MOre stuff...

I thought I was doing real good through this crisis that I am having with my son. I made it through the actual ordeal without any symptoms except for talking to myself. But today I woke up feeling very paranoid and scared. I am scared for what will happen next time. I am also afraid that my son will try to hurt me. I keep hearing sounds like someoone is in the house and sneaking around. I not only hear the movements ..I feel like someone is there ready to pounce on me. I am afraid of my son today. I keep hearing stories of parents that were killed by their kids. What if Cory gets that way. I don't know if I can handle this today. I took my medication and it should help with the paranoia and the scaredness. It should also help with the sounds I am hearing. I feel like a sitting duck. And now I am drinking a whole bunch of coffee..that'll help!!! Sarcasm, again.

The voices and major moodiness

The voices were yelling at me yesterday...fighting over whether I was paying attention to them or not. They just wouldn't shut up. I tried hard to ignore it but I ended up losing the battle. They were so loud I couldn't ignore them. One of the voices...David...just like my ex boyfriend kept trying to ruin my life and said that he was the one making me miserable. He kept saying "You feel miserable today." ANd trying to hand me his father's heart attack so that his father wouldn't have one. His father is like 85 or something and has had 2 bypasses. David is a very evil minded voice. My heart felt like it was hurting most of the night. The bad part of schizophrenia is that sometimes you actually feel the pain of what the voices say they are doing to you. It keeps me paranoid. Anyway, I spent most of the night hurting in my chest. And today it started out the same way but it has since stopped. I guess I got my medicine in. You would think that since I take three 80 mg pills a day that it would stay in my system good...but that could be my paranoia also.

I wish thay would find me a replacement soon for the store I work in now. So that I could go to the new store. I am going to miss Marty but Shannon seems real cool. I am anxious to start Assistant Managing!! I think I will love it. To finally get somewhere in this company. The anticipation of the new position is probably what is making the voices become a problem again. I wish I could laugh for awhile. I just feel so flat mooded lately (the medication causes this). I don't seem to laugh or have any fun at all....I am not even smiling lately. Nothing seems to interest me except this promotion from work. I wander what to do. Any advice from anybody could help????

Paxil CR 37.5 mg

I took my first of the new increased dosage of Paxil. One pill and I can feel the difference. Some people say that the drug Paxil has to get into your system for about a week before it begins working...but I can tell the difference now. The tears aren't coming to my eyes every few minutes. I guess I will really notice the change in about a week though. My voices haven't told me to "DIE" lately. But I also bet that the Lorecet has something to do with that too. I am feeling a little better...noticeable difference.

I set some goals for me a while back. Goals for my future and for my health. I am pretty close to the denture part of the goals. My teeth are bad. They are broken and full of big cavaties. I have had 3 teeth removed and with have 3 more removed soon. Then there aren't too many left until January when the Dental Insurance kicks in for the denture coverage. Then I will have a set of top side dentures. That is one goal that is being realized slowly but surely. I don't want it all done at once. Another goal was to become an Assistant Manager of one of the convenience stores I under. I am like two weeks away from that goal....Thank God!!! Now I will feel I am actually getting somewhere in this career that has CHOSEN me ...I am finally going to be a little somebody. Then after that...about two years or so...maybe I will be able to manage a store of my own. MAYBE... It might be too much though. After all I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic. Like it is barely a handicap.

I just had to start living with the schiz and not living the schiz! I wish some of those other schizophrenics were able to live like I do. I actually feel as though I am normal with these little problems that occur in my brain. They do occur everyday but it is a lot less than what it was without the medicine. Without the medicine I was getting worse by the day and I was literally psychotic for a long time. Thank God I am non-violent.

I feel like maybe I could handle a manager's position but then there is an amount of stress that goes with the job.

Anyway, I also feel as though I HAVE A LIFE!!! Not like I live in this world where people order each other's sicknesses out of evil-mindedness. Or that some system is contrlling my every move. It even knows what I will have to do at a certain time....or at least I used to think it did. Now I have none of those delusions. None of the big delusions that make me very crazy and tormented!!!

