A psychology teacher...

A few months ago, a psychology teacher, who came to my store, asked me a question. I have never really stopped thinking about it since. She asked "How do you not know that it isn't real?" I kinda realized right then and there that most people probably think that way about Schizophrenia and other Mental Illnesses. My first reaction was to ask her how could she not hear it...? But I said "You know, if it sounded like a ghost haunting, or just jibberish then I probably would know that it isn't real. But it sounds just like people I know and have known most of my life. And they talk about things that only that person would know about." I don't think she could understand at all. I hear my mother alot lately, I also hear my brother and my father....I don't hear my sister much because I guessed that she was always busy. I hear my Aunt Lisa, sometimess I hear my Aunt Linda. Each person talks about things that only they might know about ...about me anyway. The voices (as people would call them...I call them people or family) checks in on me sometimes or just has a light conversation with me and then goes back to their world. ...But I have come to the conclusion that maybe...maybe...it is just my brain assuming what that particular person would say or do about something. I miss my family a great deal and I need them but money keeps me from making those trips and work also. I can't even get to Georgia much anymore. Maybe I just miss and need them so much I hear them everyday.

Sometimes, the voices are like a warm comforter around me and I don't feel scared too much...they baby me when I'm sick...they tell me what to do in order to solve a problem...they scream for me when I fell scared for the moment. And my mind thinks everyone can hear it they just refuse to say they can because they would be called crazy. It is a delusion that has never gone away. Not even with the medicine. I don't feel that the "people" can SEE me much anymore but they can hear me if I will them to.

Other times, they are people I don't know very well and they are mean and nasty! They start telling me that someone in my family will have a wreck and get hurt or die. Stevie drives a tractor trailor so I worry about it to a breaking point, as well as, my step father and everybody who drives. I get paranoid about it and it last for hours. I am like a desperate person trying to save the whole world when these voices start up. It is like knowing that something awful is going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. You're kinda just sitting there waiting and watching to see if everything is going to be alright. Did I say the right words to stop this from happening?... will it work? In my Paranoid Schizophrenic world it is called "The Magic". "The Magic" can make anything possible if you use it right. If you use it wrong it will turn into a chaotic, terrible event. It's real hard to explain.

But most of the time now I don't hear many voices...I am too busy. I am able to look for the answers to the problems myself without the voices interfereing. Things are quiet nowadays. Even at work.


So to answer the question with my honest reaction....

How do you not know that it isn't real?

I can't help it but how can you not hear it. How do you not get messages through the television or radio? How come I do? It gets so loud sometimes that I can't hear real people speaking. I am learning loads more about my disease and I am learning that it is not real...the things I have heard for 19 years...the things I have seen or hallucinated... but then I have even seen my husband talk with his mind so many times...how can it not be real?

Pretty nice

I don't hear voices much anymore..a little delusional when I am not busy. But I feel as though I can think for myself and I don't hear the voices when I am just trying to think. Things are a lot better lately. So I think I am "mind settling" into my new position at work as Assistant Manager. Even after quitting the drugs, I don't think that I have ever been more proud of myself. I have started thinking of more goals for myself since I have achieved most of the goals I set for myself with my Therapist. I haven't come up with any since I DON'T want to be a Manager of one of these stores. I will have to think more on the goals... I am just getting to where I have hardly any voices....

I also have been trying a new thing for me...I am trying to train my brain into "learning" not to tlak to my voices and ignore it...the voices don't stay around much if I am totaling ignoring them. I am trying to relearn how to be normal. I can't say that zI would be able to come off the medicines...I need them to function..but with the help of meds I can live normally. Before this I was just taking them to calm down many of the symptoms like paranoia, feeling terrorized by voices, and fear that I felt just by living day by day. Since the brain is constantly learning I feel I may be able to "train" it into being normal...almost. I don't know how to describe it well...but I will be able to describe it after I am done.

What it's like to 'switch out'.

I've just started "therapy" (which I say with a tad of sarcasm since it's not ever enough to do any good, but anything's better than nothing, I know) with my newest doctor, who is being supervised by a doctor who has worked with 25 DID cases so far (my thought...'whatdya want, a medal?') and figured I'd try to describe how it feels to have DID. There are two different feelings. No, there are bunches. But I'll describe the two main things.

