I want people to understand better, but it's just so hard, because just talking about the subject often triggers switching and it's hard to keep up the flow of ideas. I'll see if I can describe it a little each time, perhaps that's the only way.
I have an inner 'system' of I believe 6. We range in age from pre-2, to my current age. Some insiders age, some don't. Some I have inside access to, some I don't. Each one appears to specialize by handling a particular emotion. Each has different likes and dislikes. There is one that when she is 'in front', I cannot remember anything from those periods of time no matter how hard I try. Each has a different name. When someone I can communicate with is 'in front', physically it feels like looking through binoculars to see what's going on right in front of me...I can see what I am saying and doing, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot control it. When it is someone that I don't have communication with but whose memories I can access, I don't know what they've done or said unless I go to a certain part of my mind and there I can access the information but it takes longer than just remembering something normally does. It's almost like watching it on a television screen.
There are times that things happen that are almost funny, when I try to look at them through an outsider's point of view.
Imagine that you're in an intimate, loving moment with your significant other, when suddenly your 5-year-old alter decides it would be much more fun to color or go play....lol, trust me, that's the end of that moment.
Or a problem that I frequently have...the one who goes grocery shopping with my girlfriend and helps picks out the food for the week is usually NOT the one who cooks it, or eats it. Which leads very often to: Me: "I'm hungry" Girlfriend: "We just went shopping yesterday, what do you want?" Me: "I don't like anything we bought".
We've learned...on occasions like Christmas or other gift-giving holidays, no matter how nice the clothes or other item she gives me, if there's not SOME type of toy involved SOMEone is going to sulk all night.
LOL TRY to win an argument with alters. Even I can't win. Imagine her frustration..."But you SAID you didn't mind (Insert topic of argument here)" Me: "SOMEbody might have said that, but *I* didn't say that." I have the same problem.
There are days where I'm what I call 'fraggy', where no specific personality is out long enough to be in charge and my emotions are all over the place. This happens most often if something's been going on that I can't decide how to deal with...different ones will try to deal with whatever's going on and then decide they can't and switch out, leaving me confused. These are the worst days, because I can't finish anything I start, can't follow conversations, can't keep up with appointments or what's going on in my life, and it's severely depressing. It's the most awful feeling I can imagine...inside physically it feels itchy and restless and frustrating.
And that's about as far as I can go on the subject today.
3 comments:
About the part of the love-making situation...I don't have a 5 year old wanting to color....BUT I have about 5 voices that talk as if they can see everything. It's like being in a sport event and having several people describe play-by-play every action. This definitely shortens the session and takes most of the passion and intensity away. Like I can't FEEL the sensations anymore-I only hear the voices. But thankfully I am with a man who understands and that is not the reason he married me. He even jokes about my voices...such as "Does your voices have orgasms too?" and "Let's see how many of them there are this time." God, I love him.
lol, joking about these things is the only way to survive them, I think.
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