I have alife, a love, and a family that loves me and I love them...everyone of them!!!

My Psychiatrist

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of anidepressant because I was hearing voices telling me to die. I would just be doing something like fixing myself some coffee and the word would form from my lips and then I would hear it..."die" or "choke" or "wreck". I was a little paranoid about it but not too bad.

I was working 50 and 60 hours a week...alot of overtime. I also had been thinking that all I ever do is work and I guess I was making myself depressed. I may have to work tomorrow too. It is supposed to be my day off though.

I am going to be an Assistant Manager for another store (convenience store). And I am thinking that until I learn everything and it becomes easy for me..I will have more symptoms due to stress. But as long as I can concentrate I should be alright.

My birthday is today and I feel somewhat low about my age, 34, but kinda had a good birthday so that makes up for it. 34...34...and fat. 185 lbs. I usually don't eat candy bars much but lately I have taken a liking to "Heath" candy bars...NOT GOOD for weight!!!

I guess I am just not satisfied with myself lately. I can do it...I know I can...I have done it several times but I have also gained the weight back too. I stay busy and I hardly ever get a chance to just sit down. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not satisfied with me and I need to change that. I am not saisfied that I still smoke or what I eat. How much exercise I get. So I need to work on it more....

Oh goody!!!...New symptoms! (sarcasm)

Well, for the last two day I can feel bolts of energy pass through me. It feels like at random...a surge of electricity pass through parts of my body. Like...my chest, one side of my brain, or my arms and stomach. It is scary. I have never felt this symptom before. It was doing it pretty frequently for two days then it went away some timee yesterday. And the voices are pretty regular lately. Sometimes yelling and loud. It was all brought on by the fact that someone came into our house and stole some things valuable to us...someone came into our house...
Now I am so paranoid I lock the doors when we are all home or when I am alone or when no one is home. I am having nightmares about it also. My husband and I are both having nightmares. We each had a nightmare at the same time. They were a little different in likeness but it was about someone being in the house who shouldn't be there...someone trying to hurt us. That is all I wanna say about this right now.

The brain knows when something is wrong!!!

I haven't been having too many problems with the schiz...since my increase in Geodon (which is a very high dosage) I rarely hear anything anymore and life seems very real to me...or maybe it all seems like a dream world because I don't hear many voices anymore...The one voice I do remember hearing was about two days ago and it said "She will have to learn to live without the voices now"... I was walking through the store and fixin' to bag some ice when I really started to realize I hadn't heard any voices in a while. I was thinking how quiet it was and how nice it was to be able to think without voices being snide about whatever I was thinkng about...they weren't telling me I was wrong, they weren't trying to make me sick and I was really thinking to myself without hearing a voice...I couldn't believe how "normal" I felt. Then one voice...there was one voice that said "No! Now she has to learn to live without the voices." It is really wild to hear something like that after all the nonsense I usually hear. But I have heard something like it before...back when I heard all this stuff..in the early days I use to ask the voices what was all the stuff I kept hearing...I would say " what is this shit?"...after hearing all I wanted to hear of it! More than once they have answered "Your brain" and I would think "well that's just freakin' crazy". Never in my life did I ever think that it actually was MY BRAIN!!!...it's freaky if you think about it...my own brain was giving me the true answer...like it already knew along time ago. I get cold chills thinking about it...my mind knew there was something wrong with itself BUT it NEVER said that I was schizophrenic... I wander if it works like a cars "brain" or the computer part of the car... it knows when something is wrong but can't quite tell you WHAT it is. Weird!!!

