Normality

Basically this week I feel pretty normal...a normal wife...a normal "feeling" parent and a normal working woman. I think my life would be quieter if I didn't work but then I would probably have more paranoia. I "hear" more voices at work then anywhere but I am more paranoid at home. I still feel like people are watching me and can see me undress, shower and use the restroom. It feels freaky but...not much I can do about it. I am coping with some depression this week. I seem to be getting haunted by memories of David and the kids. Especially right before I lost them. People say some things go away with time...but the desvatation of losing the kids has never gone away and the "haunts" of memories (not good memories) prolongs these feelings. I don't know whether it is normal to go through this from time to time after something devastating happens (I did not lose my kids to death but to Welfare) or if it is my schizophrenia. I lost my kids partially due to the schizophrenia and things I was doing and saying because of it and partially due to the fact that they were molested in my home. It was very awful and distorting for me to lose them. I said things to them that I don't remeber saying and to this day cannot believe I could have ever done that to them.....I never ever meant to. They know this now...THANK GOD. I never meant to hurt my kids. But it was alot of the things I was hearing in my mind and they were awful things. I ended up saying them to my kids. I can remember what it was I was hearing but I can't remember saying it to my kids. But I did and luckily Welfare saw it or else I would probably still be doing it. I didn't know that I had schizophrenia then...it wasn't something you talked about in front of people or even mention it to my family...you just didn't tell people you heard voices. I am rehearsing over and over again what I will say to my kids about the schizophrenia...my son knows but he doesn't know what I hear and he doesn't know much about it. So when I go to explain why they had to stay in Welfare custody....I just hope they forgive me and love me. My son does...we have a great relationship. But my girls are still in custody and I won't tell them about the schizophrenia until I am face to face with them...that way they won't think I am going to die from it or something.
This site is helping me so much. This is the place where I can let all my worries out. I can just write out all my gripes, worries, sorrows and other frustrations out.
I wanted to write this down too. I saw a T-shirt a while back that said "I was schizophrenic but we're all ok now" ... "we're" meaning all the voices...I thought it was cute and wanted to share it. Mel would never let me have a shirt telling everyone I was schizophrenic. He says he is not ashamed of it but he thinks it should be private. I told him about the things that I hear and he is starting to understand...he is literally the only person I can tell face to face and the only one who didn't freak out besides my Aunt Lisa...the other woman who writes on this site.
Well, why don't I explain what I hear lately...and it is not JUST hearing things. It is actually feeling things that are not happening - such as I feel like people are inside my head and it causes alot of tension and alot of paranoia. I feel uneasy and like I am never alone. And alot of times these people that I feel inside my head are fighting. It is like a bad marriage and the only thing these people want to do is argue and bicker at each other. I think I have mentioned this part before but I also used to feel as though I was being physically raped but I couldn't even fight my attacker off. He would just rape me and make himself feel huge and I could feel it...I was in alot of physical pain for months because I could constantly feel this. But the medicine stopped that stuff almost immediately. I take Geodon. But now I just feel like people can hear me and my husband making love. Because of this we are not making love so much lately. I have been smelling unpleasant odors that are really not there...we won't say what. The fighting in my head is what bothers me the most lately and that happens when I am late taking my medicine like last night. I am feeling alot better and I am not suicidal anymore. I don't feel worthless at all either. I heard about one woman who was schizophrenic and went to the hospital believing that the devil was turning her insides to liguid...she was feeling alot of pain and they had to admit her to the "psych" ward. So I am thankful I am taking my medicine regularly. I know that this all sounds absurd to you all but to a schizophrenic without medication it feels very real...the feelings are intense and extreme...please try to understand

I am realizing...

