Nightmares for 2 weeks!

I have had the worst nightmares again. They wake me up every hour and a half to two hours. I can't sleep so good. It's because I couldn't get my Paxil CR filled until today. I should sleep tonight though.

I had surgery done on my back on December 26th, 2008 and it went great...no pain. But the voices keep telling me they are giving me all their pain. My left side started hurting and my right leg. And then after I finally got my meds filled this morning, the voices and the pains went away. I feel so much better. AMEN and THANK GOD to doctors and psychiatrists.

Not sleeping...

I can't sleep lately. But I can sleep during the day. I have my meds back and they keep me low but I am not sleeping. I have even taken a few sleeping pills...nothing.

Crazy world I lived in...

I was out of meds for 6 days and it was grooling. I had nightmares every time I fell asleep and I was very delusional and hallucinating at the same time. I could barely sleep for a couple of hours at a time and every time I fell asleep I would have a crazy nightmare. The voices kept saying that they were keeping me up because they wanted me to go crazy and have a nervous breakdown. I actually think that I did have a nervous breakdown. I went on Sunday to drive my daughter back to Georgia and I couldn't stop shaking. I was shaking on the inside and the outside. I felt sick too. I don't know how I made but I had to pull over about 4 times ands sit in the car until I thought I could go on. I would just sit there for about 45 minutes at a time. All I could tell Tina was that I was really sick. But aftewr that, when I got home, I layed down in bed and could not hardly move for about 4 days. Mel knew I was sick or something. I hurt everywhere and the voices were terrible. Maybe I was just sick but Lord that was hard.

Well on the fifth day I felt better and even had the energy to clean the house.

Wellbutrin....

I am not too sure if the Wellbutrin is working or not... the first month I tried it I started acting like a human and even had more energy but I don't seem to get that now. I had suicidal thoughts this afternoon. Just for a few minutes but still. I could just see me lying on the couch asleep for the rest of my life...unhappy, and the voices have been terrible the last four days. They slacked off today.

Well, I know that now that the IT classes will start Monday...I am looking forward to it.

Something is wrong with me....

I can't seem to stay awake and I feel like all my muscles just don't work anymore. I'm not taking Klonopin in the mornings like I was prescribed (one in the morning; one at night) because I would sleep until 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I only take Paxil Cr and Depakote in the mornings now. I feel so lazy that I just don't have any energy. This depresses me so much. I am going to see my physical doctor about this and then address my psychiatrist about it. I have never been lazy like this...it is rediculous. I hope I don't have cancer or something. I have been having sharp stabbing pains at the left ovary and my left leg stays in pain.

I will post when I find out something.

Almost did it last night.

The only thing that stopped me was that I sat down on the ground to wait a bit and I was too fat to get up in time...mental note, next time don't sit down. After a while it became funny in a sick way, but definitely funny, and I just went home.

I have my suicidal days too...

I've gotten as far as having a definite plan outlined in my mind for when the time comes. No pills, that's not reliable and could just leave you embarrassed or comatose. No knives or guns either, not reliable enough either. My way is absolutely foolproof, and just knowing that keeps me from doing it in some strange way. It's like it's always there, if I need it, but nothing so far has been quite bad enough to need it. I think it's more of a feeling of knowing that I could control it if I absolutely had to that helps.

Suicidal...

If y'all don't know already I go to a Mental Health Clinic of this county. (No need to name it). The psychiatrist sees you for a grand total of 15 minutes maximum and that is to get medicine and refills and you see a therapist for all that you need to talk about. Well, my therapist likes to talk about her family problems and such. I like her as a person; she is great, but as a therapist she sucks. She had the nerve to ask me why I was suicidal...REALLY!!! How the hell am I supposed to know I feel this way for no reason as far as I am concerned.
I dream of taking the whole bottle of Geodon I have plus other meds. I feel like I am barely hanging on. I am scared to death my daughter will see it and know about it...So now anyway, my husband, who is literally my life saver through this is setting me up with a REAL psychiatrist. One who listens to your problems and then decides on advice to give you from 12 years of schooling not two years of tutoring. This has got to work. I'm at the end here. I'm desperate.

Depression

Dee's job may be closing sometime in the next year. Or it might not be. Depends on who you believe, but it made the front page of the newspaper so it's not just rumors. That happens, we live on my $856 a month. This is the first place I've lived that's felt like home in ages, and I'm scared to death that we'll lose it. Not only that, but it's actually a very cheap rent for this area, and finding another place is extremely hard. I'm fighting it but the depression is taking over and I'm already hating 2008.

My Paxil keeps me alive.

We didn't have any money so I didn't have any signs of a birthday. Shouldn't matter, I know...but it does. I guess on the bright side, no cake means no calories, right?

Whatever.