My Voices

I wish you could have what I have if you're going to have something, because what I have is at least funny at times. I've got one insider who makes sarcastic comments, but they're always funny and she's kept me going when I didn't think I could a few times. I've got one who's only about 2 years old and is obsessed with trains and ice cream. There's one who communicates only in songs/music...she'll play just the right song inside for the situation and she does have a sense of humor also.

The hard part for me at least is knowing that it isn't going to change. That they're with me as long as I'm around and dissociative voices cannot be controlled by medication, not even the new antipsychotics. I hear them and I know who they are, and that they're inside my head, and I've always known that is where they were, and basically that's the difference between what you have and what I have.

My therapist says if I'd had therapy when I was young (real therapy, not counseling) I could have learned to live somewhat normally maybe, but now it's hard-wired into me to cope this way and truthfully I can't imagine coping without them. It's weird to me to look back on life and realize you all know them, most of them anyway, you just don't know that you met them.

The only harmful thing they tell me to do ever is to cut, and I've really slowed down on that so it's only maybe once a month if even that. Right now I'm so stressed, our propane is off and we had to do Christmas for Paula and Bekah and that took most of what we had. I couldn't see disappointing Bekah so Santa came to her and gramma took lots of deeeeep breaths and Klonopin that day.

I just wish your voices were kind and funny to you like mine are for me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone really, but it's hard to hear that your voices aren't kind to you.