The brain knows when something is wrong!!!

I haven't been having too many problems with the schiz...since my increase in Geodon (which is a very high dosage) I rarely hear anything anymore and life seems very real to me...or maybe it all seems like a dream world because I don't hear many voices anymore...The one voice I do remember hearing was about two days ago and it said "She will have to learn to live without the voices now"... I was walking through the store and fixin' to bag some ice when I really started to realize I hadn't heard any voices in a while. I was thinking how quiet it was and how nice it was to be able to think without voices being snide about whatever I was thinkng about...they weren't telling me I was wrong, they weren't trying to make me sick and I was really thinking to myself without hearing a voice...I couldn't believe how "normal" I felt. Then one voice...there was one voice that said "No! Now she has to learn to live without the voices." It is really wild to hear something like that after all the nonsense I usually hear. But I have heard something like it before...back when I heard all this stuff..in the early days I use to ask the voices what was all the stuff I kept hearing...I would say " what is this shit?"...after hearing all I wanted to hear of it! More than once they have answered "Your brain" and I would think "well that's just freakin' crazy". Never in my life did I ever think that it actually was MY BRAIN!!!...it's freaky if you think about it...my own brain was giving me the true answer...like it already knew along time ago. I get cold chills thinking about it...my mind knew there was something wrong with itself BUT it NEVER said that I was schizophrenic... I wander if it works like a cars "brain" or the computer part of the car... it knows when something is wrong but can't quite tell you WHAT it is. Weird!!!

Had a 'bout with the schiz

Yesterday, I had a bout with the schiz. It lasted most of the day. It made me remember that I hadn't had one since I was on160 mg of Geodon. Now on 240 mg. But I made it through it...I even knew I would. So it wasn't too bad. Just a lot of voices and nonsense. By the time zI got my third dose of Geodon in it cleared up pretty good. The topic was the schizophrenia and my kids. Yes, I was worried about my kids. I even hallucinated that people were talking to me through their brains...mind linking. But I stayed at work and I felt good regardless. All my voices telling me how loud my brain was last night was a good laugh if you think about it...the voices sounded like they were trying to yell over the cooler fans...as if to try and force me to listen to them.

The Goedon seems to be working pretty good at getting rid of most of the symptoms. I have learned what to do to get rid of the panic attacks every morning. I will not take my Paxil until the afternoon. It was causing the panic attacks with the espresso I drink every morning..I guess that sharp waking up and the Paxil CR just don't mix for me. I haven't had another panic attack since I began to take it in the afternoon. I refuse to give up the espresso!!!!

I do realize that I need to see my therapist more. I can't seem to make it to the appointments. I always reschedule. She is good, I think.

Destiny

I feel like I am destined to be schizophrenic or something. Even when I am not in the mood to be a paranoid I get it anyway. A JOKE!!! These last few days have beeen exciting and boring at the same time. I am excited that my son is living with me and that I have custody...but I am scared to death that my daughters who are still in custody will never speak to me again. They are going to be SO hurt. I got a message ( like some schiz's get or think t they get) that I have to just be there for my daughters. It is all I can do. I feel so helpless. And devastated at the same time. When can they come home, Lord? But I am excited to have my son here...a whole lot of deep emotions which I am dealing with. Seem to be doing pretty good on the outside...functioning and all...

I also just had my meds increased which seems to be doing great on the voices and positive symptons but I feel dreary. And I know that means that the increase is not being tolerated well. Or maybe I just need to get used to it first...and then see how I feel. But if I don't start smiling soon..I think I might be fired...(retail). Someone is going to say something.

It hurts inside. I hurt for the girls. It hurts alot! And I feel like I don't even have the time to cry. I am not suicidal but I feel like I can't go on like this. This is a bad time to have to work 6 ten hour days in a row...and next week it is going to be 11 days in arow.

Increased again

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geodon to 3 pills a day. We are hoping it gets rid of the rest of the symptons. Yesterday was the first day I took the increase. It seems to have gotten rid of the sudden sexual "surges" I call them. Nothing is more out of sync that standing at the cash register and suddenly getting a surge of sexual excitement..it was really getting on my nerves. I won't feel the full effects of the increase for a few days. But I can't wait. I hope I am able to think like a "normal". "A normal" is what we call people who don't have any mental illnesses and thinks normally.

I did win one for schizophrenics everywhere though...I won custody of my 17 year old son...well didn't actually win him...he was given back to me by the judge in the case. He said "It was admirable to see the determination and courage I had throughout these years". And something about progress. I was crying too much to remember everything. I believe in this judge but I might have to go against one of his orders...I have to think what is best for my girls. I am still thinking about it.