One is when I switch into someone who I don't share thoughts/consciousness with. Then, it's like absolutely nothing...like I've been asleep and I suddenly wake up in the middle of something, functioning perfectly well, at least to all appearances, but I have absolutely NO memory of the time that passed. That one is the rarest for me, since I share consciousness with several of my parts.

When I share consciousness with someone inside, and the switch happens, it can happen a couple of different ways. The easiest/gentlest way (and least common LOL) is for me to be in the middle of talking to someone for example, and suddenly I'm feeling an absolutely irresistable urge to say something that is NOT what I want to say, and it's an urge that cannot be ignored, and once I give in to it, for a few minutes maybe it'll be me and that urge, then I'm still kinda there, but it's like I'm standing behind myself, I can see what happens but I cannot control my body or my words. Sometimes there's tunnel vision, where all I can see is a small area in front of me, and I can hear the words being spoken like when you make a toy telephone out of tin cans and string.

Then there's the abrupt switch, which sometimes even happens in mid conversation with someone. Or worse still, what I personally call the "cluster switch", where everyone suddenly talks at once. Example...roomie asks..."What do you want for dinner tonight?" Me: "McDonald's-Wendy's-KFC-I'll cook something-Subway". Then I end up just looking at her and saying "Should we take a vote?" When those happen, there aren't any physical feelings really, just frustration that all the words can't come out at once.

The situational switch. I can be mild and calm, and if someone says or does something that I think is unfair to us in some way, suddenly I'm a raving lunatic (and keep in mind, I still absolutely do NOT NOT NOT swear. so this is the only way that my roomie can tell that Celeste has emerged) Most of me will quietly just take any abuse from anyone but Celeste will gleefully tell you to F*** yourself, and exactly where you should do it, and with what. She's ballsy. Makes me jealous. Except that a couple of times she's threatened to or attempted to physically attack someone....VERY uncool. (Though she wants me to add, they had it coming to them)

One thing in common to all the switching is the headache afterward, one that they haven't come up with a cure for yet. Right now my doctor is letting me try Midrin for it, with mixed results so far. Even Vicodin doesn't fix these headaches. They're right on top of the head, right in the middle...and so painful that I can't even describe it.

I think the main difference in my opinion between having DID and 'hearing voices' is that with DID, the voices don't come from outside of my head, they come from my mouth to the outside world. Each of 'me' has her own likes and dislikes, and lots of times they clash. Sometimes, like with Celeste's comment earlier, we hear each other's thoughts inside, or see them in what's called the 'Hall of Records' where we can exchange information (very necessary in order for us to have survived life without being detected for so long, and function in school, etc.).

Anyway, I can't really find words right now to describe more than that.

What it is like to "schiz out"...

Well, it all started with nightmares as my last post reads. But I am really schizzin' out. I hear strange sounds and words that echo in my head...and the voices are trying to convince me that it all has a special meaning. Such as...I was outside smokin' at work and I heard a loud telephone ring...the voices told me that I am going to get some very bad news and that is what the sound meant. The phone kept ringing and I was supposed to (as told to me by my voices) act like I was answering it and then call my family for real. I then became afraid to call them...afraid I would get some kind of bad news that I just can't handle now. So I didn't call anyone that day...family or anyone else.

I have been freaking out before work every morning and dread going to work...this is highly NOT normal. I dread being there and feel full of despair that I have to be there. At some points during work I feel suddenly that for some unknown reason I can't be there any longer...like I must leave right then and there. I am, of course, fighting all these feelings and am staying at work. But it seems like , to me, that i don't get anything done because I am always freakin out. So far, the customers only say something to me to get me to smile...which is very sweet, I love my customers for it. But I also get very upset inside when another customer walks into the store. I mean, I get mad...like...the nerve of this person coming in while I was trying to bag ice,...the nerve that they walk into this store! I hate them! That is what I am screaming inside while I am smiling and saying "Have a great day!" This is what I call schizzin out. I feel like the customers were just coming in to bother or keep me from doing something that I need to get done. Like it is a conspiracy! They are just doing it because they want me to have a bad day.