Had a 'bout with the schiz

Yesterday, I had a bout with the schiz. It lasted most of the day. It made me remember that I hadn't had one since I was on160 mg of Geodon. Now on 240 mg. But I made it through it...I even knew I would. So it wasn't too bad. Just a lot of voices and nonsense. By the time zI got my third dose of Geodon in it cleared up pretty good. The topic was the schizophrenia and my kids. Yes, I was worried about my kids. I even hallucinated that people were talking to me through their brains...mind linking. But I stayed at work and I felt good regardless. All my voices telling me how loud my brain was last night was a good laugh if you think about it...the voices sounded like they were trying to yell over the cooler fans...as if to try and force me to listen to them.

The Goedon seems to be working pretty good at getting rid of most of the symptoms. I have learned what to do to get rid of the panic attacks every morning. I will not take my Paxil until the afternoon. It was causing the panic attacks with the espresso I drink every morning..I guess that sharp waking up and the Paxil CR just don't mix for me. I haven't had another panic attack since I began to take it in the afternoon. I refuse to give up the espresso!!!!

I do realize that I need to see my therapist more. I can't seem to make it to the appointments. I always reschedule. She is good, I think.

Destiny

I feel like I am destined to be schizophrenic or something. Even when I am not in the mood to be a paranoid I get it anyway. A JOKE!!! These last few days have beeen exciting and boring at the same time. I am excited that my son is living with me and that I have custody...but I am scared to death that my daughters who are still in custody will never speak to me again. They are going to be SO hurt. I got a message ( like some schiz's get or think t they get) that I have to just be there for my daughters. It is all I can do. I feel so helpless. And devastated at the same time. When can they come home, Lord? But I am excited to have my son here...a whole lot of deep emotions which I am dealing with. Seem to be doing pretty good on the outside...functioning and all...

I also just had my meds increased which seems to be doing great on the voices and positive symptons but I feel dreary. And I know that means that the increase is not being tolerated well. Or maybe I just need to get used to it first...and then see how I feel. But if I don't start smiling soon..I think I might be fired...(retail). Someone is going to say something.

It hurts inside. I hurt for the girls. It hurts alot! And I feel like I don't even have the time to cry. I am not suicidal but I feel like I can't go on like this. This is a bad time to have to work 6 ten hour days in a row...and next week it is going to be 11 days in arow.

Increased again

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geodon to 3 pills a day. We are hoping it gets rid of the rest of the symptons. Yesterday was the first day I took the increase. It seems to have gotten rid of the sudden sexual "surges" I call them. Nothing is more out of sync that standing at the cash register and suddenly getting a surge of sexual excitement..it was really getting on my nerves. I won't feel the full effects of the increase for a few days. But I can't wait. I hope I am able to think like a "normal". "A normal" is what we call people who don't have any mental illnesses and thinks normally.

I did win one for schizophrenics everywhere though...I won custody of my 17 year old son...well didn't actually win him...he was given back to me by the judge in the case. He said "It was admirable to see the determination and courage I had throughout these years". And something about progress. I was crying too much to remember everything. I believe in this judge but I might have to go against one of his orders...I have to think what is best for my girls. I am still thinking about it.

The "negatives"

I am dealing with alot of the "negative" symptons of schiz. The feelings that are being caused from it. I feel excited, scared, etc. Negative symptons are things like depression, tiredness, being afraid, paranoid, etc. Positve symptons are "talking to myself", hearing things, etc. I do not like the phrase "talking to myself"...it really bothers me. Because to me, I am hearing people talk to me and I am in turn answering or talking to them...talking to the voices...At no time am I talking to myself...it just looks that way. That's like...well see...to other people it would seem as though I am "hearing voices" but they are not "voices" to me. They are people with names and attitudes and they are in my life everyday...I NEVER see them as voices...Oh, I have tried to just tell myself "it is just voices" but I can't. They are real to me...with real problems and real fears. If I start to try to acknowledge them any other way; then I have the thoughts that I am "crazy" to handle with it. I do not think of myself as crazy, insane or psychotic...which is scientifically what I am. If I begin to think of myself as crazy, psychotic, etc.... I feel like everything that I am trying to accomplish is going to be all for nothing because it is only a matter of time before I have to end it and draw my check every month. Which is where I am ultimately going to be someday. Thinking of the scientific terms just make me feel like I am working HARD to get nowhere fast...it would all be for nothing. I am realising how hard I have try to hide everything. Because if my boss saw it ( which he DOES know about the schiz), I mean saw everything, then what would he do? I am getting depressed just thinking about it. I am crazy...but I am making it.

