That I love to wake up in the mornings. Mornings don't seem to be as miserable as they used to be. I hated them before, I hated waking up in the morning...just to know I had another day to get through was the most depressing thing I could go through. Now it seems like it is another day forward to recovering my life. The days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and before I know it I am closer to my goal than ever before. My goal is to be able to function totally normal in life with all the means necessary to make it on my own. Then to save a little money and began to "own" things again. It is a little ways off but I am extremely close to it considering how I was 3 years ago.
Now that my depression is under control along with certain parts of the schizophrenia; I am able to keep my concentration for the most part. I remember trying to have a conversation with someone and my head would get so clouded with "voices" that I couldn't hear what the other person was saying to me anymore. Even just being a cashier, the customer would ask me something and at that very moment the "voices" would start up and I wouldn't be able to hear them. I remember asking one customer 3 times what it was he needed because I could not hear him. But now that I am on the Geodon that doesn't happen anymore.
Lately though, I have been hearing the fighting in my head for about 2 or 3 seconds each time I have heard it. It sounds like at least two people are fighting an arguement right inside my brain. Aggravating...I want to curl my head up into a corner somewhere. I am realizing that it is showing physically also...because I duck my head out of the way as soon as the fighting starts so I am sure I look rediculous doing it.
But for the most part I am functioning pretty well considering I am not fighting with "voices" anymore. It must have looked and sounded insane when I used to lock myself in my room and verbally fight with the "voices". It took me about 9 years to realize that I was the only one who heard them...now I try to ignore them.
The Geodon took away most of the paranoia and the hallucinations as well as most of the fighting in my head...so I am "controlled" (that is what I call it). I am functioning pretty well in the real world. I do not think that I need "Disability" or any other form of assisted income, for now. But, that doesn't mean that something won't push me over the edge...it seems that when I feel "uncomfortable"...even if it is just that I am cold...or a little stressed out...the "voices" get harsher to deal with and the paranoia goes into effect...it never fails. So I am working on other ways to keep me in a good frame of mind and keep myself on a "comfortable" schedule. It seems to be necessary.
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