In truth, that is what the paranoid schizophrenia is causing me to think right now. But I take Geodon and its main effect is to help me to know what is just in my mind and what is really truly happening. So at the same time that I feel all this rage inside of me because of this conspiracy, I also SEE that the customers are there because we need them and they need something from the store...they don't really even know the things that I am trying to get done and they would even try to help me when they could..like lifting a 5 gallon bucket of ice into the Coke fountain. They are just being customers and I can see that but it doesn't stop the feelings of utter rage that I feel. OF COURSE...I DO NOT SHOW ANY OF THESE FEELINGS. I have to hide them and that has me realy stressed out. I really want to scream inside of me to everyone "Please straighten me out and straighten my poor racked mind out." I just want to tell God "PLEASE HELP ME!"

It just feels like I CAN'T keep working like this. But I can't quit work. I have to keep doing it always. I have been working 21 days in a row with only one day off. This is too much. Maybe I can't handle Assistant Manager but I WILL NOT go back to being just a cashier.

Nightmares, loud voices and frustration.

The nightmares began about 6 days ago. I have had a nightmare each night since then. They have all been different. In the day time I have loud voices like they are forcing me to listen to them. Sometimes I can't hear my customers at work because of them. They talk about the things they did to me like before I began medication. Taunting me to react to them. Such as:

"Remember what we did to you back then?"--"You are the opposite of us." " You take the pain of the world."

They tell me I am the Angel and that it won't rain because I am happy. But I am not that happy right now. I am frustrated. I can't sleep with these nightmares every night and the voices are so loud that I can't concentrate on my work. I can't hear my customers. I feel like my brain is just full of stuff all the time that I stay so confused.

I asked my Therapist yesterday to make me an appointment with the nurse. She will listen to what I say and then tell the doctor and then he figures out what to do about it. Like write a new prescription or something. I am kinda surprised that the voices aren't so loud this morning. I can write. I have sat down in front of this computer three times to write all this stuff down and then I couldn't because I get lost with the voices. I gotta go now.

A new voice...

He finishes the songs that I sing in my mind. Where I just think of the songs and sing a part of them..he finishes what I don't finish. He seems to be real nice but a NEW voice bothers me. The science of it means I am under stress and that is where the new voice comes from. Which I was under some stress thinking I had to prove I was worth the new promotion....THAT is part of my paranoid schizophrenia. I was paranoid that I would lose my job if I didn't prove I was worth the position. When in real life I had already proven myself worthy of the new position as Assistant MAnager before I got the job...that is why I did get the promotion. I had already proven myself...so I am a little backwards in my thinking. Alot of paperwork with this job. I mean alot.

Then I got paranoid that my boss was thinking I was stealing from the store...money and merchandise...because we were coming up short. But she had to fire one guy because it was him that was short all the time. I was paranoid for no reason. Just new job stress.

MOre stuff...

I thought I was doing real good through this crisis that I am having with my son. I made it through the actual ordeal without any symptoms except for talking to myself. But today I woke up feeling very paranoid and scared. I am scared for what will happen next time. I am also afraid that my son will try to hurt me. I keep hearing sounds like someoone is in the house and sneaking around. I not only hear the movements ..I feel like someone is there ready to pounce on me. I am afraid of my son today. I keep hearing stories of parents that were killed by their kids. What if Cory gets that way. I don't know if I can handle this today. I took my medication and it should help with the paranoia and the scaredness. It should also help with the sounds I am hearing. I feel like a sitting duck. And now I am drinking a whole bunch of coffee..that'll help!!! Sarcasm, again.

The voices and major moodiness

The voices were yelling at me yesterday...fighting over whether I was paying attention to them or not. They just wouldn't shut up. I tried hard to ignore it but I ended up losing the battle. They were so loud I couldn't ignore them. One of the voices...David...just like my ex boyfriend kept trying to ruin my life and said that he was the one making me miserable. He kept saying "You feel miserable today." ANd trying to hand me his father's heart attack so that his father wouldn't have one. His father is like 85 or something and has had 2 bypasses. David is a very evil minded voice. My heart felt like it was hurting most of the night. The bad part of schizophrenia is that sometimes you actually feel the pain of what the voices say they are doing to you. It keeps me paranoid. Anyway, I spent most of the night hurting in my chest. And today it started out the same way but it has since stopped. I guess I got my medicine in. You would think that since I take three 80 mg pills a day that it would stay in my system good...but that could be my paranoia also.