"Psychotic Features" was what they said I had. In psych it means to hear or see things that are not real. Psychotic Features... Damn... What a way to have to live...How in the world could it be so damn hard to get through...This is not something that is going away...EVER. All that time believing it was real...fighting with them...trying everything in the world to get them to go away...and it is not going away. Sometimes, I feel so afraid that I can't talk or think, I just sit there and feel this damn petrifying feeling for no reason. There is not even a thought of why this is happening..the feeling is just there. I get so scared that I can't hear the voices talk to me anymore..like my brain just shuts off. I am consumed with this fear. DAMN!I really feel like it is a matter of time before I am completely off my rocker and not able to work. But right now I work...I hope it ain't all for nothing..I had a whole career planned...........

I am completey scared right now

I am so scared that my soul feels like it is hurting...all the way to my fingertips. You know the feeling like your you know someone is going to break your heart or that you are afraid that they will...so you become so anxious and paranoid about it that you can already feel your heart break. That is what it feels like. Sometimes I get paranoid that I am not breathing right and I have to find someway to get fresh air. People are talking to me again with their brain stems. They brain link and say "Are you Jennifer McDonald?" I even answer them sometimes. But I don't think that I am under any stress. There are some people that call me names like "nigger", "slut" and "bitch". I hear it all the time. I heard my husband say "you look ugly and you are fat". Oh, by the way, I am white. The south...gotta love it. *sarcasm*!! I told my voices that the only time I get these panic attacks are when I am at home...had two at work though, my voices said that something must be wrong at home, then. I can't say what it could be. Sometimes, I think I should really look to see what it is and IF there is anything wrong at home...but then I think I may be asking for more problems...It all really started when Mel got the call that he had cancer. Sometimes, I just don't feel comfortable here since then. I think I am in fear that it will all fall apart. But I will stick with Mel through everything. I love him.

Vacation

I took a part of my vacation from work this week. I got alot done. I am not having too much trouble out of the schiz this week, so far. Mel doesn't have Cancer for now anyway. It'll be three more years before we know again. But it looked good.

I am now going to go to bed and just lay there. Maybe sleep, maybe not. Where ever my vacation takes me is where I am going to go. Just staying at home with know time line on anything. I kinda have a headache but I am sure it is because I was out in the sun and heat most of the day. Feels good to be outdoors. Good night...

Oh, I did watch a movie tonight named "Troy". It was great but afterwards I felt like my brain was "linked" to Brad Pitt..who does show his buttocks in the movie..wheeeeweee!!! That is about the only episode of the schiz that I had...and wouldn't you know it...I had to use the restroom while he linked...gross!!! Mostly, though, when I watch a movie that I relly get into, I always feel like I am getting "brain-links" from the actors in the movie and we discuss the movie. Just another part of the schizophrenia.

I would also like to say that this site has been up for a year now. This month marks a year of my schizophrenic and mental illness blog. I am excited even though no one else has joined...I still believe that it is a good idea. I have two support groups that I go to every now and then. One of them is schizophrenia.com and the other is support4hope.com. The first one is only for schizophrenics but the second one is for ALL mental illnesses. Schizophreia.com is more to let you speak your mind as long as you don't try to get other people to stop taking their medicines. That's a "no-no"! And support4hope.com will not let you discuss suicide or feelings of suicide. Each one has it's purpose for me. But lately, I have been trying to live WITH the paranoid schizophrenia, instead of LIVING it. which means the schizophrenia is not on my mind all the time anymore...or the issues that it causes with me. It is more like living with a disease that is treatable...you live your life AROUND it and with it. You don't make the disease and every part of it the only thing you think about anymore. I will not let it disable me!!! I can't live my life afraid of everything like some people do. Don't get me wrong...other schizophrenics can't help it...but I think my "common sense" is over powering my schizophrenia. Or hell, the medicine just might be working better since the psychiatrist upped my dosage. I reallly have to admit that to myself. But common sense has a lot to do with the schiz not disabling me completely.

