And things get worse...

This might not seem the right place to talk about health stuff but trust me, it has a definite psychological impact and also, I can't access the other blog anyway but this would probably be a bad month for it anyway, since February is coming fast. Or as we renamed it, F-U-ary lol...

I have to have a 'stress test' done and my doctor tried today to give me nitroglycerin to take for chest pain but I told her I didn't want to take that. It just has so many negative connotations to me. But I am going to allow the stress test even though I'm going to hate it. Because I am having pain and it does scare me.

Doctor (medical doc, I have one medical one now and one 'head' one both at the same clinic. I adore the head one so far, and tolerate the medical one) and I also got into a rather humorous discussion on age...she tried to convince the one who went to the appointment that I am 40 years old. Ok, I told her, granted the body might be 40 but *I* am nowhere near it (she was dealing with a 16-18 year old at the time) LOL she knows about the DID though so knows to never expect a routine conversation with me :)

Linda if you're out there, Goldie, my inner 5-year-old says she misses you (of course we all do, but she wanted me to pass on the message. She's the one who sat around the table with everyone and cut out construction paper with the scissors...and the one who most plays with the magnetic toys and stuff. She's one of the most outspoken of us. I think it's possible, after thinking about it, that she got named after the cat at River Farm, didn't we have a fierce tomcat named Goldilocks? She says we did and that he would lick two times and then bite you if you tried to pet him and that one time he tried to nurse on Daddy's nipple and boy did he fly across the room.

My darkest one is making more appearances lately probably because of FUary approaching. Actually I don't know what her personality is like, the only one who would know isn't someone that I can ask and he wouldn't tell the truth anyway most likely. I can't reach her inside, she's the only one that I know of that I cannot contact in any way, at least so far. And she is not sleeping right now, practically at all. Can only sleep deeply in the daytime and best if Dee is home to watch over us. At night we wander the apartment in frustration. Doctors have tried sleep meds, strong ones, but they have a reverse effect on me, leaving me feeling wired instead of tired...so it's just going to have to work through, I guess. But they know I'm 'in crisis' so they make frequent appointments for me and I'm going to get through this month. One way or another.

Well, Bekah's verdict is in...

It is Neurofibromatosis..there are some sites out there that show people who have it and tell about it. She has to go to Valley Children's Hospital soon for a lymph node biopsy. It's a pretty scary disease, but it can also be mild...but either way, it's gonna be part of her life forever now.

We soooo much did not need this to happen.

Something happened to me

I can't seem to get on the page to be able to view what Lisa wrote...but I can type in. Suddenly I heard loud voices constantly and started shaking so bad I could see straight. I went into some kind of attack crying hysterically and saying "I'm going crazy...". The voices were saying that I was like a lamb of God and I was supposed to take people's pain away from them. My foot hurt, my leg hurt...my hips and my head hurt. I felt so sick at my stomach that I got dizzy. The voices said I was going to die and that it would be a horrible death so that some other person wouldn't have to go through it. Then they started chanting that I would be a hero. I am definately not the hero type. My whole body was shaking. This lasted for four hours. I told my therapist about it and she recommended at least three days in the hospital.

So I told my boss about it and she got me three days off. I took it and ended up staying home instead of going to a psych ward in the hospital. I seem to be afraid of the hospital in the mental state I was in. It got to where I would forget the time and what I had done for the last 4 and 5 hours at a time. It happens when I get so caught up in a delusion or hallucination that my mind is almost completely preoccupied with the delusion or hallucination. Mostly auditory hallucinations.

After those three days I felt so relaxed and ready to go back to work...felt kinda clear minded. But when I got to work I felt like I didn't know what in the world I was doing there...what was I supposed to do and be doing...it took a good thirty minutes before I really figured out...that I was at my job and was fixin' to start work. I didn't dare tell my boss about it. She would've thought I just couldn't handle my job...I worry about that too. But all day long, for twelve straight hours I heard voices...alot of them. Like a whole group of people. Had the sense that they were watching me and criticizing everything I did or didn't do.

I truly, nowadays, live with the delusion that only SOME of the voices are from my brain and the other half are from people communicating through telepathy. That they are talking to me from faraway places like Florida, California, and Georgia. That these people can really see me and are afraid to admit that they hear the voices too. I get the feeling that my mother watches me at least once a day, lately. I feel that my Aunt Lisa hears me talking through "this stuff" as I call it. Maybe it is just wishful thinking and I miss them but I feel like it is really happening.

Well, I will update you later on my psychotic breakdown...at least I think it is what is happening...

I'm not doing well emotionally at all...

And the worst part is that there is no reason that I can see for me to feel this way. I can't sleep, can't think clearly and I'm hearing my insiders more and more. I go to a new doctor on the 10th (I think) and I'm going to have her re-screen me for schizophrenia but I already do know the questions that she would ask and I know that honestly I don't have the symptoms of it. It's just wanting to have something easier to find a medication to ease the trouble inside. The not sleeping is the worst right now, if I could sleep perhaps I would be less 'fraggy' which is what I call it when no one is clearly in charge of things inside of me. We've been without any type of therapy since we dumped our most recent doctor, and now I'll be seeing one doctor for my 'behavioral' appointments and one for medical stuff...I don't mind having it separated like that, it actually seems like it would be easier to handle and both doctors are supposedly really good, so that's not what's causing it.

Just found out today that apparently Rebekah, my granddaughter, has a condition that she inheirited from her father, called Neurofibromatosis, which basically means that her life is gonna be a whole lot more complicated than it should be. We're 90% sure of it, just waiting on the official confirmation from the doctor, but that's a technicality, the symptoms are very clear. If she had 6 or more cafe au lait spots on her body larger than half an inch, and one first-degree relative with it (mother or father, in this case her dad does have it as well as 3 other members of his family) and she was born with 3 spots and now has 17, which is what caught our attention and made us check it out. But even that isn't the cause of my stress, this whatever-it-is has been bothering me for about 4 days now. Since it started abruptly I'm inclined to consider it a 'switch', but it's not a comfortable one and I'm not sure who's in front right now.

Anyway, enough rambling, I just felt the need to talk. It's nearly 4 a.m. and I'm going to lie in the dark until I finally fall asleep.