I wish thay would find me a replacement soon for the store I work in now. So that I could go to the new store. I am going to miss Marty but Shannon seems real cool. I am anxious to start Assistant Managing!! I think I will love it. To finally get somewhere in this company. The anticipation of the new position is probably what is making the voices become a problem again. I wish I could laugh for awhile. I just feel so flat mooded lately (the medication causes this). I don't seem to laugh or have any fun at all....I am not even smiling lately. Nothing seems to interest me except this promotion from work. I wander what to do. Any advice from anybody could help????

Paxil CR 37.5 mg

I took my first of the new increased dosage of Paxil. One pill and I can feel the difference. Some people say that the drug Paxil has to get into your system for about a week before it begins working...but I can tell the difference now. The tears aren't coming to my eyes every few minutes. I guess I will really notice the change in about a week though. My voices haven't told me to "DIE" lately. But I also bet that the Lorecet has something to do with that too. I am feeling a little better...noticeable difference.

I set some goals for me a while back. Goals for my future and for my health. I am pretty close to the denture part of the goals. My teeth are bad. They are broken and full of big cavaties. I have had 3 teeth removed and with have 3 more removed soon. Then there aren't too many left until January when the Dental Insurance kicks in for the denture coverage. Then I will have a set of top side dentures. That is one goal that is being realized slowly but surely. I don't want it all done at once. Another goal was to become an Assistant Manager of one of the convenience stores I under. I am like two weeks away from that goal....Thank God!!! Now I will feel I am actually getting somewhere in this career that has CHOSEN me ...I am finally going to be a little somebody. Then after that...about two years or so...maybe I will be able to manage a store of my own. MAYBE... It might be too much though. After all I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic. Like it is barely a handicap.

I just had to start living with the schiz and not living the schiz! I wish some of those other schizophrenics were able to live like I do. I actually feel as though I am normal with these little problems that occur in my brain. They do occur everyday but it is a lot less than what it was without the medicine. Without the medicine I was getting worse by the day and I was literally psychotic for a long time. Thank God I am non-violent.

I feel like maybe I could handle a manager's position but then there is an amount of stress that goes with the job.

Anyway, I also feel as though I HAVE A LIFE!!! Not like I live in this world where people order each other's sicknesses out of evil-mindedness. Or that some system is contrlling my every move. It even knows what I will have to do at a certain time....or at least I used to think it did. Now I have none of those delusions. None of the big delusions that make me very crazy and tormented!!!

I have alife, a love, and a family that loves me and I love them...everyone of them!!!

My Psychiatrist

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of anidepressant because I was hearing voices telling me to die. I would just be doing something like fixing myself some coffee and the word would form from my lips and then I would hear it..."die" or "choke" or "wreck". I was a little paranoid about it but not too bad.

I was working 50 and 60 hours a week...alot of overtime. I also had been thinking that all I ever do is work and I guess I was making myself depressed. I may have to work tomorrow too. It is supposed to be my day off though.

I am going to be an Assistant Manager for another store (convenience store). And I am thinking that until I learn everything and it becomes easy for me..I will have more symptoms due to stress. But as long as I can concentrate I should be alright.

My birthday is today and I feel somewhat low about my age, 34, but kinda had a good birthday so that makes up for it. 34...34...and fat. 185 lbs. I usually don't eat candy bars much but lately I have taken a liking to "Heath" candy bars...NOT GOOD for weight!!!

I guess I am just not satisfied with myself lately. I can do it...I know I can...I have done it several times but I have also gained the weight back too. I stay busy and I hardly ever get a chance to just sit down. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not satisfied with me and I need to change that. I am not saisfied that I still smoke or what I eat. How much exercise I get. So I need to work on it more....

Oh goody!!!...New symptoms! (sarcasm)

Well, for the last two day I can feel bolts of energy pass through me. It feels like at random...a surge of electricity pass through parts of my body. Like...my chest, one side of my brain, or my arms and stomach. It is scary. I have never felt this symptom before. It was doing it pretty frequently for two days then it went away some timee yesterday. And the voices are pretty regular lately. Sometimes yelling and loud. It was all brought on by the fact that someone came into our house and stole some things valuable to us...someone came into our house...
Now I am so paranoid I lock the doors when we are all home or when I am alone or when no one is home. I am having nightmares about it also. My husband and I are both having nightmares. We each had a nightmare at the same time. They were a little different in likeness but it was about someone being in the house who shouldn't be there...someone trying to hurt us. That is all I wanna say about this right now.

The brain knows when something is wrong!!!