Now, since I am on the schiz subject, my mind is now trying to tell me that my voices caused this headache. That they (the voices but to me they are people) are trying to make me sick on my vacation. But I reallly think I was out in the sun too much today. So now, I am going to go lay down....

"Walking Away"

I had another bad bout of the schizophrenia. I cried most of the morning and then half of the afternoon I felt as though if I could just start walking down the street and not say a word to anyone everything would be fine...just disappear. These are dangerous...I would say that these are my "suicidal thoughts". See, let me explain, if a schizophrenic has suicidal thoughts it is supposed to mean that the person should be in the hospital and have their medications readjusted. It is suppose to be the "sign" that the medications aren't right and the person should go straight to the hospital if they are having suicidal thoughts. It means something is really wrong. So what they do is hospitalize you in the psychiatric ward and do a little manipulating with the medications for about 3 days.

The two times when I thought I should be in the hospital for schizophrenia, I wasn't thinking of suicide...ok, a little,....but I KNEW I wouldn't try it. I think that the extent of my "suicidal thoughts" is that I get a real intense feeling that I should just start walking down the road, without a goodbye or explaination and leave it all behind, then things would be so much lighter a load to handle. The intensity of wanting to do this is something pretty powerful. Like yesterday, I could see myself leave the store, (I work) and with every step my cares and my pain and my worries and all the stress began to lift off my shoulders....and I could see myself living alone...it seemed SO much an easier thing to do...could you imagine. I have an intense fear of showering...I feel as though people are watching me and I can't shake it..I could just imagine that I wouldn't feel forced to shower everyday anymore because I wouldn't be working... I would just be walking. No more feeling like someone is going to hurt me because they can see me everytime they want to. I live so scared of the simplest things. The idea just seems like heaven to me.

At the same time, I have this, also intense, feeling that I should be in the hospital that something is definitly wrong with me. I even took an extra dose of Geodon yesterday...didn't do anything. Everything felt so wrong inside yesterday, I knew that that was my sign to go to the hospital...I should have went but dammit I was just out of work two weekends ago for that toothache. It wasn't until last night about the last hour of work that I felt alright again. The next time I should probably go.

Pain

Been to the dentist. Had to have a wisdom tooth cut out of my head. Oh Lord, at the pain. It didn't hurt while he was gauging at it but it sure does hurt now. It is funny how serious pain can put you in a delusion or hallucination or SNAP you out of one very quickly. I was delusional when the tooth was abscessed and throbbing. But now that the tooth has been removed I am in a constant agonizing pain and I am not the least bit delusional, I think, anyway. I am questioning myself right now. Because I am remembring talking to people who AREN'T here again. I think I do this daily...it is like a second nature to me to talk with people I knew a long time ago. Weird, I guess, I have been delusional after all. Oh well...onward. I have pain killers but they are not doing the trick.

Time to go suck on a cigar...I guess anyone can tell I am a little sarcastic tonight. I haven't heard from my Aunt Lisa who just had surgery yesterday and I am frustrated about that and the damn hole in my gum the size of Canada!!!

Well, for once...

I get to write about a spectacular day. I had one yesterday...no delusions, hallucinations and barely a voice. And the voices that I did have went away, it seems, the second that they got started. I was busy all day and I got a lot of work done. It was wonderful. I haven't had a day like that in a while. It was soooo nice to feel normal again. I hope today is the same way. A little paranoid this morning because my mother and my aunt are having surgery this week and next week. But I guess that is normal to be worried that something might go wrong.

