness, and a prescription migraine med (Midrin) for the headache which did get really bad for a while but has calmed now. The depression is ok, better I think than on the Effexor. I think I was reacting to it negatively like I did with BuSpar, but with BuSpar I couldn't even walk, this wasn't that bad and neither is withdrawing from it, at least so far.

Today: Paxil 40mg, Effexor zero so far.

Well, I was warned. *Smiles Weakly*

When they tell you that Effexor withdrawal symptoms can hit within hours of missing a dose, they're not joking, nope, not at all. I just keep telling myself...it's gonna be worth it...it's not gonna last forever...I'm stronger than the medication...

Now if I actually believed the things I'm telling myself, it might help lol. Thank goodness for DID/MPD right now, it's actually helping me get through this in some weird way. But it's already begun and it's nasty and depressing and ugly.

I'm walking around moaning "Oh Long Johnson, Oh Don Piano"...which won't make any sense at all unless you've seen the talking cats video that's keeping me sane right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV6DQuEh4UQ


Today: Paxil 40mg, Effexor stopped.

Goodbye, Effexor, Hello Again Paxil

I'm so scared about changing these meds even though I did ask my doctor for her permission to do it and she supports it, having seen today at my appointment that the depression is out of control...basically cried through the whole appointment even though there is NOTHING wrong! I'm not sad, upset, lonely, or anything, therefore I think it's all brain chemical related and these chemicals are not helping my brain. I'll have times nearly every day of crying for no apparent reason and they're really frustrating me. Life is actually peaceful, relatively, for once...why am I so miserable? Then I remember that I have inheirited a brain that probably is similar to my mother's brain, and isn't chemically balanced.

So far the best antidepressant for me has been Paxil, with Zoloft coming in second place.

But what I'm going to TRY to do is document the med change here on this blog, day by day.

Today: the feelings that led to the choice to change meds: Massive overwhelming depression with no rational or situational basis. Fantasies of dying in my chosen way. Fantasies of harming the property of someone who I don't really even know...and going so far as to go to a store to try to buy a large knife to do so. (which was basically the event that told me that it's time to change SOMEthing. Not being able to sleep, and then not being able to wake up, or not having a desire to actually get out of bed. Lack of hygiene and I'm not going into details on that one. Massive anger over tiny things that normally would not upset me. Worsened agoraphobia. New phobias that don't make sense...like being afraid of the ice cream in the grocery store. Seriously.

Time to go back to Paxil. :) Today, took 40mg of Paxil, 150 Effexor. Wish me luck.

New medication and psychotic attacks

I'm tired of all the insecurities and all the fear. I'm off work today, thank goodness or it woulld be awful....

I see a new psychiatrist now. She gave me a new presccription to try and knock down the voices. After 4 days on the new medication; the voices went from screaming, terrorizing, antagonistic and petty to nothing. The voices were telling me that I wasn't worth living and I should die. And any little or major pain that I felt at some point or other was pain that I deserved. The voices would make me feel raped in my anus and say that I could do nothing about it. They would say you are going to take this persons heart attack and then my heart would feel cramped. Those are just some of the things they did to me in the last few weeks. These kind of hallucinations are called " tactile hallucinations", that means that I can feel the hallucination itself. A really awful thing some schizofrenics go through. I feel them....

I couldn't take it anymore...the panic attacks were so awful that I don't understand how I make it through except for waiting for the Klonopin to start working.

My therapist told me today that I should write a book on how to cope with Schizophrenia...since I deal with the symptoms while I keep a job at 40 to 70 hours a week. And I was thinking reallly hard on it and deciding that I should but now as I write this I don't think I could. Just remembering the things the voices said to me and what they have done to me brings me down....too down...I think I don't want to live this way. I don't want to live. I got rid of the voices with the new prescription so things should be better but today I had another panic attack regardless of the new medication...so now I feel like it is all worthless and useless-----fear and terror will always be a part of my life and I can't stand the thought of it. I'm low...really, really low.

If things aren't better in an hour or two I am going to the hospital....it will be my first time in the psych ward.