I haven't been having too many problems with the schiz...since my increase in Geodon (which is a very high dosage) I rarely hear anything anymore and life seems very real to me...or maybe it all seems like a dream world because I don't hear many voices anymore...The one voice I do remember hearing was about two days ago and it said "She will have to learn to live without the voices now"... I was walking through the store and fixin' to bag some ice when I really started to realize I hadn't heard any voices in a while. I was thinking how quiet it was and how nice it was to be able to think without voices being snide about whatever I was thinkng about...they weren't telling me I was wrong, they weren't trying to make me sick and I was really thinking to myself without hearing a voice...I couldn't believe how "normal" I felt. Then one voice...there was one voice that said "No! Now she has to learn to live without the voices." It is really wild to hear something like that after all the nonsense I usually hear. But I have heard something like it before...back when I heard all this stuff..in the early days I use to ask the voices what was all the stuff I kept hearing...I would say " what is this shit?"...after hearing all I wanted to hear of it! More than once they have answered "Your brain" and I would think "well that's just freakin' crazy". Never in my life did I ever think that it actually was MY BRAIN!!!...it's freaky if you think about it...my own brain was giving me the true answer...like it already knew along time ago. I get cold chills thinking about it...my mind knew there was something wrong with itself BUT it NEVER said that I was schizophrenic... I wander if it works like a cars "brain" or the computer part of the car... it knows when something is wrong but can't quite tell you WHAT it is. Weird!!!

Had a 'bout with the schiz

Yesterday, I had a bout with the schiz. It lasted most of the day. It made me remember that I hadn't had one since I was on160 mg of Geodon. Now on 240 mg. But I made it through it...I even knew I would. So it wasn't too bad. Just a lot of voices and nonsense. By the time zI got my third dose of Geodon in it cleared up pretty good. The topic was the schizophrenia and my kids. Yes, I was worried about my kids. I even hallucinated that people were talking to me through their brains...mind linking. But I stayed at work and I felt good regardless. All my voices telling me how loud my brain was last night was a good laugh if you think about it...the voices sounded like they were trying to yell over the cooler fans...as if to try and force me to listen to them.

The Goedon seems to be working pretty good at getting rid of most of the symptoms. I have learned what to do to get rid of the panic attacks every morning. I will not take my Paxil until the afternoon. It was causing the panic attacks with the espresso I drink every morning..I guess that sharp waking up and the Paxil CR just don't mix for me. I haven't had another panic attack since I began to take it in the afternoon. I refuse to give up the espresso!!!!

I do realize that I need to see my therapist more. I can't seem to make it to the appointments. I always reschedule. She is good, I think.

Destiny

I feel like I am destined to be schizophrenic or something. Even when I am not in the mood to be a paranoid I get it anyway. A JOKE!!! These last few days have beeen exciting and boring at the same time. I am excited that my son is living with me and that I have custody...but I am scared to death that my daughters who are still in custody will never speak to me again. They are going to be SO hurt. I got a message ( like some schiz's get or think t they get) that I have to just be there for my daughters. It is all I can do. I feel so helpless. And devastated at the same time. When can they come home, Lord? But I am excited to have my son here...a whole lot of deep emotions which I am dealing with. Seem to be doing pretty good on the outside...functioning and all...

I also just had my meds increased which seems to be doing great on the voices and positive symptons but I feel dreary. And I know that means that the increase is not being tolerated well. Or maybe I just need to get used to it first...and then see how I feel. But if I don't start smiling soon..I think I might be fired...(retail). Someone is going to say something.

It hurts inside. I hurt for the girls. It hurts alot! And I feel like I don't even have the time to cry. I am not suicidal but I feel like I can't go on like this. This is a bad time to have to work 6 ten hour days in a row...and next week it is going to be 11 days in arow.

Increased again

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geodon to 3 pills a day. We are hoping it gets rid of the rest of the symptons. Yesterday was the first day I took the increase. It seems to have gotten rid of the sudden sexual "surges" I call them. Nothing is more out of sync that standing at the cash register and suddenly getting a surge of sexual excitement..it was really getting on my nerves. I won't feel the full effects of the increase for a few days. But I can't wait. I hope I am able to think like a "normal". "A normal" is what we call people who don't have any mental illnesses and thinks normally.