Oh, what I could do with my life if I could always have days like yesterday. Though I should never let the schizophrenia have control over my life like it has control over some peoples lives. I felt so much like myself yesterday...Please could I feel that way again??? I will try to make it...with the way I did yesterday. I did get to "see" how differently I reacted to the symptons that I did have. My brain just acknowledged the voices as nonsense and I began to stay busy again.

And today I will know how everyone is doing after their appointments later on today...so I will try not to think and worry about it until there is something for sure to worry about. Take life one minute at a time.

I realize...

I realize that I am doing things ALMOST normally. I said, in a post somewhere, that I have to learn to live WITH the schizophrenia; not LIVE the schizophrenia. I am doing somewhat better. I did have a relapse the other night...due to a toothache though. Something about having pain or an illness near my brain that really makes symptons extremely hard to deal with. It isn't just hard to deal ...it is like nearly necessary to go to the hospital. I couldn't coherently hear my customers for the roaring and yelling of the voices. The pain I was feeling seem to show itself through the strength of the volume of the voices. It seems that if I have a head cold the voices get really strong but seem scattered brain. It is like a lot of chattering about nothing. But if I am in pain, such as a toothache, the voices are real strong sounding and loud...like they are fighting against each other...almost like a verbal war.

But...

I was saying in the beginning of this post that I am starting to live WITH the schizophrenia instead of focusing on the schiz..I am focusing on my life. I am dieting and driving and cleaning the house and now I don't dwell on every little schizophrenic thought and reaction I have to it. The paranoia has lessened a good bit since I don't worry so much about the thoughts I have. Now I just need to get rid of the voices...especially the one named Samantha!!!!!!

Poetry

I was just deciding which way I was going to handle this last few days. Seems I can't shake off the feeling that everyone in the world can hear me. I know they can't see me though...I could actually muster up the nerve to walk around the house nude. Felt good.

I'm stuck in a delusion
Can't find my way out
Back to the real world
From this schizophrenic bout.

The voices they linger
Deceptive is the tone
Relentless and constant
When I am alone.

Got caught by a customer
Talking to myself
Yelling at the voices
To get the h*#l out.


Lord, what a week. As the week gets longer and longer...I had to work 6 days this week. The voices got louder and louder. And at times were very hurtful...even though they were lying. I have been having some gross intrusive thoughts...out of the blue something gross will go through my head. It might be because I read that schiz's can have sexual feelings suddenly for no reason...it's a part of feeling things that aren't there. I feel "twinges" for a few seconds then it goes away. I think it is gross because I am honestly not desiring any the to do with sex at the time.

The voices have also been quite insulting lately. Which keeps me in an attitude but then I decide I won't let it bother me...I didn't say so...there!!!

I forgot to call Cory this week...

Then, there is also the me that is afraid my kids won't love me if I don't call for a week. Sometimes, I just need time to get through the schiz days without too much emotion.The schiz days are the days when the voices won't stop bothering me and my mind. My mind gets so racked with them that doing too much of anything is a huge trigger for more problems. There are just some days that I have to do the things I have to do...like work..and just try to get through the schiz symptoms throughout the day as best I can. I supposed I should tell Cory about it and talk to him. It is just that if I add emotions to hearing schiz voices then it turns into one big auditory hallucination...I went from hearing a voice telling me that I don't love my kids, which is by thr way totally absurd and I won't pay much attention to it...to it becoming a whole auditory hallucination that the voices (note the word "voices") are saying things like "the reason your kids won't love you is because my kids love me and you are the opposite" and then a voice that says "My kids lived so that means your kids die in a car wreck". And it goes on and on from there. "then the voices try and PROVE to me that that is how the world works by saying something like "I'm happy, so now you are sad" And when I began to take an inventory of my feelings I realize that I am sad. So now it SEEMS as though the voices ways are working...and this is when I REALLY start to get paranoid. And I hear this stuff ALL THE TIME!!! It is just awful to hear stuff like this all the time...no wander I have major depression.The voices tell me if I wear black that means someone I know is gonna die. And the shirt I have to wear for work is a black smock...more paranoia. I can't believe I work like this...this stuff is constantly there. But that is just what is going on now...but with the Geodon it helps me to realize that it is not real and I don't live in an unreal place...work is real, Cory is real, Mel is real...And that basically I understand that my voices are full of CRAP. BUt I still hear it and though it doesn't bother me so much that I get depressed and suicidal anymore....it does bother me. It brings me down that I can't function like a normal human being. That even at work I always have SOOO much going through my head and have to try and concentrate on work also. It is HARD, Damn Hard!!!