That I love to wake up in the mornings. Mornings don't seem to be as miserable as they used to be. I hated them before, I hated waking up in the morning...just to know I had another day to get through was the most depressing thing I could go through. Now it seems like it is another day forward to recovering my life. The days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and before I know it I am closer to my goal than ever before. My goal is to be able to function totally normal in life with all the means necessary to make it on my own. Then to save a little money and began to "own" things again. It is a little ways off but I am extremely close to it considering how I was 3 years ago.
Now that my depression is under control along with certain parts of the schizophrenia; I am able to keep my concentration for the most part. I remember trying to have a conversation with someone and my head would get so clouded with "voices" that I couldn't hear what the other person was saying to me anymore. Even just being a cashier, the customer would ask me something and at that very moment the "voices" would start up and I wouldn't be able to hear them. I remember asking one customer 3 times what it was he needed because I could not hear him. But now that I am on the Geodon that doesn't happen anymore.
Lately though, I have been hearing the fighting in my head for about 2 or 3 seconds each time I have heard it. It sounds like at least two people are fighting an arguement right inside my brain. Aggravating...I want to curl my head up into a corner somewhere. I am realizing that it is showing physically also...because I duck my head out of the way as soon as the fighting starts so I am sure I look rediculous doing it.
But for the most part I am functioning pretty well considering I am not fighting with "voices" anymore. It must have looked and sounded insane when I used to lock myself in my room and verbally fight with the "voices". It took me about 9 years to realize that I was the only one who heard them...now I try to ignore them.
The Geodon took away most of the paranoia and the hallucinations as well as most of the fighting in my head...so I am "controlled" (that is what I call it). I am functioning pretty well in the real world. I do not think that I need "Disability" or any other form of assisted income, for now. But, that doesn't mean that something won't push me over the edge...it seems that when I feel "uncomfortable"...even if it is just that I am cold...or a little stressed out...the "voices" get harsher to deal with and the paranoia goes into effect...it never fails. So I am working on other ways to keep me in a good frame of mind and keep myself on a "comfortable" schedule. It seems to be necessary.

Kinda a family diagnosis update...

Paula and I were discussing our diagnoses last night, and in the interest of keeping the family mental health history updated, here are her current official diagnoses: OCD (pretty severe), Social Anxiety (mild/moderate), Depression (moderate), Anxiety attacks (situational), Self-Injury (situational), and the biggie that leaves me feeling sad and frustrated, but I do believe it because of things I've seen...Dissociative Disorder (mild)...now, let me point out, that is NOT quite the same thing as Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is what I have. But she does dissociate when stressed, and cannot at this point control it. She's about to start either prozac or zoloft, either should be some help to her symptoms.

I wish sometimes that our gene pool could be closed up somehow or something. I just hope that it dilutes generationally over time. Thank goodness medications are getting better and they're taking these things more seriously now than they did when my mom was in treatment.

Sometimes...

I feel like someone has stolen pieces of my life... Like somehow my own brain is stealing it's peace of mind. There are times in my life when I can only recall the things I was "hearing" instead of what was happening in real life at that time. I can remembering "hearing the voices" and what they were saying to me more then I remember moments with my children. It is truly amazing how a brain can go on what seems like a crusade or go to another world without being on illegal drugs. I did not want to go to this other world but then --where my brain goes I, apparently, must follow.
My brain constantly tries to convince me that there is another way of living....a more powerful way... With the medication I take (Geodon) I am able to tell the difference between real and unreal. Without the medicine, it wouldn't take long before I couldn't tell at all and my mind would be a mess.
I remember times before June 2004 that I was in the house by myself argueing (real loud) to people that only I could hear and see. But they were real to me. And in June of 2004 I started to go to the Mental Health Center and was able to get help.
I really thought that I would get some "miracle drug" that would stop all of it at once, but it doesn't. I have come along way though from feeling like I was being raped...I actually could feel it--physically and emotionally (a hallucination). Hallucinations that you can really feel are absolutely the worst thing I could ever know of. Because when it is a hallucination you can't fight it off or fight back.
I was thinking about this yesterday when I noticed that, at least, I was only hearing things. At least, I can work. And at least....I am able to live controlled... there are still people who don't ever leave their house and can't work... most don't work.