I did win one for schizophrenics everywhere though...I won custody of my 17 year old son...well didn't actually win him...he was given back to me by the judge in the case. He said "It was admirable to see the determination and courage I had throughout these years". And something about progress. I was crying too much to remember everything. I believe in this judge but I might have to go against one of his orders...I have to think what is best for my girls. I am still thinking about it.

The "negatives"

I am dealing with alot of the "negative" symptons of schiz. The feelings that are being caused from it. I feel excited, scared, etc. Negative symptons are things like depression, tiredness, being afraid, paranoid, etc. Positve symptons are "talking to myself", hearing things, etc. I do not like the phrase "talking to myself"...it really bothers me. Because to me, I am hearing people talk to me and I am in turn answering or talking to them...talking to the voices...At no time am I talking to myself...it just looks that way. That's like...well see...to other people it would seem as though I am "hearing voices" but they are not "voices" to me. They are people with names and attitudes and they are in my life everyday...I NEVER see them as voices...Oh, I have tried to just tell myself "it is just voices" but I can't. They are real to me...with real problems and real fears. If I start to try to acknowledge them any other way; then I have the thoughts that I am "crazy" to handle with it. I do not think of myself as crazy, insane or psychotic...which is scientifically what I am. If I begin to think of myself as crazy, psychotic, etc.... I feel like everything that I am trying to accomplish is going to be all for nothing because it is only a matter of time before I have to end it and draw my check every month. Which is where I am ultimately going to be someday. Thinking of the scientific terms just make me feel like I am working HARD to get nowhere fast...it would all be for nothing. I am realising how hard I have try to hide everything. Because if my boss saw it ( which he DOES know about the schiz), I mean saw everything, then what would he do? I am getting depressed just thinking about it. I am crazy...but I am making it.

"Psychotic Features" was what they said I had. In psych it means to hear or see things that are not real. Psychotic Features... Damn... What a way to have to live...How in the world could it be so damn hard to get through...This is not something that is going away...EVER. All that time believing it was real...fighting with them...trying everything in the world to get them to go away...and it is not going away. Sometimes, I feel so afraid that I can't talk or think, I just sit there and feel this damn petrifying feeling for no reason. There is not even a thought of why this is happening..the feeling is just there. I get so scared that I can't hear the voices talk to me anymore..like my brain just shuts off. I am consumed with this fear. DAMN!I really feel like it is a matter of time before I am completely off my rocker and not able to work. But right now I work...I hope it ain't all for nothing..I had a whole career planned...........

I am completey scared right now

I am so scared that my soul feels like it is hurting...all the way to my fingertips. You know the feeling like your you know someone is going to break your heart or that you are afraid that they will...so you become so anxious and paranoid about it that you can already feel your heart break. That is what it feels like. Sometimes I get paranoid that I am not breathing right and I have to find someway to get fresh air. People are talking to me again with their brain stems. They brain link and say "Are you Jennifer McDonald?" I even answer them sometimes. But I don't think that I am under any stress. There are some people that call me names like "nigger", "slut" and "bitch". I hear it all the time. I heard my husband say "you look ugly and you are fat". Oh, by the way, I am white. The south...gotta love it. *sarcasm*!! I told my voices that the only time I get these panic attacks are when I am at home...had two at work though, my voices said that something must be wrong at home, then. I can't say what it could be. Sometimes, I think I should really look to see what it is and IF there is anything wrong at home...but then I think I may be asking for more problems...It all really started when Mel got the call that he had cancer. Sometimes, I just don't feel comfortable here since then. I think I am in fear that it will all fall apart. But I will stick with Mel through everything. I love him.

Vacation

I took a part of my vacation from work this week. I got alot done. I am not having too much trouble out of the schiz this week, so far. Mel doesn't have Cancer for now anyway. It'll be three more years before we know again. But it looked good.

I am now going to go to bed and just lay there. Maybe sleep, maybe not. Where ever my vacation takes me is where I am going to go. Just staying at home with know time line on anything. I kinda have a headache but I am sure it is because I was out in the sun and heat most of the day. Feels good to be outdoors. Good night...

Oh, I did watch a movie tonight named "Troy". It was great but afterwards I felt like my brain was "linked" to Brad Pitt..who does show his buttocks in the movie..wheeeeweee!!! That is about the only episode of the schiz that I had...and wouldn't you know it...I had to use the restroom while he linked...gross!!! Mostly, though, when I watch a movie that I relly get into, I always feel like I am getting "brain-links" from the actors in the movie and we discuss the movie. Just another part of the schizophrenia.