It's a damn good thing...

...That I am not paranoid of the police anymore because the police have been trying to call us all day. Nothing bad, I'm sure...but...weird. I heared the phone ring earlier today and I looked on the caller ID to see who it was and it said "UKNOWN CALLER" so I didn't answer the phone thinking it was a telemarketer and left it ringing. Well the "UNKNOWN CALLER" has called several times today. So this time I answered and the voice on the other side said..."This is the Alabama State Patrol Office and I would like to speak to William". William is my husband's first name. Apparently, it was a "courtesy" call and he will call back later when Mel is awake. OOPS!

After those two first times of "hearing things", I didn't hear much more for a few years. I got married and was with Larry for 5 years. You know, it is a wander I wasn't hearing stuff then. Larry was physically abusive, you would think that would've brought it all on. But the next time I remember "hearing things" was after I met David. I fell in love with him and then learned he was a drug addict. I was only nineteen when I met David and turned twenty years old when I started using methamphetamines (Krank). If I remember right, one of the first times I had ever used "krank" I started seeing things. But it was just a time or two later that I began "hearing voices". It started with the radio one night...it played a new song by Robbie Nevel and to me it sounded like someone I went to school with. The radio asked "why did you cut your hair?". I had of course just gotten it cut a day or two earlier. I was shocked! There was no reason for that song to suddenly talk about hair. Then the radio said "I can see you from here." A few minutes went by and I started cleaning the kitchen. Then the radio said "You have to clean it within so many minutes or you'll get busted". Then after I got done with the kitchen...I was cleaning it as fast as I possibly could...I sat down because I was tired. The radio said "You have to clean the rest of the house, too. Get up or you will get busted". This went on and on ... and from there on out I was lost. Lost into a whole new world...that I believed everyone knew about but they never really discussed it. It was like we were not allowed to talk about it. No one would acknowledge the "orders" that they were given by "the power". The people had to do certain things to hurt me in order to get their "running medicine". "Running medicine" was this power that gave you the energy that never made you tired. You ran around and got things done and never got tired of it and anybody would do anything for it.

After a few years of this...I quit the drugs. I couldn't take it anymore. A voice told me or ordered me to "Put it down!!!". I knew it meant to quit the drugs. So I did. I quit for four years. And it quit. I didn't hear anything else for about four years. I had been drinking though. I took, literally, two drinks out of a beer on Thanksgiving Day in 1995 and left my house to go to the store to use the pay phone. I had a wreck soon after I left the house. I ended up ok but I hit my head on the windshield pretty hard. Cracked the windshield into about 25 split cracks. I started hearing voices after that. Without drugs. I believe it was right after that wreck..no more than a couple of days later. The voices went through the television, radio and when I turned them off and made it totally quiet in the house....then they went straight through my head. I could hear them inside my mind. They sounded like other people "thinking" straight to my brain. And that is where the grand delusion of "brain linking" was started. ....................See I know it is a delusion and a hallucination and it is my MAIN one but I can't stop it from happening. Everytime I forget about the voices and schizophrenia something will go through my mind like that and I am back to square one. It is like it won't let go of me. .......................Some voices have names and I have prayed to God to please stop this voice named "so and so" from talking to mee and it has stopped. And I have sat down and wrote in my diary about some delusions and they have stopped...but no matter what I do I can't get this delusion out of my head!!!!