I would also like to say that this site has been up for a year now. This month marks a year of my schizophrenic and mental illness blog. I am excited even though no one else has joined...I still believe that it is a good idea. I have two support groups that I go to every now and then. One of them is schizophrenia.com and the other is support4hope.com. The first one is only for schizophrenics but the second one is for ALL mental illnesses. Schizophreia.com is more to let you speak your mind as long as you don't try to get other people to stop taking their medicines. That's a "no-no"! And support4hope.com will not let you discuss suicide or feelings of suicide. Each one has it's purpose for me. But lately, I have been trying to live WITH the paranoid schizophrenia, instead of LIVING it. which means the schizophrenia is not on my mind all the time anymore...or the issues that it causes with me. It is more like living with a disease that is treatable...you live your life AROUND it and with it. You don't make the disease and every part of it the only thing you think about anymore. I will not let it disable me!!! I can't live my life afraid of everything like some people do. Don't get me wrong...other schizophrenics can't help it...but I think my "common sense" is over powering my schizophrenia. Or hell, the medicine just might be working better since the psychiatrist upped my dosage. I reallly have to admit that to myself. But common sense has a lot to do with the schiz not disabling me completely.

Now, since I am on the schiz subject, my mind is now trying to tell me that my voices caused this headache. That they (the voices but to me they are people) are trying to make me sick on my vacation. But I reallly think I was out in the sun too much today. So now, I am going to go lay down....

"Walking Away"

I had another bad bout of the schizophrenia. I cried most of the morning and then half of the afternoon I felt as though if I could just start walking down the street and not say a word to anyone everything would be fine...just disappear. These are dangerous...I would say that these are my "suicidal thoughts". See, let me explain, if a schizophrenic has suicidal thoughts it is supposed to mean that the person should be in the hospital and have their medications readjusted. It is suppose to be the "sign" that the medications aren't right and the person should go straight to the hospital if they are having suicidal thoughts. It means something is really wrong. So what they do is hospitalize you in the psychiatric ward and do a little manipulating with the medications for about 3 days.

The two times when I thought I should be in the hospital for schizophrenia, I wasn't thinking of suicide...ok, a little,....but I KNEW I wouldn't try it. I think that the extent of my "suicidal thoughts" is that I get a real intense feeling that I should just start walking down the road, without a goodbye or explaination and leave it all behind, then things would be so much lighter a load to handle. The intensity of wanting to do this is something pretty powerful. Like yesterday, I could see myself leave the store, (I work) and with every step my cares and my pain and my worries and all the stress began to lift off my shoulders....and I could see myself living alone...it seemed SO much an easier thing to do...could you imagine. I have an intense fear of showering...I feel as though people are watching me and I can't shake it..I could just imagine that I wouldn't feel forced to shower everyday anymore because I wouldn't be working... I would just be walking. No more feeling like someone is going to hurt me because they can see me everytime they want to. I live so scared of the simplest things. The idea just seems like heaven to me.

At the same time, I have this, also intense, feeling that I should be in the hospital that something is definitly wrong with me. I even took an extra dose of Geodon yesterday...didn't do anything. Everything felt so wrong inside yesterday, I knew that that was my sign to go to the hospital...I should have went but dammit I was just out of work two weekends ago for that toothache. It wasn't until last night about the last hour of work that I felt alright again. The next time I should probably go.

Pain

Been to the dentist. Had to have a wisdom tooth cut out of my head. Oh Lord, at the pain. It didn't hurt while he was gauging at it but it sure does hurt now. It is funny how serious pain can put you in a delusion or hallucination or SNAP you out of one very quickly. I was delusional when the tooth was abscessed and throbbing. But now that the tooth has been removed I am in a constant agonizing pain and I am not the least bit delusional, I think, anyway. I am questioning myself right now. Because I am remembring talking to people who AREN'T here again. I think I do this daily...it is like a second nature to me to talk with people I knew a long time ago. Weird, I guess, I have been delusional after all. Oh well...onward. I have pain killers but they are not doing the trick.

Time to go suck on a cigar...I guess anyone can tell I am a little sarcastic tonight. I haven't heard from my Aunt Lisa who just had surgery yesterday and I am frustrated about that and the damn hole in my gum the size of Canada!!!